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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friend inviting everyone to everything

55 replies

FluffyFlowerFace · 10/10/2017 08:25

AiBu? I have a lovely friend but this annoys me. Well arrange to go out say just 3 of us then we'll get messages to inform other people have been invited. Sometimes it would be nice to just be a smaller group and sometimes I am a bit out out that lots of other people end up joining on due to her invite!

OP posts:

RebeccaWrongDaily · 10/10/2017 10:19

so you want all your own way? Regardless of what half (or maybe 2/3's of the group if there's 3 of you going out?)

Be a grown up, speak at a time when you've not been put on the spot?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 10/10/2017 10:25

Even if you know and like the others it was not what you had in mind or you'd have contacted them.

Telling her hasn't made any difference has it.
If she doesn't get why then you will have to accept she prefers lots of company to cosy chats but waits for you to initiate a get-together.
You say she is a lovely person in every other respect..

KungFuEric · 10/10/2017 10:26

Have you read some of the responses Rebecca? Quite often you only find out others are included when you get the 'just leaving now, is it okay if X comes along too?' They aren't really consulting you but unilaterally changing the tone of the event.

That's a different scenario to one in which the planning is taking place and someone suggests other people come along, then there is time to say 'yeah that's a great idea' or 'do you mind if it's just the original plan as I wanted to speak about...' And then everyone is aware of what's going on. You're right though, no one is beholden to go to any social event and everyone is free to decline if they don't think they'd enjoy themselves.

Anecdoche · 10/10/2017 10:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KurriKurri · 10/10/2017 10:32

She will not stop unless you make her uninvite people, unless you say 'no they can;t come, you should have asked before you invited them, Please tell them it's not OK' Then she will be put in an embarrassing and awkward position. But you have to be firm - she's doing it, because you let her.

I had to do something similar with a relatice who used to book her flights transport etc. Then ask me if she could come and stay for 3 weeks. One time I said no she couldn't and just said hard luck you should have asked first when she moaned about losing money over flights. She never booked first and asked after again.

cresit · 10/10/2017 10:33

The very last time I saw my friend for a planned day out, she turned up with her mother, who deeply resented me for stealing her daughter from her.

She made her feelings very clear all day.

NannyRed · 10/10/2017 10:36

I'd be tempted to say to her "yes it's alright for her to come, but I won't be there now. I have told you before I didn't want a night out with your friends that I don't know" and I'd cancel on your side of the date. It's not only unfair, it's also rude for her to assume everyone wants to have her friends crash the party sos to speak.

Hopefully if you cancel on going out with her a few times she may get the message that you are not interested in her friends.

MaisieDotes · 10/10/2017 10:37

I hate this too. I recently invited someone over and they forwarded the text to someone else (who I had deliberately and for good reason not invited).

Imagine my surprise when I got a response from person two telling me what dates/ times did and didn't suit them Jog on, mrs.

Well, when I say jog on, what I actually said was "yes the 6th seems fine" and then silently fumed for two weeks

Butterymuffin · 10/10/2017 10:41

As pp have said, you have to say 'Actually, I'll leave you to it' then and not go. Or reconvene your original group somewhere different. Either that or stop inviting this person out.

problembottom · 10/10/2017 10:52

I have a friend who does this too. She's a social butterfly and when I first moved to this city she was a gem. So while she does annoy me by bringing random folk along I remember when I didn't know anyone she was so lovely and I can't be mad.

HowWhenWhy · 10/10/2017 10:55

I used to work at a company some years ago, where one person kept on doing this.

For our Christmas work nights out, as some people did not have a DH/DP, we all decided that we would not bring them. One person just turned up with her sister - who none of us knew and because we had booked tables for the expected number of people, some of us ended up sitting on other tables, away from everyone else, as the sister had taken one space!

Colleague justified this by telling us that she had called the venue and added one and that the venue were 'ok' with it. She just could not see what the problem was and continued to do it. Was very awkward

RebeccaWrongDaily · 10/10/2017 10:57

i've read the previous posts, i just wouldn't go if I felt that strongly about it, and would say something to her at another time.

