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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be a bit miffed at my DH

50 replies

Smarshian · 07/10/2017 07:52

He works shifts. I'm on mat leave. We have set days when we give each other a lie in according to his shift pattern. Today is my set day.
Last night he went out after work. He had planned to go for a couple for someone's leaving do a while ago but had a promotion at work yesterday so decided to stay out for a few more (no problem). He spent more than planned and were trying to be a bit frugal until I go back to work I need December, but I'm not too bothered as he will be getting a pay rise so will be earning a bit more next month.
Anyway this morning our dd woke up at 7 which is a miracle (she's usually up at 6). He just lay in bed until I got up and then got up with me and just moped about. I've just sent him back to bed to sleep off his hangover.
Aibu to be a bit annoyed that he didn't even apologise or suggest that we swap a different day for this lie in? I'm extra exhausted at the moment as I'm 6 weeks pg and running round after dd all day (9months)

OP posts:

Maddiemademe · 07/10/2017 09:16

6 years gettin up at 4:30am without one lie in. You do realise this thread is making me very jealous!

Talk to him about it when he wakes up. Explain your first trimester is extra exhausting with an active baby to look after and you are entitled to swap days.

Kentnurse2015 · 07/10/2017 09:17

But getting up with a 9 month old and missing a lie in when on maternity is different from missing a lie in when you have been at work all week and pregnant. It's a one off. Just forget about it (tell him you're annoyed, rearrange and move on) Or life will get very tricky once you have 2 of them!

Witsender · 07/10/2017 09:20

Just because some people don't have lie ins doesn't mean they are some odd concept. 😂

We have always taken it in turns, he ahs Saturday (asleep now) and I get Sundays. It was more important when the kids were waking at 0530 every day, but even now they wake at 7ish it is nice to have one day where we get to sprawl on our own. Normally we cap it at 9am, but the kids and I are happy so are leaving him to it for a bit. Likewise I'm heavily pregnant so he tends to leave me to wake up in my own time.

user1497787065 · 07/10/2017 09:29

Your child slept until 7am. Do you not consider that you have had a lie in?

Witsender · 07/10/2017 09:32

Surely that depends on what normally counts as a lie in in their arrangements, and how much she was awake in the night?

Original poster

Smarshian · 07/10/2017 09:34

Yes I'm very grateful she slept til 7 but this is not the norm. My point was HE had a lie in on his day. So he should be grateful for that. And yes it's more about the fact I need to request a swap instead or him offering.
Can you please explain what is easier about getting up at 6am everyday and looking after a 9 month old for 13 hours alone than going to work I'm at a loss!

OP posts:

YellowMakesMeSmile · 07/10/2017 09:35

It all seems a bit petty, he went out to celebrate his promotion. Does it really matter you missed a lie in? Just nap when the baby does.

I'd find it very controlling to be told I owed a day for daring to soend my own money to celebrate an achievement in my career.

YellowMakesMeSmile · 07/10/2017 09:38

Being at home with a child/chidren is always going to be easier than going to work. It's not a job, there's no boss, no deadlines, no customers, no performance management etc and no actual work.

Original poster

Smarshian · 07/10/2017 09:40

We consider all money shared. We have a joint account ONLY. This is fair as we earn similar amounts (obviously I'm on less while on mat leave).
Yes it matters. I'm exhausted 😩. I've not shouted at him or anything but I'm just annoyed as I woke up when he got in and couldn't sleep for 2 hours either.

OP posts:

Original poster

Smarshian · 07/10/2017 09:40

Do you have children yellow?

OP posts:

Scoobydoobydont · 07/10/2017 09:43

If he only got in late last night why do you know what he spent? Please say you didn’t ask him how many pennies he spent on a night out celebrating a (presumably) well earned promotion at work!

Uptheduffy · 07/10/2017 09:44

Yellow odfod. Are you a man by any chance? (Or a handmaiden?)
OP not wrong to be annoyed but you must expect he’d want to lie in if he was drinking. So you say “well you’ve had today so I’m having my lie in on...” Do NOT wait for him to offer, just lay out how it is going to be. Sleep deprivation is a killer and it’s lovely to sleep knowing someone else is responsible for your baby (which doesn’t happen if you nap when he naps, you are still listening for cries).

