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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How would you have reacted if your MIL.......

39 replies

Greenleeves · 10/04/2007 11:52

..... had said "Now you stop that, or I'll clip your ear!" to your 4yo? She knows perfectly well we don't believe in hitting children. And he wasn't doing anything really dreadful, he was fiddling with one of the cupboard doors. He stopped when I asked him to.

We stayed with her for four nights over Easter, and most of it was OK. She's not a horrible person and I don't hate her, but we are VERY different and I found it very stressful trying to manage the children my way on her territory IYSWIM.

She also said several times to my children "I think you've heard the word No more this week than you've ever heard it before!". The last time she said that to ds1 was at the dinner table in front of the whole family, and I replied without thinking "No actually, you'd be surprised - but it's much easier to discipline your children in your own home than in someone else's", and she replied "No, well actually it's easier not to bother at all". Which upset me a bit, because my children are quite well disciplined and well-behaved. I do say 'no' to them!!

So would you have argued/made a stink? Or would you just bite your tongue?

OP posts:
oliveoil · 10/04/2007 11:55

bite your tongue
bite your tongue
bite your tongue

My dad says "ooooh I will will have to smack your bottom" to mine if they do something he doesn't approve of, in a jokey manner but anyway

I say primly "nobody hits in this house" which is a lie as they are always clobbering each other

but you know what I mean

Carmenere · 10/04/2007 11:56

I would lightheartedly quip, 'clip his ear and I'll clip yours'

belgo · 10/04/2007 11:56

You can bite your tongue but you'll be doing that for a long time. And if you're like me, at some point, you will explode.

The comment about not bothereing would have really pissed me off. Tell her outright that your children are well behaved, and that your discipline methods are working.

Carmenere · 10/04/2007 11:57

But then I enjoy baiting my mil.

powder28 · 10/04/2007 11:57

Bite your tongue, and don't give her silly comments another thought.

chirpygirl · 10/04/2007 11:57

I would have said quietly to her out of earshot of your DS, we try not to say things like that, we say this.

My SIL and I had the same problem with my MIL and FIL, they don't mean it and have never smacked their kids but I think it is one of those things the older generation used to say.

I told them that we just say 'No' but then I had to ask them to stop overusing it (DD was making too much noise on her drum and got told No as they couldn't hear telly ffs!)

powder28 · 10/04/2007 11:57

Lol @ oliveoil

pageturner · 10/04/2007 11:58

Well, as you know Greeny, I have a treading-on-eggshells relationship with my MIL with regard to my children atm. In your shoes, I would have said pretty much what you did. Unfortunately, my MIL seems to hear what I've said, but forgets 30 seconds later and goes on about it again. She asked my about ds2's bottom problem the other day and seemed genuinely surprised when I was telling her about his reaction to some inadvertent potato consumption. Because she doesn't believe me, she thinks it's a behavioural (in him) and a discipline problem (in me)

Oh God, don't get me started. Oh dear, you did!

Nice to see you back btw! Fancy that day out next week?

GooseyLoosey · 10/04/2007 11:58

Would have bitten my tongue and regretted it afterwards. Actually wouldn't have needed to as dh would have leapt in and screamed blue murder at her.

Could you get dh to tell her to pay off these type of comments as its easier to tell your own mother these things?

Must say the "easier not to bother" comment is pretty offensive and would be inclined to take that one up with her if only to say that that may be true but you do bother a lot and prefer not to take the easy way out by "clipping a child round the ear", which requires almost no effort at all!

oliveoil · 10/04/2007 11:59

my two were on sugar overdose on Sunday at inlaws

dd1 was being a SPECTACULAR pain in the rear

so I said RIGHT IF YOU CARRY ON, WE WILL GO HOME

cue FIL saying "oh come here dd1, pander pander, spoil spoil" etc etc

completely over riding me on my high horse

which annoyed me hugely but what can you do

dd1 smirked away as she had got her own way

she knows however for a fact, it would not happen in our house so they do behave differently in differennt places

TeeCee · 10/04/2007 12:00

I wouldn't have argued or made a stink but I might have said 'ohhh sweetie (to my DC) think Grandma is getting cross with you now so let's go and find something fun to do'.

With regard to the other stuff, tricky but as you say you are very different peopel and she's not a horrible person so probbaly just best to bite your tounge. You know that you're doing a good job with your kids and that's what really matters. I'm pone for chossing your battles, esp when trying to spend some nice time with friends and family etc and if that means not saying no to my kids a 1000 times a day, when what does it really matter, then so be it.

pageturner · 10/04/2007 12:00

That was meant to be an !

Original poster
Greenleeves · 10/04/2007 12:00

I did bite my tongue about the ear-clipping comment, although I said to dh that if she saidit again he would have to tell her not to. It's not as if she actually hit him. It did upset me a bit though. I don't know whether ds1 knew what she meant.

