To send my mother a letter

[MyParentsFailed]

I’ve Name Changed as this could be outing.

My mother was a failure, emotionally abusive and manipulative.

I have been seeing a counsellor and I’ve brushed over it all until now.

On his advice, I have written her a letter to tell her how I feel about things growing up and how things will have to be if we are to make an attempt at a relationship in the future... but it’s a very blunt letter.

I feel like I can’t move forwards with a relationship with her until I have laid everything she did out and held her accountable for her actions.

I think she will react violently to the letter and send an abusive reply though and I just don’t know if I’m strong enough to cope with that.

But at the same time I can’t cope with a relationship with her without saying everything I want to and Christmas is approaching fast!

WIBU to send her this letter?
I don’t know what else to do.

My own DD went on a Landmark course and in the interval people were recommended to phone anyone that had impacted negatively on their life and tell them exactly how it had made them feel. Afterwards a procession of people stood at the lectern saying how much better they felt having told their mother how awful she'd been etc.
My DD suggested I tell my DM all her faults and what an awful mother she'd been and was still. Surprisingly to us both, my instant reaction was that I'd never do that because it wouldn't change the past and as she was in her 60s and widowed why would I upset her when it certainly wouldn't make me feel any better.
I kept her at a distance as I always had and was relieved when she died. I deal with her behaviour by telling myself she did the best she could. She was a dreadful mother but I don't think she knew how to be any different.

Please don’t sent this letter.
My sister sent my DM a letter like this on her 70th birthday.

Nothing good came from it. Nothing good at all.

Also, I don’t know what she did wrong but she maybe...kept you alive, looked after you, fed you, housed you? Like I said, I don’t know what she did wrong but seriously my sister does not have any reason for going NC - she did it because she’s deeply unhappy with her own life. Please don’t do that, if this applies to you...

First of all, as an aside, the counsellor should not be telling you what to do. Although sadly I keep reading accounts on here about counsellors telling people to do stuff, this is not right.

Now that bee is out of my bonnet!

I agree with the following points that have already been made:
She is unlikely to accept blame and give you the apology and validation you desire. Of course it’s not impossible, but only you can know whether the risk is worth it.
If you feel like you might not be able to cope with her response, it might be unwise to send the letter. Have you worked through in counselling how you might deal with her possible responses?

Letter writing is therapeutic and can clarify things. You can try role playing therapy where the counsellor acts the part of your mother, and you tell them how you feel, and then you can switch roles.

But you know what. Remember you know the truth and you don’t need to prove anything to anyone, least of all your mother. Once you can be free of the need for her apology/acceptance of responsibility you will be free indeed.

My relationship with my mother ended 6 years ago when I asked for some time and space to recover following ill health and several stressful family events and she took offence, so spread lies and rumours to anyone who would listen. She was always texting and phoning me demanding to know where I’d been, who’d been round our house, etc, etc and I asked her to stop, to leave me in peace for a while.

She was the most toxic person in so many ways, but it took me 37 years to realise how much damage she was doing to me. I wrote a lengthy letter to her during the first year, but disposed of it when I realised absolutely nothing would change by sending it.

I have felt so much lighter emotionally since we parted ways, even with the intermittent guilt trips from friends and family members.

She has three older children from her first marriage, none of whom wanted anything to do with her. It just took me years to understand why.

The statement that will haunt me forever is her much used ‘I am your mother, I have a right to see you/speak to you/know what’s going on in your life’.

Protect yourself OP, do whatever you need to do to keep yourself safe emotionally. Good luck.

OP How would you feel if after sending a letter criticising your mother she replied to your letter stating everything you have ever done wrong in your entire life?
There is no-one who has never once put a foot wrong.

I sent mine a letter some years ago
Her response was on the lines of 'you are now dead to me'
Quite a relief actually 😊

I had a very similar mother. I wrote 'had' as I cut her out of my life 10 years ago and have never been happier.

Just before I went no contact I wrote a letter, or rather an email, with the reasons why.

And I sent it.

She never responded but it made me feel better to finally speak up to her. To let her know how I felt and how she'd hurt me.

