AIBU to think I'm not the one in the wrong (row over DC)

[stronglizzie]

AIBU to feel I'm not in the wrong.DP& I together as family 7 years. My DS 11 & her adopted DD 15 (adopted 8mon before we got together) so a tough family dynamic. I find her DD very difficult so don't have a really warm relationship there however DP finds her DD & my DS very challenging. I am pretty strict but tend to ignore rather than cause unnecessary confrontation. She won't let anything go & DC get barked at morning, noon & night. They can't say they're sick or tired or hungry. It's boot camp in the extreme & they don't get an inch to breathe before they're being shouted at for something or nothing. DP is critical of them every waking hour (some of DS habits 11yr boy are gross) but zero tolerance & screaming doesn't help. DP tries to catch them out & if they try to reply truthfully they get roared at for giving cheek/answering back. When I try to stick up for them, or don't join in her rant I then bear the brunt of it for undermining her, not respecting her etc. AIBU to think the kids need a bit more tolerance?

And you are with her because?

I would not allow anybody to treat my child like that, you need to stick up for him and tell her to either stop or bugger off!

Why are you subjecting your child to this?

You are not being unreasonable, but I think you know that. There does not seem to be much joy in your home. Why do you live in this miserable place?

I agree, why are you with this person? Are you planning your exit? If not why not, for the sake of your child?

Agree with the above though I'm assuming her DD will remain with her and continue to get this if you split. It sounds like deal breaker time though. Does she just browbeat you too if you stick up for the kids? What happens if you step in and tell her she's wrong and to stop shouting?

Is she mentally ok? I was awful when I got pnd the first time round. I simply didn't cope. Felt horrificly out of control so tried to control everything else.

I don't think anyone would be like this on purpose.

Yabu for not getting your kids out of this mess

It's somewhat irrelevant if she is mentally ok or not if the DC is being affected. No matter what bad things people do, there's always someone willing to explain it away due to some sort of MH issue. It's not always the case by any means.

How can you let someone treat children like that?

You need to be the adult here, and protect the children from her. And protect yourself. This does not sound like a viable relationship.

So your happy for your child to be verbally abused her on a daily basis?

You need to stand up for your child here and leave her. I don't know what the solution is with her dd- she adopted her at age 7? The situation sounds awful for both of them but at least you can get your child out of it.

You know that YANBU, it sounds like an awful home life for you & the DC, they must be completely miserable.

I would be getting my ducks in a row and putting plans in place to get myself and my DS out of such a toxic situation, no way would I allow my DS to be treated like that, EVER.

Good luck with whatever you choose to do

Can I just point out that, awful as this sounds, parenting a child with a traumatic background can be very hard on the parent- they can suffer secondary trauma. Good parenting for a child with a traumatic background looks very different from parenting a typical child.

I'm not excusing her- but the combination of managing her own stress and her DD's stress plus the very different parenting style needed would explain her struggling. She needs support and training, though given the age of her DD it's perhaps a bit late.

You have been there almost from the beginning, but still feel the DD's not yours?

Your dp adopted a 9 year old and then moved in you and your 4 year old son 8 months later?
Christ almighty.