Rachel0Greep · 10/10/2017 10:58

Let her organise your next meet up...and see what happens. It sounds like she is piggybacking on your organising, albeit with good intentions. I would just say it to her if/ when you are next organising to meet - no, I'd prefer if it was just you, for a catch up.

pigeondujour · 10/10/2017 10:58

It's totally okay to say "I'll leave you to it" and bow out in a non-bratty way. It 100% isn't okay to demand someone else be uninvited, or to be aggressive to your friend who is an adult about what they can and cannot do, and if you choose to do so you have to be prepared for what the consequences of that might be.

metalmum15 · 10/10/2017 10:58

And a goth boy who I'd never met

I think I would say yes,,it's fine, then at the last minute text her and say Me & X have to cancel, enjoy your night with your friends. Then head off somewhere with other friend and have a much better night. I remember arranging a girlie shopping trip once with a friend and our dds. I turned up with mine in tow, she rocked up with dh and no dd - she was at the childminders for the day! That was a very interesting 'girlie' day and not one I ever repeated!

Callaird · 10/10/2017 11:02

I'm like you, prefer smaller groups. I'd say ok you don't need me then, we'll catch up later, every single time!! If she gets upset she'll stop. If not I'd say she books you in until someone more interesting is available but isn't enough of a bitch to cancel you.

The above may just be my insecurities coming out though!!

GinUser · 10/10/2017 11:06

The next time she does it (and warn the people you originally invited in advance) just cancel except her and let her meet up with all the other people she invited.
Or just not invite her a few times.

RiotAndAlarum · 10/10/2017 11:13

I was thinking of MN when this happened to me this summer! The first time, I sucked it up (aware that my older DC was sucking it up, too), then on the second occasion, I resisted the change of plan, citing unfairness on DS, and got the one-on-one playdate reinstated.

MN Magic!

RuggerHug · 10/10/2017 11:14

I hate this. My friends are pretty laid back and we normally go with the attitude that none of us hang around with gobshites but still you don't just bring someone without asking. Asking is generally very polite 'I'd love to but my friend X is over that weekend, is it okay if they come too or will we leave it?'. No offence taken either way. What really grinds my gears is people who insist on taking their OH everywhere with them, especially on girls lunches etc. Even if the OH is lovely and you don't mind him being attached to your hip, everyone else minds!!!!
Sorry went off on a tangent there....

Bitsy1968 · 10/10/2017 11:33

A person my Mum knew (and didn't like much) brought a friend with her to Mum's funeral. I asked who she was when we were doing the line up (so how do you know Mum?) and she said she didn't, she was here at Anne's invitation. I might have mentioned that it was a funeral, not a party, at that point but she didn't even bat an eyelash.....This interloper wore a bright red coat and massive fur hat to my Mum's funeral, and then sat and talked all the way through it (they were finally told to shut up by a friend). They both then proceeded to stuff themselves stupid at the hotel tea we held afterwards, and even went so far as to ask the staff for boxes of sandwiches to take home afterwards. Extreme example I know. Some people are clueless. Some people believe the world revolves around them. And some people just do not give a sh1t about anyone else's feelings. And yes, I AM bitter that i didn't punch their lights out at the time.

Original poster

FluffyFlowerFace · 10/10/2017 12:28

Bitsy how disrespectful to you and your family x

OP posts:

MorrisZapp · 10/10/2017 12:38

My closest friend is a social butterfly but I was just honest from the start. I don't like her bringing randoms or her boyfriend along, I just told her. She has tons of energy so she can see them separately.

This might sound totally cringe, but she wants to show me off as her funny/cool friend. It's really sweet and her other friends are fine but I don't want to have to sparkle for strangers. I want to be myself and have a decent chat, no holds barred.

As it turns out, I did meet one person through her that I now consider a close friend so I'm not a total grouch. I just have limited time and energy and only want to do things I want to do.

MorrisZapp · 10/10/2017 12:40

Although both of them (closest friend and friend of friend) have partners who work away so nights out are soooo hard to plan. I think they want to see everyone at once and I can't blame them, but it's just not the same.

Motoko · 10/10/2017 12:41

If she's already been told not to do it, I think next time you arrange something, reiterate that she's not to invite anyone else, and say if she does, then she won't be invited any more. And then stick to it.

CruCru · 10/10/2017 12:45

I used to have a friend like this. I once invited her on a ski holiday I was organising and said “Sure!” when she asked if she could invite a friend. Then found out I was organising a holiday for 12 people, 7 of whom I’d never met. In the end, my husband and I got engaged and I said that I couldn’t organise a wedding and a ski trip.

I think she was quite socially insecure and liked to be seen to be surrounded by people. In the end she moved to another country and said that she wasn’t going to be able to see me for a while but would love to reconnect when she was back in the UK. So that’s me dropped (which was fine).

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