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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel weird about this.

23 replies

littlegrub2 · 10/10/2017 09:32

Partner left when our baby was a few months old, wanted best of both worlds, barely sees her, provides only when asked and bare minimum (ie a packet of nappies in a few months no other financial contribution).

His family still want to play happy families with me and my other children who aren’t his and I’m finding it too difficult.

I’m full of resentment for him and as his parents I find it hard to be around them. I just feel so unwanted by any of them and not sure where I actually stand or if they’re just desperate to keep contact with their grandchild (as he doesn’t take her to see them, they aren’t that close).

I don’t know how to word it really! I just don’t want to play happy families with them when their son has left me in such a place and abandoned us all.

I’m being unreasonable aren’t I? I don’t know. My anxiety is playing a massive part, I avoid them at all costs and when I have to speak to them I feel incredibly panicked and uncomfortable.

OP posts:

ThePeanutGallery · 10/10/2017 09:34

YABU to not allow them to see their grandchild. However, you don't have to play happy families and you don't have to like them. You just have to allow them a spot in the child's life.

SloeSloeQuickQuickGin · 10/10/2017 09:37

TBH you shouldn’t punish the grandparents for the actions of their son, that’s just spiteful. Every child has a right to grow up know it is loved by it's extended family and you can't deprive the child of that.

They probably aren't best part pleased with their son either. I wouldn’t say it devastated my parents when my very feckless brother didn’t bother with his son for some years, but they made their displeasure with him known and eventually their demands he step up and act like a father were met.

existentialmoment · 10/10/2017 09:37

You don't have to. But cutting your child (and other children) off from people who love and care for them because someone else who should do isn't seems like spite. And all about your feelings and not theirs.
What will you tell them later? Your grandparents and extended family loved you and wanted to see you but I wouldn't let them because I was mad?

WhooooAmI24601 · 10/10/2017 09:37

Understandably you're hurt and upset over this; it's an awful situation for you. Ex left when DS1 was 5 months and wasn't ever so interested in spending time with DS1. His parents (especially his Mum) was desperate not to lose contact and so we managed to salvage a 'friendship' of sorts. It wasn't easy and there were times both of us had to bite our tongues, but she didn't cheat on me, she didn't leave us. The only person responsible for Ex's actions was him.

DS1 is 12 this week and I'm still close to my ex MIL. She's been an incredible part of helping me raise DS1, so allow contact if you can.

user1493413286 · 10/10/2017 09:39

I don’t see why you have to play happy families. Let them see their grandchild and if they have a good relationship with your other children and your children want to see them then let that happen but unless you’re worried about your children being alone with them you don’t have to be there. You could subtly withdraw rather than making a thing of it, when they ask to see the children say that you have things to do but they can take the kids out etc.

clumsyduck · 10/10/2017 09:41

I do understand your anxiety op but from there point of view they don't want to play happy families they just want to see their grandchild who they love . If I was you I'd Use it as an Oportunity for a bit of support , bit of a break etc which you should have got from your ex

FritzDonovan · 10/10/2017 09:44

YANBU. The grandparents should be putting pressure on their son to provide sufficiently for his DC. They're happy to take the good bits, but do they provide any support (emotional/time/money)?

schoolgaterebel · 10/10/2017 10:07

Perhaps if their time with your DC was more structured?

Explain to them that you are finding it difficult moving on while they are wafting in and out of your life frequently. That you want time and independence from them but still encourage their relationship with their grandchild. Agree to a set time, such as Saturday mornings or every other Sunday etc. And stick to that. Don’t allow them to visit etc other than the agreed times. You don’t have to have them in your home.

littlebird7 · 10/10/2017 10:11

In a very quiet moment when you can think clearly and are relaxed (ie not stressed and anxious) perhaps consider ways that the gp could be part of your lives and it is not anxiety inducing. Is it easier in public settings like picnics etc, or to see a show or the cinema. Maybe it is easier if you are out and have a break and they can spend time with your dc.

The point being that is a terrible shame for your dc to lose this loving and supportive element of their family. I know at the moment you can't face it, but you won't always feel like you do now. If they are trying so hard to be part of your lives I would seriously consider how this can work. They may very well turn out to be a real support and influence further down the line. Your dc deserve to have as many loving people around them as possible.

littlebird7 · 10/10/2017 10:14

Also have to highly comment the gp for pressing on in the hardest of times, it must be really difficult for them as well not to mention awkward.
It is not their fault that their son did this to you. I would start to develop a relationship with them in a different way and one that doesn't involve dp.

PinkHeart5914 · 10/10/2017 10:23

They are not to blame for the way there son treated you, He is an adult and he alone is responsible for his actions. And I think you would be unreasonable to not allow them to have a realtionship with the child becuase they are his family, why should the child miss out on being loved by someone else?

