How would you have reacted if your MIL.......

[Greenleeves]

..... had said "Now you stop that, or I'll clip your ear!" to your 4yo? She knows perfectly well we don't believe in hitting children. And he wasn't doing anything really dreadful, he was fiddling with one of the cupboard doors. He stopped when I asked him to.

We stayed with her for four nights over Easter, and most of it was OK. She's not a horrible person and I don't hate her, but we are VERY different and I found it very stressful trying to manage the children my way on her territory IYSWIM.

She also said several times to my children "I think you've heard the word No more this week than you've ever heard it before!". The last time she said that to ds1 was at the dinner table in front of the whole family, and I replied without thinking "No actually, you'd be surprised - but it's much easier to discipline your children in your own home than in someone else's", and she replied "No, well actually it's easier not to bother at all". Which upset me a bit, because my children are quite well disciplined and well-behaved. I do say 'no' to them!!

So would you have argued/made a stink? Or would you just bite your tongue?

I think I would have been unable to resist saying, 'Oooh, get back in the knife drawer'.

Which is what I said years ago when MIL made some comment about dd1's tangled hair, and then followed it up with, "Well, it might help if you brushed it occasionally". She cranked back her level of bitchy comments considerably for a while after that.

Does your MIL have only sons, by any chance? Cos mine does, and I'm convinced that spending her adult life surrounded by men means that she finds it much harder to adopt a suitable tone with other women, ie. me and SILs.

Yes frogs, MIL has three sons!!!

She's not a bad old stick really, she can be very kind, but she's got the sharpest tongue in Britain and very little tact!

We've had similar at my PIL's house. Dh to his credit did once say, very calmly 'if we are annoying you that much, would you like us to go home?' That worked! But actually in your situation, I think I would have let it go and had another glass of wine, unless I thought it was harshly meant.

My children and particularly ds can act up spectacularly when we are staying with PIL, mainly because they do a bizarre combination of spoiling them outrageously and telling them off for the stupidest things - eg FIL having a genuine Jane Austen style attack of the vapour if ds picks his nose (he's 6 fgs), and MIL shrieking and jumping if they go near the cat(because that reaction isn't going to make a 2 year old think 'what fun!'). I'm sure MIL thinks I am doing a rotten job on the discipline front, but I think she just has no concept of picking her battles.

PMSL at the Jane Austen-style vapours over a spot of nose-picking

frogs, you'll have to keep reminding me to Talk Nicely to other women, then!

Dino, I'm sure you'll be a delightful MIL!

My MIL is an only child, mother died early, and she has no sisters and no other female relatives or close friends, and I think she just doesn't have an antenna for what constitutes normal interactions among women. She apparently once said to SIL, "Should you be eating that? I thought you'd need to be watching your weight" and was most put out when SIL reacted badly. I've had similar reactions when I've objected to what to female ears are clearly outrageously bitchy comments from her. Her response to any criticism tends to be to start sobbing gently -- and I can see that if you're surrounded by males, that's probably quite an effective tactic. Whereas most women's reaction would be, "Oh FGS, pull yourself together".

You're back with MrPG, then, dino!?

I'm an expert on MIL tolerance and have spent far too much time thinking about both DP's and my parents views.

I really believe that in the past people used to smack their kids and this calmed the Grandparents because in their minds punishment had been received. Now this is not the normal parents response they feel we've all gone barking mad and that our children are being allowed to run wild. Truth is that many of the older generation don't know how to discipline without resorting to violence and let's face it a lot of us are learning for the first time as well. Very annoying and personally I hate the feeling that we're being talked about the minute we've left the house!

'Yes frogs, MIL has three sons!!!

She's not a bad old stick really, she can be very kind, but she's got the sharpest tongue in Britain and very little tact!'

OMFG - that's going to be my DIL speaking about in 30 years time

And, you see, I have to say it, JT is quite open with her opinions too! She has lived with my dad and my 2 sarcy brothers all her life so it's not surprising!

She would never be rude or open about what she thinks about the raising of a child to a DIL, but I think she's quite open about telling me what she thinks about how I do things. Luckily the relationship we have means I can just 'argue back' or disagree quite comfortably and just laugh about it.

I'm sure she things I'm not 'strict' enough but hey- my kids, my turn!

I think that's right JT, isn't it?!

Sorry, wandered off! Reason the banging drums thing pissed me off was they encouraged her at first 'OOh, what a good noise, can you make it louder?' and then when the footie scores were being read out they started shouting at her to shut up, like they can't read them ffs! Poor little DD!
Normally I would agree, this is why none of her noisy toys have batteries

MIL's can be a major pain in the derriere.

Personally, though, I take the attitude that my child is going to have to learn to take different types of chastisement from different people (grandparents, parents, aunts, uncles, friends and teachers) so unless the grandparent is actually hitting the child or is FREQUENTLY resorting to language or threats that you feel are inappropriate it might be better to just ignore the odd comment from your MIL even if it is a different style from how you deal with your children.

In fact, taking that attitude could result in your children having an appreciation of the fact that Mummy is actually quite fair and rational - it could work in your favour!

The paternal grandmother of my daughter wouldn't dare say anything like that, but seeing as she's only seen us three times in four years she doesn't get much chance. If she ever dared to be so bullish to me she'd get short shrift and we would leave. I do not allow anybody to be critical of the way I bring up my child, I have issues enough with my own demons without dealing with those belonging to others.

I would have asked her to stop interfering when she made the 'clip' quip, and I would have left when she had a go at you. She might be your mother in law, but her parenting days are behind her now and she has no option but to respect the fact that you and your partner do things differently. If she doesn't like it she should take a running jump.

Agnes

utterly pissed off with the world so this thread is getting the brunt of it, sorry!

I did decide that in the end Rantum, as long as snobody actually hits or frightens him, it's probably not that awful for him to know that other people/other generations have/had different child-rearing attitudes. He does know that some parents physically punish their children, and that it used to be more common. He knows we wouldn't let it happen to him because we don't believe in it.

At one level I suppose I think this is part of the enriching and widening of experience that having extended family/friends is all about. He can love MIL and still know that she and Mummy don't see eye to eye on everything. I don't actually think it would be healthy for him to grow up only ever seeing MY way of doing things and thinking it's the only way children live.

I did get that "lioness" feeling when I heard her threaten him though, it took me aback a bit! And when she made the catty quip about not bothering I wanted to sock her one