To feel cross with MIL

[Thistledew]

Actually, I'm fairly sure that IABU, but need to process my crossness.

I will start by saying that my MIL is completely lovely, I get on very well with her and she has a lovely bond with 14 month old DS.

The story is that she is a very experienced, but now retired, health visitor. She said that based on some photos of DS that she thought he had a slight squint. Neither DH or I could see it, but we were prepared to defer to her professional experience, as was my own HV and GP. So DS had a referral to the eye unit at the hospital today, which resulted in me having to hold my precious baby as he cried whilst he had stingy eye drops placed in his eyes and frightening lights shone in them. And then had to put up with blurred vision for hours afterwards.

He doesn't have a squint. I knew that.

I just feel cross at her that he has had to go through all that for nothing. I'm sure she was acting out of concern for him but it was only through scrutinising him and his photos in detail to look for the slightest thing amiss. If she hadn't been looking for a problem it is not something that would have been considered by anyone else.

Please tell me that IABU and to get over it!

I think you're just cross with yourself for going along with it and agreeing to the tests.

It's hard, but if you genuinely believed he had nothing wrong then you shouldn't have/wouldn't have sent him for tests. If you weren't genuinely sure he was ok then it was right to get him checked.

Both my dc had to have the tests as their df has a squint. They had the test at 2 regardless of showing any signs. I am so glad they did as ds1 was diagnosed with very poor eyesight (showed no signs as he knew no different) but d's 2 has perfectly healthy eyes. I'm not cross ds2 had to have the drops and tests just to be on the safe side.

Stingy eye drops and blurred vision? I've never had blurred vision despite many eye drops.

To be fair, the ones they give to babies do sting and cause blurred vision, you have to pin your child down and it’s not very pleasant.

I do think yabu but I understand why you’re unreasonably upset today.

Not many health care profs. will refuse to refer if another health care worker has raised a concern surely. Can you imagine the hoo har if they had refused to refer OPs DS and later there was found to be something wrong which would have benefited from earlier treatment? No one wants to risk being THAT hcp.

I’m bemused at your being cross at her. If she’s been correct you would have been thankful that she’d suggested it.

Honestly it’s not worth getting upset about.

She’d

It was eye drops, not crack cocaine. Get over it.

I'd be questioning my GP and HV if they made a referral based on what a retired HV had said about some photos.

Why didn't the HCP who actually saw your DS make the referral (or not) based on their own examinations?

And why did you go along with it OP?

Most odd.

“And why did you go along with it OP?

Most odd”

If it was the OP’s Mum, her close friend etc she’d have gone willingly and thanked them.

But it was that nasty overbearing Mil.

I think it's a hard to diagnose condition, so the other health professionals referred it upwards, as your MIL might have been right.

Maybe focus on the relief that it was nothing, and bear in mind that the combination of wanting only the best for a precious GC, and your MIL having seen too many DC with health issues (thus making her more cautious) is just one of those things.

In the future, take her advice but do not defer your instincts completely. If you hadn't seemed to want the referral, the GP presumably would have reassured you and sent you home. So you must have seemed like you wanted the referral in some way.

Anyway - be glad! No squint. The dilating eye drops are much much harder to administer to a squirmy pre-schooler or school age DC, let me tell you!

The reason they give the eyedrops is so they can examine the structure and content of the eyeball and it is necessary if they can't read letters or talk about pictures on the wall. At this age though I am not sure that picking up a squint has any advantage over being older and picking it up unless it is severe (and then its bloody obvious) I have similar drops for diabetic retinopathy exam and its not that bad, and the blurryness and light supersensitivity do drop off fairly quickly and it is soon forgotten.

At 3 I thought my DD had a squint - well I knew she did, I did they are hereditary sometimes. I took her to opticians (supposedly specialist in kids etc) - proper one - and they didn't spot it even with me saying "There is one I know". At 4 she was referred from school and 14% turn identified and patching etc followed but today to me still obvious but much better and fully corrected with glasses (now 12).

It doesn't hurt if not diagnosed till a wee bit later, keep it on the radar, they are tricky to spot in young children and photos are often a giveaway if one eye is astray or when they are v tired

Very unfair to be annoyed at MIL. She suspected an issue and brought it to your attention as she should if she thinks there’s something to be concerned about. Imagine if she’d said nothing and it turned out down the line that there was a problem?

You and DH decided to defer to her professional experience as you put it but do you really think your own HV and your GP we’re just bowing down to her greater knowledge? Of course they weren’t, that doesn’t make any sense. She’s a retired HV not a world renowned specialist!

I get that you didn’t like seeing your child upset and that’s understandable. Really though it was a pretty minor test and not that big a deal, it’s over now and he’s fine. I wonder if maybe your annoyance with MIL is more about your own confidence as a parent in the sense that you didn’t feel able to trust your own instincts?

Thanks all. I do feel reassured that I did the right thing in getting him checked out. I was just transferring the crossness I felt at myself in putting him through an unpleasant procedure for what was ultimately no purpose. And also that I had opted to take him on the child seat on the back of my bike (which he loves) but if I had properly appreciated that he would be in discomfort I would have taken him in his buggy. He seemed perfectly happy but it just compounded my feelings of guilt!

Still, blurry eyes or not he did seem to have bounced back by late afternoon as he walked unaided across the living room for the first time!

Wow first steps! In a couple of years that will be the bit you remember :)

Also, no squint! Hurrah! You wouldn't feel better if your mil had been right, you would have felt worse because, well you'd have a squint to deal with.

YABU - if he had a squint it is better it's spotted early. DD2 had one that i noticed aged 4 - DH couldn't see it

To anyone taking their child for a similar examination - yes, the blurry vision is a bit of a nuisance, but please do take sunglasses for your child. Dilated pupils let in a lot more light and this can be uncomfortable.

But it did serve a purpose.

In the short term it ruled out a squint.
In the long term it may help you stand by your own convictions in the future.

'I'm sure she was acting out of concern for him'
In that case let it go and don't be cross! It can be really annoying when family give advice we don't think we need but you said yourself your MIL has years of experience, so it was worth listening to here even if doesn't always get it 100% right.

One of mine has a squint. It is so important to catch early so you can start treatment- they become much more difficult to resolve once the child is 7. So good that you’ve got the all clear for now. But yes, the drops do knock them out. DC always has a snooze after having the drops.

Sorry but your post has made me feel like an awful Mum for making my DD have stingy drops in her eyes because she has a squint.

I never thought for a moment that it wasn’t worth having it done because she wouldn’t be looking as straight as she is now if she hadn’t had it done.

Do me a favour and consider those who have been diagnosed with a squint and have to have those “stingy eye drops” put in very regular.

CupOfTea, don't feel bad. You're doing the best for your child to ensure their vision is the best it can be.

That’s what I thought I was doing mineofuselsssinformation but threads like this make me question it.

I don’t like seeing her in pain and she really hates having it done it breaks my heart, if I could take her squint away and have it myself I’d do it in a heartbeat.

CupOfTea, as the mum of a child with a severe visual impairment, I know how it must break your heart when your DC cries and struggles.. It gets better when they are less resistant, and more able to respond to the tests (has your DC got to the picture tests yet?)
It's such a long road, and one that is very tough as a mother as you wish your child didn't have to go through it.