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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask you if you let you DC have sleepovers

45 replies

OracleofDelphi · 10/10/2017 13:45

I had them as a child, DH didnt. I enjoyed a lot of them but had a few experiences which I was out of my depth / missed my mum etc. DH had a very difficult childhood and doesnt want our DC (8 &9) to have sleepovers until they are older.

At the moment DS doesnt want them, but DDs friends are all starting to have them and whilst she accepts it, I think she might start to feel left out. All our friends with children and people I know socially from school, have them so feel a bit like we are the odd ones out.

I do have lots of play dates, kids parties for birthdays, halloween parties, kids invite friends on days out over holidays etc. Both children attend clubs and so do do a lot of social activities with other kids, but AIBU to just not want them sleeping in peoples houses who I dont know that well?

OP posts:

Original poster

OracleofDelphi · 10/10/2017 15:20

Really ? it will have an effect? Even though they do parties, and play dates and trips to the park etc.....

DunkMeInTomatoSoup - I didnt mention abuse at all, although yes of course there is a very tiny chance it could happen. There are 101 other things that could happen, which arent outside the realms of possibility before we get to that. For example DD or DS missing me and feeling like they cant say they want to go home, other children being mean, parents of host child letting them watch scary films (I am fairly chilled myself about this but I remember watching horrific films at sleepovers). Parents having a row (I vividly remember my best friends dad beating her mother and I woke up on a sleepover - my parents had no idea there was DV). A fire, without smoke alarms working, older siblings who have friends over etc etc etc....

Im not trying to find an excuse not to, just wanted to see what others think and based on the opinions above there are others who arent as ready to do it as my immediate circle.

Bornfreebutinbiscuits - Im sorry you think its a shame, but I guess it depends on how bad your own childhood was. If you didnt have issues of neglect or physical abuse, you might be more relaxed about "safe" your children are...

OP posts:

KarateKitten · 10/10/2017 15:23

My 4 yr old had a fab sleep over at his friends (non family) recently. Came back on a total high. And he and my 2 yr old loved doing a sleep over with their 4 yr old cousins. We'd invited our non relative 7 yr old DH godson over many times and I was always a bit confused that his parents dodged it but he finally came a few weeks ago, had a great time and that led to my son going to his house then (they're great friends despite the age gap). I lived in the countryside quite far from my friends so did sleep overs ALL the time but I realise now that's not the norm. From my experience though my very small kids have really enjoyed doing it. I wouldn't send the 2-3yr old on her own to a friends though unless it was an emergency and the 4 yr old gets to decide if he wants to or not. But no problems so far!

phoenix1973 · 10/10/2017 15:26

Crikey No.
3 hours is enough time for them to be in the house. Overnight😦😳😳😳

Original poster

OracleofDelphi · 10/10/2017 15:28

phoenix1973 yes there is that too!

OP posts:

BarbarianMum · 10/10/2017 15:47

I think a total ban on sleepovers would have a negative effect on friendships as children get older and would be social death in the teen years. Not so much at age 8 or 9 though.

kittensinmydinner1 · 11/10/2017 11:40

The most important thing you need to know before letting child go on sleepover is that they are confident enough to say 'I want to go home' (the irony being that by the time they are this confident they won't want to !)

Seeline · 11/10/2017 11:46

DD had her first one at 12. DS (16) has neverhad one - just not interested. But they have both had nights away with grannies, cubs, brownies, guides and scouts (and school trips) since they were about 4 and are love going away.

Be led by your child, but don't worry if they don't seem interested.

WhooooAmI24601 · 11/10/2017 11:53

Yes, we do have sleepovers, but with certain limits. Never on school nights for any reason. Never when we've relatives staying (which happens a good few times every year as my brother and his family are all in mainland Europe) and never when we've got anything to do the following day as DS1 doesn't cope well with over tiredness.

DS1 is 12 this week and having a sleepover on his birthday. They'll fanny about on the xbox for a few hours, have some snacks and be asleep by midnight. They're all great kids who don't give us any bother. DS2 is 6 so hasn't had so many but his best friend lives next door so they often take turns to sleep over. I'm quite laid back about it because it's only ever children and parents we know well.

