Should we tell the other parents

[Clueless2017]

I've changed my usual username and I've posted in AIBU for traffic. My ds2 turned 15 this week. As background because he got a bad report last term, we've not allowed him to go to sleepovers or parties until we see a general improvement in grades. Tonight one of the girls in his year had a party. He was invited but not allowed to go. We let him invite some friends for a sleepover in our house to compensate as it was his birthday weekend. Ds2 showed up at 7 with his mates. He was clearly stoned while his friends were not. This is the first time for him to come home like that. We quickly pulled him aside and he said his 'good' friend had been teasing him about not being allowed to the party so when he offered him a joint in the park he took it. I felt gutted partly because I knew this boy's sister's bf did drugs (from a PCSO friend). Because of this knowledge, I was a bit on edge about this friend. Now I am sure that they got the weed from the sister's bf, I want to tell the parents particularly as they encourage the local kids to hang out at their house. Dh says this is pointless but I think this is because ds2 is begging him not to and he is soft. I actually suspect more kids were smoking weed tonight and it was at this boy's house. Should I tell the parents?

Ask your local police community liaison team to come and have a word wth him.That would put a stop to it.Btw by "him" I mean your kid or the other one.

Not acceptable in any way. Either mention it to the parents or do nothing. Do not involve anyone else on hearsay.

I knew this boy's sister's bf did drugs (from a PCSO friend)

If anyone needs reporting it the PCSO

Agree with Normalservice. Completely unacceptable for a PCSO to breach confidentiality like that - shocking actually. Your child is going to come up across drugs, it's inevitable, and he's got to decided what to do about it. On this occasion he talked to you about it, presumably in confidence. You can tell the parents, but don't be surprised if your son never talks to you about anything again. I wouldn't risk completely ruining your relationship with your son - he's only a year off being able to leave home legally.

I wouldn't bring it up with the other child's mother, I think it will seem accusatory in tone when for all she knows your son might be 'the bad influence.'

By alienating your son with the punishment for his grades it seems you've pushed him into a smaller crowd who use drugs. A wider social circle offers diversity and more peer pressure for 'uncool' thoughts to be presented about low achieving stoners.

"if anyone needs reporting it's the PCSO"

I agree with this. They shouldn't be telling you stuff unless it's in the public domain. So I don't think you can say anything to this mother about her DDs boyfriend as it's all hearsay.

Would concentrate on your own child.

If people are paying attention to THEIR kids, they will smell weed and deal with it in their own ways.

If you go off telling others - your child will be the one avoided (the other parents will KNOW hes a pot-head - any other's involvement is heresay - you are confirming your child's!), your child will not tell you ANYTHING in future.

“It would be good for the other parents to know, but your priority at the moment is to protect your communication with your son. “

I’m afraid I agree with this. You have to prioritise your precious relationship and enable your DC to trust you. It doesn’t usually go well when parents tell other parents about their children’s behaviour. For all you know they may be aware already. Concentrate on your family dynamics.

I have brought up 5 DC to adulthood and in my experience intervention in another family ends in tears. I would only do it if someone’s child were in immediate danger.

I told another DM when her DD took a knife from my kitchen and locked herself in the bathroom with it. She was a friend and we cried together.

Another time a 15 year old came to our house almost unconsciously drunk and I looked after her and called parents immediately. But anything else looks like meddling and telling tales.

Also some parents deliberately bury their heads. One smug DM I know still believes her boys never touched drugs which is certainly untrue. Families are complicated and I think it’s best to let them work it out, except in extremis.

Do school have a drug awareness program? Kids can be referred here.

May be the way forward

I would not tell the other parents. Where does it end? Contacting other parents when spotting underage drinking, swearing?
Concentrate on your own DS. He doesn't sound like a master criminal, he's talking to you, and he seems good at accepting the consequences of his actions (his punishment for poor grades seems particularly lengthy!).

In his report has he got bad grades for achievement or bad grades for effort? If he's got high effort grades and low achievement then YABU to stop him going for that reason.

Stopping him going because people are smoking weed would be a different matter of course.

If these kids are smoking we'd telling this parent will in no way stop your son from accessing it. Dealers are like sharks and do not care if they sell to kids.

What you ought to do is educate your son on the risks of smoking weed etc

Believe me coming down on him like a ton of bricks won't work or stop him from smoking.

Ask what he gets out of it then go through the cons of smoking it.

Cost
Paranoia
Hunger
Weight gain
Criminality

Etc

I'd say something more general, like "I thought I'd let you know that I am on the warpath with DS2 at the moment because he came home stoned the other night. I thought I'd better give you the heads up because he says he wasn't the only one at it, whether that's true or not I don't know [because you don't actually] but I'd never forgive myself if I didn't pass this on and something more serious happened."

I like Balloon's advice actually. A general 'heads up' rather than a direct accusation, that way they will (hopefully) start paying a bit of attention.

At 15 you need to parent to your child differently to the way you parent a young child.You can't just punish them into thinking a certain way. a h TT hem

You can only deal in fact not make accusations

So you can say your son came home stoned. You can say he told you he got it off the other boy, you have no evidence if this is true. You can say no one else was stoned. The other boy will probably say your son bought if Off someone or brought it himself. His evidence will be he was the only one stoned.

Your son has motive to lie he wants you to feel shit about him not going to the party, he would rather someone else got the blame for supplying drugs than say he bought it off someone in the Park. The other boy has motive to lie also, a nd can say he never touched it, it was your son who acted alone. The fact he wasn’t stoned backs this up.

Either way the only fact that comes out of it is your 15 year old son was clearly stoned and no one else was. If the other kids were stoned I’d say tell. As they weren’t, I’d not say anything and deal with your son.

Gosh lots of comments while I was out! I'm not going to talk to the parents. Maybe that's a cop out but I think it will do nothing to benefit my ds and could lead to potential repercussions from the other boy which really is counter productive. The boy's parents do think their son is an angel and have form for blaming other people for their son's mistakes so most likely they'd blame ds. They also have hosted a couple of parties this summer where they've known 14 year olds were drinking. Sorry I'm not ok with that.
People think I'm harsh with the blanket ban on parties but his effort and achievement grades were poor. It's the only punishment levied and he's actually been doing well this term. There's a clear difference in his attitude.

I think you are doing the right thing OP. Just emphasise with your son that if there is ever a next time you won't react in the same way and ask him to give the family a wide berth.

If I was quite friendly with the other parents I wouldn't hesitate but it's hard when you don't know them very well isn't it? For all you know they may smoke weed themselves and view it along the lines of a couple of beers.

Ketamine seems to be getting very popular with teens at the moment and that would be a major worry. At lease Weed is pretty detectable - I can smell it at three paces!

I think that's the right choice OP, and I don't think the ban on parties is harsh at all. My teenagers know that if their studies suffer they need to devote more time to them. Good grades indicate that they are managing their studies effectively and can be given more flexibility with their time.

Good luck sorting it all out.

Maybe you could explain to your son that it is very babyish to allow himself to be goaded into doing something he doesn't want to do.

My dd has a strong character, that sometimes made it hard being her mother, but one of the spin-offs was that I knew she would only drink or take drugs because she wanted to, not to please someone else. So I made sure she was armed with the most reliable information about the pros and cons of every drug I knew of at the time.