Why don't parents step in?!

[Bananamama1213]

Took DD4 to a birthday party earlier and for the house of "play" they had, she was booted off things by different children - who all completely ignored me when I stepped in.

There were 3 trampolines (in the floor).. she waited until one was free and had only bounced twice when someone else started bouncing. She came off and said "the man said one person at a time". The child's parent didn't say a word.

So we went to do something else. It was these rings you hang on and lift your feet up. My DD was swinging and dropped down because she couldn't hold her weight for more than a minute.. before she'd even got back up, someone came out of nowhere and took the rings.

So once again, we went to do something else. Waited in line for 2 girls to finish on swinging ropes. The girl from above came over a few minutes later and asked if DD was waiting - she said yes. Then as soon as one became available, the girl took it.

Another girl joined the line and as soon as I was lifting DD onto the tied part of the rope, this girl was trying to pull it off her saying it was her turn!

My DD ended up sitting next to the girl who took the rings and the rope, when they ate. The girl said to her mum "I don't have a knife" so lent over my DDs plate to try take hers! I was sitting with DD at the time as she was upset, so I was like no, this belongs to DD.

I just don't understand why parents who are standing right there, don't get involved. Or how children aren't being taught to wait their turn? It doesn't seem like a big lesson to teach them!! Same with manners! So why haven't the parents done it!

My DD is the kind of child who won't stop someone taking something off her. She just sits there and gets sad. But never says anything. It doesn't matter how much I tell her to tell an adult.

You need to model the type of behaviour you want your DD to copy. You say she never says anything and just lets the other children take stuff. She's probably learned from you. You sound very passive, you just kept moving onto another activity when someone takes her turn. No wonder she is not saying anything.

I know it's hard saying something to other people's kids but when the other child jumped on the trampoline you should have said 'DD has only just got on, it's your turn as soon as someone gets off'. Same with the ropes 'oh, DD is still having her turn, you can have a go in a minute'.

This annoys me so much. The parents seem to be there in an instant if you say something though. When DD was a lot younger, we took her to a soft play and this older kid kept hitting her and pushing her, while the parents sat ignoring it. After the third time, I told him to leave her alone and stop being horrible. Funnily enough,. the parents could be arsed to get involved then and started having a go as 'you cant tell my child off!' to which I replied that I wouldn't have to if they parented properly. I felt like a bit of a cunt, but come on...

Can I suggest you role play with your daughter

So it becomes second nature to say 'no it's my turn'

It works

The solemn and unending belief that rules don't apply to them or their children, but do apply to everyone else
This ^^
Utterly selfish gits everywhere

My friend has 2 little girls who are just amazingly good at being politely assertive with stuff like this! I think having a 'wing man' helps.
Sadly you will always find this happens, so just keep encouraging your child to be polite but assertive. Or find them a good friend who will lead the way!

I think it is because they bring their children up with no boundaries. Good luck with that later on you reap what you sow

Passive is definitely me.
DH is definitely more assertive than me. But I find children listen to him more because he's got that male voice.
I'm soft spoken (except with mine) whereas my mum has a voice you just know not to ignore. She is loud and very assertive. I would love to be more like that but I never feel right taking charge of other children.

Yes, she is at school. She started in September. But had only been at preschool for a year beforehand so didn't have much experience with big groups of children her own age. I wish I'd taken her to more groups when she was younger.

Well I'm not super young haha - early 20s. I'm the youngest mum of their reception class. But I'm getting used to that now!

You definitely need to be a role model for your daughter on this - friendly but assertive "no, its dds turn, you're next" also reminding dd in the same time when her turn is over if needed.

Playing turn based games might help too - get her used to "claiming" her turn when necessary

My son is like this - the other kids push in front of him and he's been taught to wait his turn. I'm having to teach him to assert himself and it's really difficult for him.

On the bright side, not all kids are like this - we were at one of those trampoline places, and it had a wrist band rule, where when your hour was up, they called for your colour wristband to leave. He was waiting in a queue to jump into the foam pit when ours was called, and the other kids (he was 7, they were 7-14 at a guess) ushered him forwards so he could get one last jump in before we left. Good kids are out there, parents who teach their kids to take turns exist, but it's the luck of the draw whether you find that group.

Send Dh to the next party. If they listen to him then they might be better at knowing you mean business next time. She's only four .

You've said a couple of times that your voice is soft -except with your kids.

If you can be assertive and have a 'no messing' tone with your own you've got to bite the bullet with others too.

I often think we have frightened ourselves out of the 'it takes a village' menatality and should reclaim it where we can. If you would say 'no' to your DD in that situation say it to another child. Unless the parent is right there- in which case I would look them in the eye and ask them to do it.

Or at least I'd like to think I would- I probably manage it 50-60% of the time in reality OP but I do believe the principle!

The other parents were probably waiting to see whether the children could sort it out between themselves before interfering.

I agree with this. I rarely step in unless there's a brawl, it's how kids learn to interact. My daughter used to be very much like yours. I never spoke for her because she had to learn to do it herself. Now she had no qualms about sticking up for herself or her friends.