Both DCs stay away with Scouts and Beavers at times, as well as with Grandparents. We generally just follow their lead. DH never had sleepovers as a child because he hated being way from home. I was the opposite and loved being away with friends. I think the DC probably take after me rather than DH.

DubiousCredentials · 11/10/2017 11:56

Ds 10 doesn’t want to yet. And to be honest they’re not really much of a thing in friendship group at all. Only one that I know of has taken place.

Dd 9 has been to one but I had to collect her at 9pm so she’s been put off for now.

Neither of them have suffered socially as a result

Our house is too small to consider hosting really. Both dc bedrooms aren’t big enough for someone else to sleep on the floor and there’s no way the rest of us are hiding upstairs so they can use the living room. I’m sure they’ll survive.

MuseumOfCurry · 11/10/2017 11:56

My 11-year old is gaga for sleepovers. Always at our house, he says he's a homebody and doesn't like to go elsewhere for them.

It does get a bit awkward as you say, because it could easily be interpreted as a rejection or lack of trust. Fortunately, my son's best friend's parents know that my son is just a homebody and they don't take it personally.

gamerwidow · 11/10/2017 12:18

My DD is 7 and has started having sleepovers with school friends. I don’t know these people well but I have been to their houses before for play dates.
I have also hosted a sleepover at my house. DD is an only so I think it’s important for her to be able to see her friends outside of school.

FrenchJunebug · 11/10/2017 12:50

my son has been on sleepover since he was 4 and love them. I do know that not all children are like this. It's up to you as you know your child. Worries about safety has never come into my mind.

ThoseCowsAreFarAway · 11/10/2017 13:03

I have three kids (oldest is 6) and I hate the idea of a sleepover. Maybe when they're teenagers and more able to deal with anything that might come up.

Think most kids just love their own bed. They have plenty of opportunities to see their friends in waking hours.

And you may know the Mum well. But what about the Dad? Or the older brother? Or the neighbor who popped in to drop something back?

Stompythedinosaur · 11/10/2017 13:04

Honestly, yes, I think your dc will be left out. I think sleepovers are a pretty normal part if childhood.

Are there any families you'd feel happier with your dc going to (maybe a close friend's family?)

I wonder if this is more to do with your dp's anxieties?

KarateKitten · 11/10/2017 13:16

I think being comfortable sleeping in various places and being able to rely on other responsible adults when away from mum and dad are very important life skills for a child.

ReaderofMinds · 12/10/2017 15:27

Ds is only 3 at the moment but I dread the thought of sleepovers starting.

Ragwort · 12/10/2017 15:42

My DS loved sleepovers and we had them from quite a young age - never had family living nearby so it was the 'done thing' in our village to have sleepovers when parents wanted a night out, it was a fairly informal arrangement and it always worked well (I am very laid back but even I was shocked when the new girl friend of one of my DH's friends asked me to have her child for a sleepover - never met the child before ). But DH and I are ex-scout leaders so well used to having other people's children overnight.

But do whatever you feel comfortable - there is no right or wrong but I would strongly suggest you don't let your DC feel that wanting to go on a sleepover is 'wrong' or 'difficult'. Most Y6 children will go on a school trip where an over night stay is involved and it would be tough if that is the child's first night away from home.

Macaroni46 · 12/10/2017 18:41

What karate kitten said. Yes they might feel homesick or temporarily fall out with a friend but how will they ever learn independence or resilience if you never let them experience a new situation. Sleepovers are the ultimate for tweenage children and I do think to forbid them could make them feel different socially

Parker231 · 12/10/2017 18:51

My DT’s started doing sleepovers when they were about 8. At that age it was just one school friend and I arranged it that if DD was away, DS could have a friend for a sleepover at our house - one in, one out!

When they changed to senior school the sleepovers because more frequently, particularly for DD and they often involved a house full rather than just one friend. Luckily DT’s bedrooms are on a separate floor so the noise was contained into one place!

problembottom · 12/10/2017 19:45

Sleepovers were basically the height of my social life when I was a preteen. We bloody loved them! There were a couple of girls in my circle of friends who didn't stay over, one was too scared and the other one's parents didn't want her to, so their parents would just pick them up late on, it wasn't a huge deal.

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