That is not to say it's the right thing for you to do, but I felt I needed to tell her before cutting her off. Make her face what she'd done. As she'd always played the victim and made out as if nothing was wrong. I needed her to know that she could spin that tale to others and herself but that I knew the truth. And that she would never manipulate me again.

Do what you feel is right

Btw my mother physically and emotionally abused me. She would fly in a rage, drag me across the room by the hair, bite me, punch me etc. On maybe a weekly basis. So even if she had written back with a letter detailing all I had done wrong, like someone suggested to the OP above I think her actions towards a child would be fairly hard to justify... all I'm trying to say, don't be gaslighted into thinking what your mother did was justified OP, because you also 'put a foot wrong at some point'. Look after yourself.

I think most mothers, in general, do their best raising their children but they have such an impact in their lives that people tend to blame their mothers for their own flaws.
I think being introspective can help identify those flaws and change the inherited toxic patterns, maybe writing a letter or going to therapy helps but actually sending the letter to the person will probably cause just pain and will not solve your problems.

Rosieposierosie My sister also didn't think I should have cut my mother out of my life. Your sister may well have had her reasons and well... you do not get to decide whether or not she did.

Some parents are toxic. I'm sure some people go NC with family members for trivial reasons but I find it best to keep out and not to judge. A lot of people have no idea what happened between my mother and I and may judge me. They would do better minding their own business as they couldn't even begin to imagine the hell I went through at the hands of that monster. And still do (ptsd).

Don’t send it. I sent a sort of ‘cards on the table’ email to my own mother about four years ago, although mine was more along the lines of ‘these are the reasons why I never want to speak to you again’. Our relationship was past being salvaged anyway, so it wasn’t like her accepting responsibility for anything would have made a difference, but I suppose I wanted to have my say because I had spend 35 years letting her have hers.

She reacted very aggressively to the extent that I had to block her email and phone number. I haven’t spoken to her since then, she doesn’t know where I live or that I am married and have children. This is a happy ending for me though and I am glad the relationship is over.

Work on your anger and use writing as part of the catharsis but don’t expect anything you say to make a difference. It took a good couple of years for me to stop feeling anger towards her but now I am ambivalent really. I’m very lucky and happy in my own life though and that makes bitterness difficult! Give it time and you will feel a greater peace about it but expect nothing from someone who has given you nothing in the past.

I have an estranged daughter and I would very much love to have a letter from her outlining where I went wrong, if only to give her an outlet for her anger. I love my daughter but I let her down so badly during the course of my abusive relationship with her father that she has lived her adult life wishing that i don't exist.

We were each lied to and manipulated by family members who made financial gain by keeping her apart from me, and I was too trusting to see what was happening until it was too late. I wish every day that I could turn back the clock to make different choices, but i can't and I have to accept that my attempts to placate an abusive partner to "save" my marriage was at the expense of my daughter's security and well being.

How sad @t3rr3gl35 sorry to hear that. Your post should be prescribed reading for the many threads about abusive partners on here for those that stay "for the children"

He’s of the opinion that she will either reply aggressively which will end the relationship forever which I am prepared for (we have had no contact for 5 months except on my sons birthday and on her birthday) or she will accept what she has done and move forwards tentatively

SACK HIM.

He's fucking deluded or completely incompetent at dealing with abusive types.

People like your mother will deny, minimise and blame her way out of it and she won't see the error of her ways.

She will use that letter to show everyone what an ungrateful cow you are OP...after all we did for her blah blah...

Will done for facing up to this op. I've not read the whole thread, buy Just wanted to say that healing from emotional abuse starts with stating your truth. It's like a coming out.
You sound prepared to cut contact with her, and as it takes a huge amount of blinkered behaviour to be emotionally abusive to a child, that sound like a very good idea.

You are taking charge of your future.

[https://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3009327-But-we-took-you-to-Stately-Homes-survivors-of-dysfunctional-and-toxic-families Stately Homes]]

I agree with PPs - your counsellor is very optimistic about the outcomes from that letter. Put it this way: I bet that your whole life you've walked on eggshells trying to keep her happy, and how nice has she been? Not very. So the letter could provoke some really awful behaviour.

I think there are circumstances where it can be the right thing to do, but not the letter you wrote as part of therapy, that's too raw.

Stately Homes