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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wish I could stay up til 1am playing video games

50 replies

TenForward82 · 07/10/2017 10:46

... then saunter out of bed at 8.30am and decide to spend the morning doing DIY even though my wife has been looking after a poorly toddler all week and needs time to do her work, and then also shame my wife for having the TV on even though it's the only thing that keeps our toddler quiet for a while?

Asking for a friend.

OP posts:
Original poster
TenForward82 · 07/10/2017 11:41

He's back diying now. He's not lazy. I'm just default parent.

It's considered offensive because some twats think it refers to anal rape. Or gay sex. Who knows, they can't decide. It's about bums anyway so it must be something gay, right?

OP posts:
Santawontbelong · 07/10/2017 11:43

Offer to finish the diy and he can have dd. Bet the fucker has the Tv on.
Seriously confide in a relative in rl and make plans to split up. .

Tinkerbec · 07/10/2017 11:43

My ex was like that.
Dd hates going to his house now and she is 9. All his own fault but he won’t see it.

You either make him look after dd and talk about it or if there is nothing left then why stay?
Yes it’s hard but it’s such a relief to do your own thing without being judged and belittled.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 07/10/2017 11:48

butthurt is widely considered is a homophobic and transphobic term

Good Lord is it really? I always thought it referred to the after pain from a kick up the arse. I didn't realise it referred to being buggered up the bum. Well, I never.

OP - since I'm here - your DP is a prick (is that still an OK term to use or does it offend seamstresses? ).

Ploppie4 · 07/10/2017 11:53

He could have taken her to the DIY store. What’s his reason for not parenting his child

Cornettoninja · 07/10/2017 11:54

butthurt is widely considered is a homophobic and transphobic term.

Hmm is it? I'm very familiar with the term on the internet and have never seen it challenged before....and as proven internet people don't usually hold back....

OP, I sympathise with not wanting to leave your toddler for the sake of their feelings and this is something I'm working on myself. You have to bite the bullet though.

Your dp/h won't 'get' it till they've done it a fair bit of childcare and your toddler deserves to build that relationship with their dad.

I really empathise but you do need to step back and give him no choice but to step up. You'll feel better for it too.

FeelingAggrieved · 07/10/2017 11:54

bottlesandcans - Widely known? I've never known it to be offensive at all or ever heard it used as a homophobic slur and I'm included in the groups who you say it's offensive to...

Gemini69 · 07/10/2017 11:55

Never heard of that TERM either folks... I thought is was simply a pain in the ass... Hmm

Lady.. get out of there... Flowers

JemimaLovesHamble · 07/10/2017 11:56

bottles appears to think only gay men have arses...

brasty · 07/10/2017 11:57

You say the fall out is not worth it if you really stand up for yourself, and just walked out leaving him to look after your DC.
I would really question why you are in this relationship? What are you getting out of it?

gwhizz75 · 07/10/2017 12:01

Butthurt originates from spanking (as they would say in America). Or getting a smacked bum as we might say in the UK. It has nothing to do with homophobia or transphobia (wtf?!).

Even if it did originate from anal rape (which it doesn't), last time I checked both men and women, gay or straight can be victims of anal rape.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 07/10/2017 12:07

Even if it did originate from anal rape (which it doesn't), last time I checked both men and women, gay or straight can be victims of anal rape

I thought it was about stereotypes of homosexual sex being completely anal (so to speak) and somehow always painful and not what a real man would want (unless he was doing it to a woman)? At least this is what I have been told about why 'takes it up the arse' is homophobic.

ssd · 07/10/2017 12:10

theres nothing worse than some guy trying to patronise you whilst doing fuck all

ssd · 07/10/2017 12:10

stop talking about bums and give the op some support

HolgerDanske · 07/10/2017 12:13

FFS stop it with the '-phobic' everywhere.

I'm embarrassed to live in a world of such butt-hurt, sensitive over-grown toddlers who can't fucking cope with anything other than constant stroking and affirmation. Particularly when it's on a fucking forum where everyone is an adult and no one in the given verbal-only context is actually being victimised. Grow the fuck up.

ssd · 07/10/2017 12:14

well said Holger

HolgerDanske · 07/10/2017 12:15

Anyway.

OP. This sounds like such an awful situation. I can imagine it's quite soul destroying. Is there nothing that can be done to make steps toward a separation sooner rather than later? He will drain all the joy out of you.

Oldie2017 · 07/10/2017 12:16

I earned 10x my ex (am self employed). that tends to ensure they support your career! Plus I would never have tolerated even for one day any sexism (was never default childcare and dometic person) as went back to work quickly. Just say sorry no DIY today here is the toddler I will be working. Why can't you say that?

HolgerDanske · 07/10/2017 12:18

And I actually feel I've done toddlers a disservice there. Truly, WTF have we done that we've ended up in this ridiculous situation??

Sorry for derailing, OP. But I'm no longer willing to sit idly by and let this sort of idiocy continue. I'm going to challenge it every single time.

Anymajordude · 07/10/2017 12:28

Re: butt hurt. Don't you know bumsex is done by gay, straight, male, female, cis, trans. Maybe it's been too long since we had a Friday night bumsex at Centreparks thread. And the most butt hurt I've ever been was not from bum sex but from piles after child birth. Maybe I should be offended because my arse hurt once.

Sorry to derail OP. I feel for you. He sounds like a bully and a waste of space. The face your DC would be disappointed to have to spend time with him speaks volumes.

Original poster
TenForward82 · 07/10/2017 12:49

stop talking about bums and give the op some support

You guys are cheering me right up Grin

Thing is, I'm not been happy for a long time. We make progress in therapy, he does more, then I complain about something and he moans he can't do anything right. Well, I feel that way. Everything I do is wrong. He says he doesn't mean it like that and I'm a brilliant mum but all I hear is criticism. And no acknowledgement of the difficult week I've had. He got shitty cos I was "whinging" about a difficult project. I just feel so low.

And friends who I've said "if you need anything, let me know" are just brushing me off when I try and vent. Trying to break out of my negative view but it's just so hard.

OP posts:
MattAlbie · 07/10/2017 12:56

stop talking about bums

Never!!

TheNaze73 · 07/10/2017 12:57

Some people seem to try to go out of their way to be offended. Butthurt is a new one on me.

OP, could you not do the DIY & leave the child care to him?

Original poster
TenForward82 · 07/10/2017 13:11

@TheNaze I don't WANT to do the DIY, I want to do my work, which I haven't been able to do because DD has been home all week ill.

OP posts:
MattAlbie · 07/10/2017 16:48

Is this important DIY? Is it "I have to fix this otherwise none of us will survive November" or "I have to give this shed a fourth coat of paint otherwise I might have to interact with another person"?

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