AIBU to be struggling with something that happened over a decade ago...?

[MrsWotsit]

Name changed for this...

Found out today via a flippant comment from my mother in law that when my husband and I first met, he was seeing someone else and there was an overlap between that relationship ending and ours starting.

To my knowledge at the time (and for the past ten years until today) we were both free and single when we met, and we were 'exclusive' from day one.

Have spoken to him about it briefly and he can't believe his mum mentioned it. We've never talked about past relationships - it's something neither or us want to hear about the other, so we've never gone there. But this wasn't a past relationship, it was a current one.

He says the crossover was minimal but the reason his family knew is because there was a family event that he took his ex to shortly after we got together because 'it was already booked' (hotel etc). I don't know exactly how long this crossover was.

So my first issue is the fact that he lied about something fairly major at the very start of seeing me. I have always considered him to be a good, honest and decent person and this revelation has really shaken that belief.

The second issue is a sexual one. The thought that there was a time when he was sleeping with us both has really upset me. I had a HPV result on a smear (several years ago now), and needed some treatment. At the time I was asked if my partner or I had slept with other people and I actually laughed at the suggestion...! Now realise this is exactly what had happened.

I feel like it's shaken my world. But at the same time it was so long ago, we're married and have kids now. But I feel like the whole basis of our relationship was built on a lie at the very start.

AIBU to feel this way? Really struggling to get past it.

How much of a crossover was there? Like a few weeks when you had just started dating?

"the fact that he lied about something fairly major at the very start of seeing me. I have always considered him to be a good, honest and decent person and this revelation has really shaken that belief."

It sounds like the relationship was at its end anyway. Be honest: if you'd known he was "attached", would you have hung around? Doubtful. If you have an otherwise good marriage, I would try to move past it.

On the other hand, I am surprised that one of the two things you worry about isn't your bitchy MIL...

"The thought that there was a time when he was sleeping with us both has really upset me."

You really don't know that this happened.

Did you STI test at the beginning of the relationship?

Also, if it's bothering you... why haven't you got an answer?

It’s a tricky one,

It’s not unreasonable to think if you had just dated then become an item instantly that perhaps he wasn’t expecting it and the other person was a casual.

But it’s also not unreasonable to be a bit floored and start questioning things being built on dishonesty.

Do you know how long the overlap was?

Very casual woman he had prior commitment with that he honoured but didn’t have sex with after committing to you and he finished with her after the event to avoid a scene possibly not a big deal. If she’s casual enough to not have been considered a actual girlfriend

How long was the cross-over?

Many people date in the American way - i.e. multiple partners are 'interviewed' on a few dates before a decision is taken to pursue one, the other, or none. If this is the case then it's just a different style.

Again casually dating the two of you, before realising he preferred you, there could well be a genuine period of uncertainty before he made a decision. Not my style of dating, but I know many for whom it is.

If it was a few weeks I wouldn't be worried. If it was a long-term girlfriend he two-timed with you I could be concerned about his capacity to cheat. It could have been innocent dating, and when he chose you and realised how you would view it, decided not to say anything.

I remember a boyfriend I got together with at uni. We flirted and got really friendly for a few weeks before we got together, and it was obvious what was going to happen. Later I found out he'd had 2 one night stands during that flirtatious period. It was upsetting even though morally, there was no issue.

How long was the overlap? Unless we are talking months, I think you are overreacting.
Please don't let something that happened 10 years ago when you barely knew each other damage your relationship.

I actually did that. I was seeing somebody but the relationship was coming to an end, then I met my now DH and for a couple of weeks I was kind of seeing both. I didn't know where that relationship was going but ended the old one completely after two weeks.

So I don't know exact length of the crossover as have only seen him for about 15 minutes between me getting in from work and him leaving for his work.

I also don't know if I'll ask for further specifics as I'm not sure how helpful I would find it to have details. Would only obsess and worry about them.

I do know that the previous relationship was a 'proper girlfriend' - serious enough to be going to a big family event together. When we spoke he didn't deny that he was having sex with both of us, and knowing him he would have been quick to deny it if he wasn't - so that's pretty conclusive.

I just feel so sad. Neither of us are the romantic type but I've always had those exciting, heady days of the first few months of our relationship to look back on as a time when we were - now it feels a bit tainted.

Really hoping I can move past it.

Well if the OP's husband took the other partner to a family event that was already booked in advance, then it sounds a fairly established relationship.

If it was me, I would also struggle to get past it because there is no way I'd get involved with someone who thought 'overlapping' relationships were OK.

I used to take casuals to family events it was never a big deal amd didn’t mean I was serious or established they were just my guest at an event

I think you need to ask him about it when you aren't both rushing in and out of work.

Did he day he was single. Of did you affine he was?
Given that you have a good marriage, I think you are going to have to do that really sophisticated thing where you know both things are true. That your are justifiable angry, and that you want your marriage to survive. There are lots of threads of subtlety, and it's possible to do both.
You need to talk and he's what he has to say about it, let your feelings out, and see where you stand as the smoke clears.

Sorry you are going through this op, it sound such s shock.

If I were you, I would want to know how long the overlap was. If it was a few weeks, then no big deal. If it were six months, then that would be a big deal.