So about the not bothering bit, should I have replied again, or just left it? I didn't know where to look, I just changed the subject. She said it in front of the children!!

God, it's a relief to be back home!!

OP posts:
Gobbledigook · 10/04/2007 12:02

I think it's fair enough to tell a child if they are banging a drum and you can't hear the TV! I would anyway!

ComeOVeneer · 10/04/2007 12:04

Oliveoil, that is exactly what my mother does, I think she is trying to diffuse the situation and doesn't like seeing the children disciplined/punished. I don't have to do anything as my father tells her to butt out

Original poster
Greenleeves · 10/04/2007 12:04

cross-posted with a load of people then!!

I actually think she didn't totally mean the not bothering remark, I think she was just not used to being stood up to by me and she just fired back without thinking. She really isn't a nasty person, she just Bloody Hard Work!!

OP posts:
Carmenere · 10/04/2007 12:05

I have to agree with GDG on the drum banging thing, imo adults watching tv takes precedent over dc's banging drums.

Gobbledigook · 10/04/2007 12:05

I'd have challenged the 'it's better not to bother' comment and the 'clip round the ear' comment. I'd have done it without thinking - I would just have 'thought out loud' and perhaps caused a bit of tension without meaning to but I know I would have blurted out something.

I 'correct' (for want of a better term) my MIL when she is here because she is so different from me and in my own house I like things managed my way.

With my own mother, I just quip back!

glassslipper · 10/04/2007 12:08

i think you should bite your tongue ref the clip your ear comment as it is a generational thing to say and i'm sure they wouldnt dream of doing it in reality.

but when she criticised your style of discipline you'd have been well within your rights to tell her that you have good established boundaries and the children know what they can and cant do when they are at home/out and about. I would also get DH to tell them not to criticse you about anything in fron of the children.

TeeCee · 10/04/2007 12:09

Greensleeves, I wouldn't worry about whehter you should have said someting back now really, you're safe and sound back home!
If she says something similar again maybe you should just say 'look we have diffrent ways of disciplining and I respect your a lot but it's my turn to be a parent now and this is how I choose to do it. I'm doing what I think is right, and I'm doing my best and tbh when we're trying to spend some lovely quality time with you I just think it's better to pick my battles. They really are good kids and I'm just trying to be a good mum with a laid back but firm and fair at the same time. I'm happy with how that's panning out. You just relax and enjoy being a grandparent, I'll worry about the rest [smile' and then give her a kiss on the cheek and walk away to play with your kids. ??????????????

Original poster
Greenleeves · 10/04/2007 12:09

GDG, do you think your would be more assertive in your own home than in MIL's? I wonder whether I would have been more forthright if she had been staying with us rather than the other way round.

It's the first time I have ever actually pushed back a bit in response to her comments. It felt rather good [power-hungry emoticon]. I wish I had just gently said "We don't threaten to hit him, it's not what he's used to" instead of standing there like a startled guppy.

OP posts:
beckybrastraps · 10/04/2007 12:09

Oh I constantly bite my tongue and smile through gritted teeth around my MIL. Life's too short,she is my dh's mother and he loves her (although he too can only tolerate her for short periods...).

If you did cause a stink, what do you predict as the fall-out? I know that it wouldn't clear the air with my MIL, it would just provide more evidence of my utter unsuitability as a wife and mother. It would be ignored (but pointedly ignored, IYKWIM), and she would just carry on disapproving of me and my ways.

Does your ds know what a 'clip around the ear' is? I do threaten mine with all manner of extreme violence (they know the word eviscerate for example ), but it would never occur to them that I mught actually do it, because I don't hit them. Hitting is not a punishment they contemplate for themsleves, so I think if a grandparent made a comment like that, they wouldn't think it was something that was likely to occur. And to be fair to my MIL, I don't think she would ever smack her grandchildren.

Carmenere · 10/04/2007 12:11

I think sometimes that it depends on how you relate to your parents and how inlaws relate to their dc's iyswim. I have a very loving and casual relationship with my parents, I love sitting down to dinner with them and having a few glasses of wine and chatting to them. They relate to thier dc's as interesting human beings and respect our wishes.
Mil relates to dp almost as a child and would love us to venerate her as an elevated position in the family.

So the difference is that if my dm said something critical(which she is perfectly capable of) about dd in front of dp and dp quipped back, she would take it with good humour because she respects his child rearing abilities.

If I quipped at mil in same situation she would be grieviously offended at the lack of respect I find it difficult to resist.

Original poster
Greenleeves · 10/04/2007 12:13

OK, having read the responses on here I am pretty happy with the way things went really. If I had raised a stink it would have just meant a toxic atmosphere for everyone, including the children. And it's only once a year!!

I missed MN like a drug, it's quite alarming really

OP posts:
belgo · 10/04/2007 12:16

if it was once a year maybe even I could have held my tongue.