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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

NBU but urgent advice needed please!

30 replies

DestinyofDisaster · 08/10/2017 12:50

Sorry I know this is probably not the right place but genuinely need urgent advice.

DD split with BF on Friday, he didnt live with her but did stay over quite often. There's a back story but basically he's controlling, there's previous aggressive and violent tendencies from him, he's been arrested for assaulting her a couple of months ago (drink related).

She took him back after previous issues and agreed to help him work through his drink problem and mental health issues but things have not improved, he went to one counselling session and said he doesn't need help and refuses to take anti-depressants prescribed for him. She's been very low over the past few weeks and has admitted she can't cope with his issues and she's afraid of him.

on Friday she had a good talk to him and explained her feelings, it didn't go down well with him but she believed after hours of him not accepting it he agreed he understood. He wouldn't leave that evening and said he would sleep on the sofa and leave Saturday morning. DD didn't want to escalate anything so went to bed and got up for work Saturday morning under the impression that he would be gone when she got home.

Sorry, trying not to ramble .... Situation now is that he went out drinking all day Saturday taking her back door key and went back to her house before she finished work, he's refusing to leave. DD and I have tried reasoning with him by telephone but he's not listening, he was drunk last night so wasn't going to get anywhere with him really. We called 101 for assistance but couldn't get through although we held for an hour and 40 minutes, as it got late DD stayed the night with us. He's messaged her to say hes not leaving but DD is at work until 5pm tonight, DH and I were meant to be going away this weekend for DH birthday but now can't go because of all this and I'm at my wits end not knowing what we can do. DH and I could go round and eject him forcibly but we don't want to make matters worse or end up on the wrong side of the law! Can anyone please advise?

OP posts:
Foslady · 08/10/2017 12:53

Police. He’s non resident refusing to leave and you are concerned for your daughters safety

SpiderWilly · 08/10/2017 12:54

If it's her house and his name isn't on the mortgage or rental agreement then chuck him out with all his stuff. He's controlling the full situation.

Pollydonia · 08/10/2017 12:55

Police, now.

LewisFan · 08/10/2017 12:56

Police. It's the only language he'll understand

Crunchymum · 08/10/2017 12:58

Any of his family members you can contact? A dad or brother who can come and assist. Otherwise then yes call the police.

Oldraver · 08/10/2017 12:58

Police and a locksmith. Locks are easy to change yourself but as it's Sunday you may not be able to get one in time..

I would definitely change locks to prevent any further access for him

RavenLG · 08/10/2017 13:08

Call the police!!! If it's her house and she doesn't want him there he's an intruder. That topped with the previous violence I'm sure the police will be around to take the thug away. Tell DD to change locks and if he continues to harass her to get a restraining order.

Allthewaves · 08/10/2017 13:11

Call police and get him out then change locks

HughLauriesStubble · 08/10/2017 13:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

eddielizzard · 08/10/2017 13:27

police and locksmith.

fairyofallthings · 08/10/2017 13:28

Yes, police and a locksmith. I hope she is OK.

Mummyoflittledragon · 08/10/2017 13:28

She’s afraid to go into her own home because of her violent ex trying to claim residency. He’s an intruder. Of course the police will eject him and perhaps even arrest him. I don’t understand why you waited this long.

expatinscotland · 08/10/2017 13:28

Call the police! Get the locks changed, too. She needs to have someone stay with her.

LouHotel · 08/10/2017 13:30

Police and quickly so he cant claim squatters rights.

I would also make it clear to the police about the abuse.

Mummyoflittledragon · 08/10/2017 13:31

Lou
Squatting in a residential building is now illegal so he can’t do this.

GirlcalledJames · 08/10/2017 13:33

If he knows or can find out where you and your husband live, be careful. There is a risk that he tries to hurt her there and won't mind hurting either of you.
Women in abusive relationships are in most danger after leaving.

Berthatydfil · 08/10/2017 13:36

Call the police tell them the situation.
Explain he is a lodger with no rights of residence (assuming he is of course) he is agressive when drunk the relationship is over and he is refusing to leave, your dd is frightened for her personal safety, she has temporarily left the flat/house hoping he would leave if his own accord but has failed to do so, and needs to get back in the flat for her possessions /to get ready for work etc.
You can tell them you and dd will be at her flat and ask if an officer can attend at a pre arranged time to witness him being asked to leave as you think there may be a breach of the peace.
Hopefully they will agree to send an officer .

ReanimatedSGB · 08/10/2017 13:39

The police will put him out. He is trespassing. Don't wait - the longer you leave this waste of oxygen in the house, the more opportunity he has to do damage. (If he has damaged anything, press charges.)

Original poster
DestinyofDisaster · 08/10/2017 13:40

Thank you all, been worried about calling 999 as I know police are already overstretched and although we may consider it to be an emergency to us there are people in far worse situations needing immediate assistance.

Sadly no family we can contact, his mother kicked him out, suffers from bi-polar and has her own issues. No brothers or sisters and he says his dad won't let him live with him. He's apparently give notice on the house he was sharing with a friend believing he could just move in with DD without discussing it.

My BIL is on call waiting notice to change locks as soon as we have access. DH and I don't feel like we can go away with everything that's happening, we were meant to book into our hotel yesterday and had an evening meal booked so already missed half of the break away.

DD is more than welcome to stay with us for as long as she wants but I know she just wants to get back into her own home and get an injunction against him.

OP posts:
BewareOfDragons · 08/10/2017 13:42

Call the police. He's trespassing and a threat to your DD.

That1950sMum · 08/10/2017 13:43

Your poor DD, what an awful situation. Definitely call the police. You need their help.

Mummyoflittledragon · 08/10/2017 13:44

That sounds awful fo him. But it isn’t your problem. Had he behaved more admirably toward your daughter, he may still be with her and actually moving in by agreement. Glad you’re contacting the police.

tinytemper66 · 08/10/2017 13:47

I would go to the property and get in by legal means (daughter’s key) and stay there. If he gets aggressive phone the police.

Justanothernameonthepage · 08/10/2017 13:52

Hopefully you've called the police by now. If they can't assist right now, can I suggest looking for a local bikers group and asking for an escort while you tell him to leave. Most bikers I know would be happy to assist as back up and it might scare him into leaving there & then, but also backing off if he gets the idea again.

Rachie1986 · 08/10/2017 13:53

Goodness. Yes call the police - not wasting time x