AIBU to think my husband should help with the housework when I'm on maternity leave?

[Halfdrankbrew]

First time I've ever posted, but I have been a lurker for quite a while.

I'm on maternity leave at the moment and I have a 20 month old and a 2 month old. My husband has recently started a career change, he's out the house mon-fri from 7ish till around 6ish and then usually does a further 2 or 3 hours of work from about 9pm. He does cook maybe 4 nights a week but apart from this he literally does nothing around the house. It takes him about 30min to cook something, he'll cook from scratch so we aren't talking microwave dinners. He plays five a side football on a Friday evening and the past few weeks he's been out on a stag do, night out with his course etc. He does a few hours work sat or Sunday but bar that and the social thing he doesn't do anything else at the weekend, yet he refuses to lift a finger!!! I'm talking taking off his coat, socks, shoes whatever and just leaving it, he'll use a plate, glass etc and just leaves it there waiting for me to clear it up. I literally don't have a minute to myself, sometimes don't even have time to shower!!!! When I've mentioned he isn't helping at all, he'll point out he does the cooking and says "I'm too busy".

Before he started this course he was self employed and only worked 20 hours a week, all antisocial hours though. I was going out to work before 7 and getting in after 7 and coming home cleaning up and spending my entire Saturday cleaning the house, even when heavily pregnant. He'd say he couldn't clean the house as he was looking after our daughter in the day, he'd take her swimming, the park etc, but did ZERO around the house. Before we were married we moved back home with our parent's after uni to save for a house, his mum and dad did everything around the house as well as having a cleaner. He was never expected to do anything (I think his mum had wasted too much time and energy in the past nagging).

Sometimes I think well I'm on maternity leave maybe I should do it all?? If I'm honest though I'm struggling to do everything, I'm breastfeeding on demand, chasing a toddler around then trying to run a house on my own. Surely he should be doing more?? Do people on mat leave still have their partner help with housework etc??

In all fairness lots of mums who have ebf young babies don't get anytime to themselves. You can't just go out and leave the baby for a couple of hours in case he needs feeding.

True but 15 mins in two months to herself!? At 2 months a baby is pretty mobile. The OP could be meeting friends for lunch and going over to theirs with the baby without feeling guilty about the housework because DH does nothing. At the weekend she should be able to expect time to herself between feeds even if it's just to read a book. Her DH should be doing things with the toddler it's his son/daughter too!

OP have you thought about asking your parents to look after your toddler for an afternoon once a week or something? That way you can have a bit of time for yourself (if the baby sleeps that is)

I BF my LO when I did my 6 months Mat leave, I cleaned and my DH cooked, took the bins out, and then anything else I asked him to do... he didn’t actively do anything as he didn’t think it needed doing ...
When he got home from work I think I threw him our LO so I could clean (my relaxing time) oh I do love a good clean 😂

He has done 3 month maternity and now realises how hard it was and it’s the opposite now , I come in from work and play with LO while he does everything round the house.

Doing shared maternity was a life saver for us, he understood actually how hard it was, and I do think it should be compulsory for men to do at least a month ☺️

Yes, I agree fruit, I was thinking by time to herself you meant without the baby. I go to see family and friends but always have baby and often toddler with me so i don't consider that time to myself. It depends what op means by time to herself I suppose.

Does he think he’s married to a housekeeper? Tell him to do the dishwasher/hoovering/tidying! Don’t ask!
I honestly despair of some men, they seem to be in a world of their own or completely thick

With 2 under 2, no you should not be doing it all and indeed with a breastfed baby and little time since you gave birth, you are likely to still be under substantial physical strain yourself.

Firstly, you are not being at all unreasonable in expecting him to take his turn in running your shared household. I've no respect for anyone who does not do their share if domestics.

In terms if laundry - we have a laundry basket in the bathroom. The rule is simple - If you want it washed put it in the basket - even my 3 yr old get this! You are is partner not his skivvy stop picking up after him.

If he expects to eat in the evening he should contribute to preparing food and clearing away as a partner. Again you are not a kitchen maid.

In terms of what you do during the day, the kids are clearly first priority. Jeep ng them clean, fed, entertained, medical appts attended etc and all that that encompasses. Ideally you would get jobs like putting the washer on, booking an online grocery shop etc done because it makes life easier. Clearly you will get more done some days than others. Whatever isnt done is a shared responsibility along with sorting the kids later on. Your partner / kids father has to respect this.

In terms of time out, as others have said you need equal time out, whether this us going out or taking a book into the bath. (you also need equal time for basic hygiene routines - I assume he doesn't go to work/go out of an evening without a shower etc!)

Stop trying to kill yourself - he is not thanking you for it. The more you do the more he expects!

If he expects to eat in the evening he should contribute to preparing food and clearing away as a partner

He does the cooking!

It's a tricky one you know because you are both obviously working hard. I know from experience the 'who works the hardest' arguments just lead to resentment.
If I were you I would be expecting to do the bulk of the housework if I'm honest - especially considering he cooks tea half the time. Having said that he should be clearing up after himself, putting his own coat & shoes away. Taking a plate to the kitchen is basic manners. You're not his mother/cleaner. While the children are young I think you should accept that the house is never going to be as tidy as you would like it to be.

I did almost all of the house work on mat leave, because I had one easy baby and I could. But I tell you this, in 20 years of marriage I could count on the fingers of one hands the amount of times I've picked DH's dirty socks off the floor.

That's not housework, that's having a little bit of respect for yourself and the adult who shares your space. Basic fucking manners. I'm actually raging at this.

Hanging your coat, sticking your washing in the basket, clearing your dishes when you've finished - this isn't housework, these are life skills. Even if he was working 12 hours a day and you were a lady of leisure, this is the bare minimum. Leaving this sort of stuff for someone else to clear up is horribly disrespectful.

Before we were married we moved back home with our parent's after uni to save for a house, his mum and dad did everything around the house as well as having a cleaner. He was never expected to do anything.

You knew what he was like, yet you married him and have had two children with him, did you honestly expect him to change?

Show him both of these...

mustbethistalltoride.com/2016/01/14/she-divorced-me-because-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink/