AIBU to not want to send my son to preschool on my day off?

[FarmersDaughter84]

Ok so I work three days a week and my 3yo son goes to day nursery for 2 days and to my mum for 1 day. Ever since he started nursery at 9 months, he’s never been very good at saying goodbye to me and it usually ends with him in tears, desperate for me not to go. Heartbreaking stuff. I’ve had meetings with the nursery who have been excellent. They have looked closely to see if they could pinpoint a particular reason for him being so upset at drop-off but he’s generally happy at nursery so we have concluded that it’s due to separation anxiety.
Moving forward, in September next year my son will start school. Sadly for him, our local school isn’t in the same village as the nursery so he will be the only child from nursery to go there. To that end, the nursery has suggested that I enroll my son into our local preschool (in addition to his two days at nursery) so that he makes a friend before starting school. Whilst I accept that it would be a good idea, I have the following reservations:

1. He would have to go to preschool on one of my days off as it isn’t an option for him to go on a ‘work day’ as the day is school hours only.
2. The preschool won’t take children for less than one full day or two mornings.
3. He’s been so upset when I take him to nursery, I worry that adding yet another setting into the mix will unsettle him further.
4. He’s a summer born child so will only just have turned four when he starts school. I already have a year less time at home with him than someone with an autumn born child.

I’m worried that either way, I’ll feel like a bad parent; I’ll feel awful taking him to preschool whilst I’m at home for the day and he needn’t be there, but if I don’t take him and he finds it hard to make friends/settle at primary school, I’ll also feel bad. Please help!

Keep him at home! You only have another year together. All my dcs have started school not knowing others in their class and it has mattered not one jot.

Defer him for another year if he's summer born.

My ds started school not knowing anyone and he was fine. Never had to go through separation anxiety with him though and if you feel he will struggle to settle in school then I would enrol him in the preschool.

I’d say keep him at home. I agree with your point that adding another setting into the mix could make things worse.

I think the 'pre school ' rules - that mean 3 year olds have to be there every day for school hours - are basically bullshit. My 3 year old has been offered 30 hours at our local pre school and what puts me off is exactly as you describe - she is so little! why should she be sent off every day - when school is so restrictive and starts so young already.

I think we have so many things wrong in this country and one of them is just making the system so rigid for children from such a young age.

I do not believe for a minute that the best situation for a 3 year old is sending them off every day and not letting them have days with their mum!

I wouldn't worry about him not knowing anybody at school, they make friends very quickly.
A single day at a different nursery will unsettle him more, I wouldn't bother in this case.

In my situation (same childcare arrangement as you) I've started sending DD for one extra morning a week. She did cry a lot at drop off, but this extra morning seems to have helped with that. Also gives me 3 hours to do the boring house stuff so we can do fun stuff in the afternoon.

Could he start after the Easter holidays in April next year just for one term or even half a term so he gets used to that setting but it doesn’t cut into your time with him so much? By then he may separate more easily too. If not then I’d say don’t do and enjoy the time with him. By the time he starts school he may no longer have problems separating and making friends at that age when they start school isn’t a problem

Have your days with him, you won't get them back and he will make friends at school, children are very adjustable and also once they get to school they are that little bit older and start making more proper friendships. A lot of preschool is playing alongside each other.

What Elisheva said. Cherish your time off with him you won't get it back.

He'll make friends. Just stick with what you've got already and let school happen when it happens.

My ds started nursery at 12 months, 3 days a week. We had two years worth of tears and clinginess at drop off although he was happy throughout the day.
He has recently moved to the school preschool and despite a few days of tears while to start, he has settled better than ever before and goes in happily everyday. I think it helps that he is there full time (30 hours)

In your position I'd keep him at home and just start him at school next year. Kids make friends quickly and I think they settle better if they are consistently there, different places on different days are more confusing for him.

He's 4, he will make friends easily at school, keep him at home and enjoy him while you can

I kept my son to 3 days rather than school nursery and he is now in year 1 and doing fine.
There was school meet ups arranged through local Facebook sites and we went to a few so he knew a few children in his class and settled quickly.
I will be doing the same with his brother because I work part time to spend time with my babies- enough time is spent on school soon enough!

Wow! So pleased I decided to post on here (for the first time). This is something that has been niggling away for ages and I haven’t been able to make a decision. From reading your responses, I now feel reassured that keeping him at home is the right thing to do (which was always my gut instinct). Thank you so much!
Feeling liberated

farmers just shows that our gut instinct as mums is really quite a powerful thing to go by.

Enjoy your time with him.

It seems mad to add another setting so he will be in four different settings every week! (With you, with your mum, at nursery, at preschool). For a child who is already struggling, this feels unnecessary and hard on him.

I don't really understand the logic either. Send him to preschool where he will know no one, so as to avoid having him go to school next year where he knows no one? How is that any better? If anything, the preschool arrangement seems worse than starting school without friends. For one thing, he'd be younger when starting preschool, so perhaps less robust and adaptable and ready to make friends than he will be the following year. For another thing, he'd only be at preschool one day a week, which may not be enough for him to make friends.

Pre school is a ridiculous concept. He is only young. Enjoy your time with him as next September will come soon enough.

Would your mum be able to take him and pick him up on the day she has him?
If they are insisting he is at preschool at least 2 mornings, would your mum be happy to do mornings and after school on a second day as well, if he did say 9.00 until 3.00, and take him out of nursery on that day?
Just trying to come up with options for you.

I'm glad you've decided to keep him home. He'll get far more from being with you than in another setting. He'll be almost a year older by the time he has to go to school, they change so much in that time. He'll soon make friends at school 😊

D270r0
That’s a good suggestion and one I have looked into. My mum could drop my son at preschool on her day but I also have a 1yo daughter who she also looks after. My parents live on a farm and my son LOVES going there on a Monday and I think he’d be absolutely gutted if my mum dropped him off at nursery and took my daughter with her to the farm. I feel like I’m making up excuses now...

DS started school in sept aged 4yrs (nearly 5) and he didnt know anyone in his class. 95% of the class went to the same pre-school but he settled in quickly and I dont think it has/will hold him back from making friends.

I didnt send him to pre-school for similar. Here it was 5 mornings a week so I would have had to take him 2 mornings when I wasnt working. Plus on the 3 days I was, he would have to be picked up and taken to the childcare place, so I thought it would make him dislike going to the childcare place as he would see his pre-school classmates going home!

But in different situation or a different child I might have sent him.

*dropped him at preschool (not nursery)