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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I'm a grown adult. I'm pissed off. Probably being childish but I'm hurt

25 replies

abjectchocoholic · 10/10/2017 15:56

Sick and tired of being bottom of the pile. You know the realisation when all you are to someone is just for when they need you but when you need them they are busy/Ill/tired or they help but cancel it out by being so bloody horrible and moaning all the time that it wasn't worth asking them to start with.
A total one way relationship and it hurts,
Shouldn't bother me I'm an adult but I feel like a hurt kid

OP posts:

JeReviens · 10/10/2017 16:12

It's never a nice realisation OP. Is it a friend?

Shhhsleeping · 10/10/2017 16:14

I felt the same just recently. You offer so much of yourself and get very little or nothing in return. I have dropped the friendships now and feel like a weight has been lifted. I feel so much better knowing that I'm not being taken advantage of. It's harsh but it was definately the right decision for me. It hurts but a month or two you'll feel better about it in the end.

DJBaggySmalls · 10/10/2017 16:16

I dont think you're being childish.

KarriPotter · 10/10/2017 16:23

I’ve had this, I put myself between my friend and her abusive DH once. Then find out that she stabbed me in the back a few months later. That hurt so bad.

Subtlecheese · 10/10/2017 16:24

It does hurt.

KarriPotter · 10/10/2017 16:27

Big hugs OP

Original poster

abjectchocoholic · 10/10/2017 16:28

No, not a friend. My mother 😔
Hurts like hell

OP posts:

NoMoreRoomOnTheBroom · 10/10/2017 16:32

You're not being childish at all OP. Unfortunately, You'll probably find a majority of people go through this. It's shit, isn't it? It hurts even more when you do finally realise.

Sorry OP. Big hugs.

BlueSapp · 10/10/2017 16:36

We have this with my DH family too, never invited places or to events but if they need something Hes expected to just jump do it and not complain. It’s horrible and gets him down so much never feeling like he’s good enough for them.

Jux · 10/10/2017 16:42

Not childish. It's a horrible thing.

Zubrowka · 10/10/2017 16:43

It hurts a lot! I tried very hard to be good friend to the woman I thought was my best friend when she was having issues with her husband...turns out she was waiting to get her claws into MY husband. Ouchy!

Course it hurts. It feels humiliating but it honestly doesn't reflect on you. Look after yourself

BewareOfDragons · 10/10/2017 16:53

Of course it hurts. It's a horrible thing to be on the receiving end of this. People who only take, take, take but are no where to be seen when one of the givers needs a little something back. It's even worse when it's supposed to be someone who loves you.

I'm so sorry.

TheFirstMrsDV · 10/10/2017 17:00

Not childish and even worse when its your own mother. I know how that feels.
I am used to that sort of treatment from my family.
I have a friend. I like them but I began to feel like I was forcing this person to interact with me.
So I haven't contacted them to ask them to do nice things with me for while. I haven't heard a single thing from them for 3 weeks even though we used to meet up weekly.
Its hurtful but I have to conclude they are just not that in to me and leave it at that.

You can't do that with your mum though can you?

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 10/10/2017 17:02

You are not being childish.

As for Sick and tired of being bottom of the pile well there are two ways to deal with that (1) push yourself higher up the pile (2) move to a different pile, this one's not good for you.

Sadly a DM who is selfish and emotionally absent usually means (1) is not an option so you are stuck with (2).

TheDevilMadeMeDoIt · 10/10/2017 17:15

You can't do that with your mum though can you?

You can, and sometimes you have to.

There's a social myth that all mothers are kind, loving, caring and always there for their children. That's why it hurts so much more when your mother isn't like that. We know that friends can blow in the wind, use us, stab us in the back - but we know that ultimately we can walk away. And sometimes you have to adopt that mindset with family too.

speakout · 10/10/2017 17:15

Try to rise above it OP.

My mother is totally unsupportive of me.

Thinks mainly of herself.

I'm over it. It's her loss.

bimbobaggins · 10/10/2017 17:22

It is very hurtful when you feel like this, especially from your own mother. Don't expect anything from anyone and you'll never be disappointed. I know that's a harsh saying but I learned it the hard way.

Comps83 · 10/10/2017 17:26

I only ever hear from my mother when she's drunk . Usually it's some self obsessed attention seeking guilt trip.

ScipioAfricanus · 10/10/2017 17:26

My mum's like this. I'm absolutely at the bottom of her priorities, under all her other activities. It's rubbish. I too feel irritated that it still annoys me as an adult when I'm used to it but it's natural to want them to be better.

notWORKzilla · 10/10/2017 17:30

You poor thing. It’s so hurtful.
If you don’t want to broach it with her, or make a stand, you could distance yourself mentally.
I have people like that in my life and to protect myself mentally from them, I treat them like I would a person in the street or friend of a friend.
Be perfectly polite but not emotionally involved. Nod, smile and turn your mind off from them when they’re not around.
I’m sorry she has upset you. It’s an awful feeling.

Original poster

abjectchocoholic · 10/10/2017 17:30

I can't waste energy fighting to be top of the pile. In a way I think she thrives on that somehow.
Just hurts that when I needed something she makes it clear she won't. Makes me feel like shit basically
It really hurt to suddenly see that's how it's always been

OP posts:

snowballkitty · 10/10/2017 17:34

My entire family are like this. I do favours, run errands, lend money ALL the time, yet whenever I ask for a favour it's always too much trouble. Most recently my brother told me he didn't trust me to give him a small loan for a week back as I'd list my purse and cancelled my cards but needed to pay a bill before they arrived. I've lent him over £5k and hes always late with the repayments. My sister threw a massive tantrum when I refused a favour after getting fed up of it being one way all the time and has been NC with me for over a year (her choice).

Some people are just users OP. Stop doing things for her and she'll realise just how much she was using you. People like this take take take and then conveniently 'forget' or try and make you feel guilty for daring to ask for anything.

rant over. Sorry for hijacking the thread

MsHarry · 10/10/2017 17:51

I have a sister like this. I become exhausted listening to her woes. I have gone to great lengths to help her but she goes bag to her horrid partner time and time again. I can't do it anymore. never asks me how I am .some people are givers and some are takers.

TheFirstMrsDV · 10/10/2017 18:17

You can, and sometimes you have to
Hardly the same is it?
If it was as easy as walking away from a friend there wouldn't be so many distressed daughters in the world.
I am 50. I have been living this shit for 5 decades.

Glumglowworm · 10/10/2017 18:32

Yanbu

It's hard enough when it's a friend treating you like that, but horrendous for it to be your mum.

Can you focus on the people who do prioritise you? DP, your children, siblings, your friends? And emotionally detatch from your mum as much as possible? Acknowledge that she does that and that's fucking shit, accept that you can't rely on her but you have other people you can rely on, and don't prioritise her above your own needs or the people who do put you first.

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