No, they don't listen because your husband has 'the male voice' - they listen to him because he expects them to. As others say, stop assuming you won't be listened to, find a strong voice and make them listen.
Teach your children to be sufficiently confident that they are able to stand up for themselves and others - assertiveness is a huge protection from bullying. There is a normal amount of pecking order/learning about relationships but that doesn't mean your daughter should be allow herself to be walked all over.

I'm afraid that's the kind of world we live in now, greedy, selfish and entitled behaviour passed down directly from parents to their offspring.

I cannot believe you let a child 'look through you' - what does that mean anyway? You are the adult/mother - say something if you are annoyed by other children being rude.

I will tell other children off now. I’m always fair and firm (you never know if the parents are actually within earshot or not) and usually a look and a “that’s not very nice, is it?” works. The two biggest bust-ups DS has had at soft play have been resolved with that, said to both of them, and then they’ve been best friends for the next hour.
Both of those times the parents showed up and I just made sure I smiled, didn’t look worried/guilty (I’m disciplining their child, not bullying them) and said “don’t worry, they’re being as bad as each other.”
IF it got to the point where another parent isn’t happy with that you’ve done, just be ready to explain that you would hope someone would discipline your DD if she behaved like that. No one decent can argue with that. If they have a problem with that then they’re an arsehole.

www.childline.org.uk/info-advice/your-feelings/feelings-emotions/being-assertive/

My kids are doing a programme at school to teach kids to be more assertive. Start practising role play with dc. She needs to learn to speak up for herself. I firmly believe in teaching our children to say no and how to react to uncomfortable situations.

You sound like a very caring parent and your DD sounds like such a lovely little girl but there’s honestly nothing wrong with pulling up other children on bad behaviour!

Practise your mum voice - you don't have to be loud just firm tone. Iv found using a lower tone in my voice gets instant attention.

I also think your possibly helicoptering too much. She hasn't learn to be a bit more assertive because she has you there to do things for her.

Also is she really enjoying these parties if she keeps crying?

I don't helicopter. Helicoptering really undermines their learning process for sorting things out themselves.

I do keep an ear out and if something sounds unresolvable then I step in. We offer to make use of the timer function on my phone - 3 minutes each on disputed item. They usually agree.

There were 3 trampolines (in the floor).. she waited until one was free and had only bounced twice when someone else started bouncing. She came off and said "the man said one person at a time". The child's parent didn't say a word.

Well this one the other parent may have thought your dc got off voluntarily.
The others yes a parent should have stepped in, but the first example may well not have been realising.
Teach her to not get off, but turn and say nicely "I've only just got on, and we're not allowed two people on." Once she's got off, well possession is 9/10th of the law in such things, and if she just gets off then the other child can't tell whether it was a "had enough" get off or not.

You then are there to say nicely if that doesn't work something along the lines of "yes, she waited her turn, I'll time her 5 minutes and then you can go on."

4 is still very young. She’ll still be learning the consequences of letting things happen to her. That she is the one missing out on fun activities if she doesn’t stand up for herself. She’ll get there, especially if you talk situations through with her afterwards, and not always solve it for her.

If she cries afterwards that she didn’t get to play on the trampoline, you can talk with her what happened. That she walked off when the man said ‘only 1 person’. Next time she can stay and say it is her turn, then see what happens.

I say this as a mum whose dd was always missing out, and just stood for ages last in the queue for everything as all kids just went in front of her. Sometimes I did step in of course, but I also let it happen, and then explained to her how she can try to resolve it.

Now, age 10, she has really become much more assertive, especially if something means a lot to her. (If she’s not too bothered, she doesn’t step up, but thats up to her)

Keep talking and explaining what is happening and how she can stand up for herself. It’s not an easy skill , but very worthwhile learning.

(I also don’t think all kids are being bad mannered btw, some kids are just v enthusiastic and are much quicker to spot opportunities for a place on trampoline/swing/toy. They don’t necessarily realise they are jumping the queue, and need to learn to watch out for the quieter ones, just as much as the other way around)

Be assertive and state facts.
"DD has been waiting a long time, it's her turn now."
"You can have a turn when DD is finished."
"DD isn't finished yet."
"You will need to wait in the queue for your turn."
"Stop."

Avoid saying things like
"That's not nice"
"That's pushing in"

I think at this age behaviour still needs modelling and if children aren't getting it right then it is lazy parenting. Call it what you want but the children are clearly not 'working it out between themselves', it's just a free for all.

Use you mum voice and give orders. “It is not your turn, you need to wait until DD has had a go.” A firm, low and fairly loud voice works. If it is obvious their parents aren’t watching and you know your Dd hasn’t got it yet you need to referee. I find I tend to have said it without thinking and in defence of any child... I can’t abide pushing. Once they are in school they all know what the rules SHOULD be! If your DD is anything like mine she’ll get better at standing her ground as she gets older!