I'm adopted.
So I first met my bio dad in the early 2000s. He was quite needy. Things were always on his terms. I spent a year saying how high if he asked me to jump. I know he was jealous of my dad. He and his wife were very nice to me but they are very outgoing and I'm quite an introvert.
An example is practically forcing me to dress up as Sexy Santa and accompanying them to the pub on Christmas Eve (I did), they love a bit of fancy dress, a few drinks and fun. They are nice people, I'm nerdy and bookish, definitely not a Sexy Santa karaoke type of person.
He really wanted to be part of my family, but he never introduced me to any of his. Said it was best kept quiet.
One night he called me and asked me to drive 50 miles at 6pm on a Friday night (across London) after work to meet him and his wife for dinner. I explained that I had plans that night and could do Saturday or Sunday instead. He basically hung up in a huff. No more contact, I honestly thought he was being unreasonable and found it too much hard work.
Then in 2005 when the London bombings went off he called my mobile and said 'Just checking you are not dead' and then hung up - I tried to initiate conversation but he just hung up immediately. I heard no more until I married a few years later. He was apparently deeply upset that he wasn't invited to my wedding and got his wife to ring me to tell me so. I did promise to call back but we were moving house and numbers got lost and afterwards tbh I thought why do you want an invite when we've not spoken in years and it was my dads day. Not yours! Possibly my bad there, I could have got a message out but I was pregnant with a honeymoon baby. My husband said 'it's because he knows the grandchildren are coming'. My husband dislikes him and doesn't want me to have contact but wouldn't stop me or make it an issue. He's very diplomatic.
I reached out to my half sister by message about 4 years ago, but she didn't respond in two weeks so I guessed that was it and removed her from my FB. Actually I came off FB totally for ages and only now have a tiny friend group on there.
Three weeks ago I thought we're all much older so I'll try again. I messaged his wife. I got a passive aggressive message back saying that I send them mixed signals and that they can only be in contact if it's permanent. Accusing me of withdrawing contact. We live 400 miles apart (just so it's not a drip feed).
Should I just run for the hills? I wanted contact but I don't need a second family (something I've always made very clear). I just thought if they were passing by (they have family nearby who they visit) they may like to pop in for a cuppa and meet the children. A friendship not a family. I can't see this working, I think they want more than I can offer.
I need to drop this like a hot brick and run don't I? Or AIBU?
Apologise for the essay, I'd have posted on Adoption but think this is a better place to get a general consensus.