DD1, Her dog and moving in .... AIBU

[Greenkit]

Back story..

I am married, have 3 children DD1(28), DD2 (21) and DS(19) and a husband. DS is living with us PT and also at his GF, DD2 has moved out with her BF very happy.

DD1 moved out when she was 17 to go in the army, married a serviceman and left the army after 7yrs, DD1 Son in Law and their dog (A collie/spaniel cross) moved in with us for 18months, so they could travel America for a month, and then save for their own house.

They found a house, bought it then a week later DD1 left son in law as she didn't love him any more and moved in with her work mate.

Fine so far......

I have three dogs which I chose because they are clean and we don't get a dog smell with them. I never wanted her dog to come to our house, but they moved in so had to happen.

Anyway DD1 has got into a few financial problems, spending beyond her means, I think to keep up with her work mates. I suggested she move in with us on a token rent to help her get back on her feet financially, DH has already paid off her credit card, which she is paying back to him.

We have just come back from a weeks holiday UK, which DH and I booked and invited her on, and she was awful, she brought some work with her, which is fine, but she wanted us to go out and not make noise. She was also grumpy and we found ourselves having to walk on egg shells around her as her moods were up and down.

She left early, in a huff

So I send her an email (it was easier than a showdown), basically saying I didn't want her to move in anymore as we are so different and it was clear on holiday that it would just be too stressful. I also look after her dog, which she shares with her xDH, but I have told her I don't want to anymore and they should find someone else by the end of Oct.

I have found her to be aloof and above her station since she started her new job, she has zero respect for me and picks me up on how a speak or do things...

So AIBU to say I just don't want her to move it, as she has thrown a big strop and deleted herself off our family whatsapp group.

I don't know, u want to stay friends with her ex... Weird tbh. You keep saying stuff like she's above her station etc. Sounds like your jealous of her.

Not at all Saoirse31, why would I be jealous of my own daughter, I don't however appreciate her looking down on me and picking me up on things I say or do, when previously it was ok.

I am proud of what she is doing, I am not proud of her behaviour.

Why is it weird to remain friends with my son in law, they are still married, we have known him nearly 10years, they have lived with us for 18months +, we see them nearly every day.

His family are all up north, he has football mates, but often goes out with my husband

DD1 Son in Law and their dog (A collie/spaniel cross) moved in with us for 18months, so they could travel America for a month, and then save for their own house

She sounds very entitled. She's lucky she has parents who are happy to help her but it doesn't sound like she actually places any value on that help

She's almost 30....when exactly is she going to learn to live within her means and take responsibility for her own fuck ups?
Given the recent history, paying off her credit card, offering to let her move back in etc is veering on the 'enabling' territory.
It's infantilising her and she's responding in kind with her rudeness and strops.

I'm sure she's capable of thinking/planning ahead and budgeting...so let her sort this out by herself.

Regards your son in law, i don't think there's anything wrong in maintaining a relationship/friendship with him.
Did he cheat on her or was he abusive?
If the answer is yes then i'd understand, but otherwise she's got no 'right' to demand anything

Thank you HeebieJeebies456

No he has done nothing wrong, he is lovely caring and would do anything for her. She has found a new job, new friends and now it seems a new man, he doesn't fit in with that anymore.

I think your right with the enabling, sometimes we just put up with her because she is so bloody stroppy when we say anything it easier to rolls eyes at her and move on....

Well im done with it all, she can strop all she likes

YANBU, OP.

There was a thread a few days ago from a woman who didn't want her 24 yo son to move back in (he had a job and was in a flat share).

Lots of women with young children declared 'my home will always be open to my child', rather naively. I wonder what they would say about this thread

Lol

TBF, our house is open to our kids should they need it, but it comes with a bit of respect for your parents rather than a 'you owe me' kind of way

Minerva when my children were young, I thought it was odd that the mother in the story Three Little Pigs said that the little pigs were too big to live with her. Now my children are late teens, I'm beginning to understand where she was coming from.

OP, YANBU

I got kicked out at 18 and struggled financially for years to have a hot meal at the end of the month because my parents claimed that it would teach me to look after myself. I always felt that I was too young and made too many mistakes. Reading these kind of threads give me a different persoective though. Your DD is 28 and you pay for her credit card spending and living costs so she can save? How is she going to learn to do it herself then? Stop helping her, she is an adult.

The dog is long fur and gets wet and muddy and smelly, she brings her in and I have to clear up the mud trail on the walls and kitchen cabinets. If I say anything I am just picking on her dog.

I think you are totally reasonable to say no to her moving in and no to her dog.

I do have to disagree with you about her ex though.

I split up with a long term boyfriend. We were in london and I moved away. I have family in london and they continued to include him in their social group etc.
It made me feel very unsupported and uncomfortable. In the end I asked them if they could please not invite him to stuff I was at. After this they gradually saw him less and less.
He was furious and told me I had broken his friendships etc. From my side though, he had not made his own friends, he had just become friends with my firends and family, and I was desperate for him to move on.

disappearing

steppemum Its very early days though and im sure over time we will see less of him as he moves on with his life. They have a house together which they bought a week before she told him he wanted to leave and the dog with they jointly look after (Or I was looking after while they were at work)

Like I said I am happy for family to come home if needed, one just moved out with her bf, but stayed till she was 21 and the youngest is still there he is 19, we had his GF and her young son live with us for just over a year as they didn't have any where to go.

I suggested eldest move in as I wanted to help her save, she is in a very good job £34k ish per year, where as im part time, husband is full time good wage we do ok.

She has lived beyond her means, trying to keep up with her work mates. Husband paid off her credit card £3000, but she is paying him back.

Not the point of the thread, but whippets definitely can smell a bit. I used to have one and I don't think she smelt too much (except her breath), but she did smell a little bit as most dogs do. My friend used to have loads of rescue whippets and her house did really pong. Not that she gave a shit.

Anyway, as you were.

Ps: whippets are just lovely - if I ever go mad and get another dog, that's what I'd get.

Generally just the toxic farts....but you don't get that 'wet dog' smell

Why can't she live in the house she owns? Is that where he lives?

Her husband lives there with a lodger as she didn't want to know, she moved in with her friend just round the corner from work. Which was better for her.

She has only put in £12000, husband put in £10000 he now pays all the bills and mortgage