Maybe you could have a set day once a week/fortnight when the grandparents could have them over for the day or take them out?

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 10/10/2017 10:23

Could you break the visits down, so that they don't all visit together. You may be able to cope better this way, and not feel so overwhelmed.
Your ex partner is a rat, and the cause of your angst, but it's not their fault, they're rocking in the same boat as you.
The more people who genuinely love your children, the better.

peterpan742 · 10/10/2017 10:24

My sisters dad has 3 children from 2 women. He left them all when they were babies.

My mum has always allowed his family to see Dsis. They lived down the road (literally 5 minute walk) and didn't see her until she was almost 10 months old, saw her vaguely and then stopped. They moved over 3 hours away, but work pretty locally. They all drive. Grandma was unhappy that we never brought sister to see her (it's a 4 hour train journey and then a 45 minute bus ride but there are no buses on a weekend!) but every time we offered, we were met with 'Sorry, i'm busy' or 'babysitting other grandkids, maybe another time'
They haven't seen or spoken to her in 4-5 years now. Our phonecalls were ignored etc and that's just how it is.

The mum of his other children have never allowed contact. She doesn't like him, so his children aren't allowed to see their extended family.

It's tough. Dsis does ask. We can't say much, but at least we can tell her we tried.

MistressDeeCee · 10/10/2017 10:24

YANBU OP. I'm not surprised you feel unwanted. I'd find your situation re his family difficult too. However they at least are playing a family role. & they are a support in some way? Move towards being around less, when the children are with them. You won't always have to be there and the days will come when it afford you more free time to get on with things you want/need to do. Hang in there, it will get better

MistressDeeCee · 10/10/2017 10:24

GabriellaMontez · 10/10/2017 10:27

What exactly do they want from you? How old is their gc?

AngelsSins · 10/10/2017 10:31

YANBU, It's their sons job to facilitate this relationship, not yours. Why is it ok for him to walk away from his own child, to do nothing in terms of care and to stop his parents from seeing his child because he can't be bothered to arrange anything, but it's not ok if you don't run around picking up the pieces. Screw that.

I'd suggest they arrange contact through their son in future if you really can't deal with this. What you're doing at the moment is very kind and if it can continue, you can make it on your terms if that's helps you.

archersfan3 · 10/10/2017 10:54

Sorry to hear your ex has behaved so badly.
However in relation to the rest of the family I would ask yourself whether you have any specific issues with them and their ability to care appropriately for your dd or whether your difficulties with them relate to your ex's behaviour? It's completely ok to feel negative towards them so don't feel embarrassed to feel like that but in terms of how you act on your feelings you might regret losing touch with them eg if you need help with childcare in future. You shouldn't have to play 'happy families' though so do consider others' suggestions for how you can allow dd to stay in touch without you having to spend too much time making small talk with them. This might be tricky now if dd is only small and you're not comfortable leaving her (hard to tell from OP how old she is) but will get easier as she gets older. In terms of your other children I guess it depends how much of a relationship they have already built up with them? If they are already a bit unsettled after your ex left it might be that having some stability by keeping in touch with the rest of the family might be a good thing.
The situation is very different if you feel for any reason that they are not suitable people to be around your children.

Butterymuffin · 10/10/2017 11:00

I can understand why you feel resentful, but it's not their fault. It would be cutting of your nose to spite your face to shut them out, as they could be people who will have your DC for you and give you a break - doesn't sound like your ex could be relied on for that, and there may come a day you wish you had more willing babysitters and interested childcarers to draw on. They sound like they're trying to be adult and caring about this - take it for what it is, and try not to blame them for their son's faults. Is it worth seeking counselling to talk through your (understandable) hurt and resentment towards him?

Mittens1969 · 10/10/2017 11:52

I would agree with what PPs have said, it’s not your ex’s family’s fault but I can understand why you wouldn’t want to play ‘happy families’. But it’s not DD’s fault either, his family love her so it would be great for her if you can facilitate contact. And it will also give you some time for yourself, while she’s spending time with his family.

guilty100 · 10/10/2017 11:53

I don't think this issue with the family gets to the heart of the problem. Why isn't your ex contributing to the cost of this child?

Motoko · 10/10/2017 14:48

Do they know he isn't contributing financially?

I have a GD. My son left her mum when she was pregnant. He was living with us at the time, so I got to see GD regularly, but he's had to move 150 miles away. Since then, the only times I've seen my GD is at her birthday party, and a few other times. Those times, it's been me who has initiated contact. I'd be devastated if her mum stopped me from seeing her.

I don't know how much my son financially contributes towards her, but if her mum told me he wasn't giving her any money, I would certainly have words with him. However, I wouldn't be able to force him to pay.

It would be a shame to stop the grandparents contact because of the actions of their son, for them and your DC.

Motoko · 10/10/2017 14:49

I forgot to say, have you been through CMS to get maintenance?

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