To think I am in denial about my DB passing

[NooNooHead]

My poor DB passed away in August from cancer aged 34.

I am coping ok but every so often I sit there and look at his photo and actually realise that he is gone, just a pile of ashes, and not a real, live person with hopes, dreams and a life.

It is so surreal. I feel like I am suppressing my true feelings and grief and that if I actually stop to think properly about his passing away, I will crumble and not stop crying. I sometimes feel very panicky and anxious when I think in detail about how he isn’t here any more, and how we all cease to be when we are gone.

I wonder if I am in denial about him and that my mind in protecting me from the full force of my feelings for a while so I can come to terms with it.
Has anyone else ever been through this sort of thing when they are grieving?

Oh it's such early days.
Don't expect so much of yourself.
Your allowed to cry.
Do you need to talk to someone?
Take time and look after yourself.

Completely normal. My dad died in 2015 in pretty horrific circumstances and I have found grieving is a very back and forth process. It is a bit like a sea, you get periods of calm and then waves will suddenly hit you and you get that panicky, unnreal feeling. It is all normal. There are no abnormal ways of grieving. We are all individuals and grieve in different ways. Just be kind to yourself and let the feelings wash over you, don't try and reject them, experience them. I have found that things do slowly get easier.

I'm going through a similar experience, having lost my Mum in June. Her death was completely unexpected. I am trying to clear her house but all my grieving is for my Dad, who died 3 years ago. It's as if I can't even let myself think about my Mum. Just as you say, it's as if I'm protecting myself because if I go down that route I'm not sure if I'll be able to stay in control.

I am also having great surges of adrenaline all the time, which feels weird but seems to have no obvious trigger.

I think it's just early days for us and we need time to adjust to this new reality.

Grief is a marathon, not a sprint and what you are feeling is ok; there is no right or wrong way here. These are also still very early days for you.

CRUSE are also worth contacting if you want someone impartial to talk to as well.