Original poster

Smarshian · 07/10/2017 09:44

We have a joint account. I can see how much he spent. I'm not that bothered about the money tbh. More the expectation that I will pick up his agreed wake up.

OP posts:

DaisiesAndCompasses · 07/10/2017 09:46

Yes it matters. I'm exhausted

I get that; and really the lie in situation should have been sorted out in advance if he was going out last night; but you do have opportunities to sleep today - you’d just prefer to stick to your plans and see your friends. Which is absolutely your prerogative and I’d probably do the same, but it means you can’t really complain that he’s taken away your opportunity to sleep. You have others if you need them.

Definitely refine the agreement so nobody is getting up after a night out; and I’d expect him to pull more than his weight later when he’s slept off his hangover; but I wouldn’t be angry with him.

Uptheduffy · 07/10/2017 09:47

COuldnt he stay up for an hour or two after his night shift and let you sleep, or do the times not work? Then you don’t have to wait till Tuesday.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 07/10/2017 09:50

Because obviously it's easier to be making a baby inside of you and looking after a baby all day (13 long hours) than it is to go to an office, sit at a desk & drink tea all day.

SAHM's are just lazy moaners.

🤣 For some reason, on MN, being a SAHP brings out the worst in some other people. Don't let it bother you.

He owes you Tuesday's lie in, without a doubt and he's was very selfish not to check that was ok before he got too hammered to cope with today. Yes he got a promotion (fab!) but he's a father of 1 & husband of a pregnant wife, he needs to act like an adult. It's not on to drink more than you can cope with unless you make sure your wife doesn't mind missing out on sleep she needs.

However, I'd try to put it to one side & enjoy the day and if you are out with friends all day maybe arrange a nice dinner for tonight to celebrate his promotion. Then I'd casually say 'I'm SO shattered, I can't wait for my lie in on Tuesday'. IF he dares to suggest it's 'his' day I'll have the spade ready.

Have a nice time with your friends.

Looneytune253 · 07/10/2017 10:13

@Smarshian I am a childminder so get myself up at 6am every day and have 3+ little ones running around all day plus my own 2 to get ready for school etc. I don’t think for a second that staying at home is harder for me than my husband who needs to get up at 5am. It’s all about rigid routine. My children are older so will stay in bed till 7.30/8am on a weekend and that’s enough of a lie in for us. I’d rather that than have petty resentments about which of us deserve a lie in the most. Staying at home is defo the easiest option (even when I have unsettled babies here).

Original poster

Smarshian · 07/10/2017 10:17

Well I'm glad you feel that way @looneytunes253 but having done the going to work and the being at home I really don't think that one is easier than the other. They have different challenges but sometimes you just need a break. Yes it would be lovely for me to have 2 lie ins a week until 7.30/8. I don't get that unless my husband does his fair share of get ups.

OP posts:

Scoobydoobydont · 07/10/2017 10:37

We have a joint account. I can see how much he spent. I'm not that bothered about the money tbh. More the expectation that I will pick up his agreed wake up.

The fact that you know what he spent less than 12 hours after he got home would suggest different and if I had someone checking every penny I spent on a night out I would find that a much bigger deal than the odd lie in to be honest, but then everyone is different.

existentialmoment · 07/10/2017 10:39

He lay in bed until you got up and got up with you? Then why didn't you either not get up at all, and tell him to, or get straight back in when he got up?
Sounds more like you cost yourself your lie in!

Appuskidu · 07/10/2017 10:45

Were you checking what he spent online then?!

Why didn't you just tell him to get up when it was his turn? Why did you get up?

Kentnurse2015 · 07/10/2017 11:30

I'm saying getting up at 6am and dealing with a small child all day while pregnant is better than getting up at 6am and dealing with a child all day and then working until 2/3am while pregnant. I'm not bashing SAHMs but you have to make the most of what you have!

If you are upset at the loss of an agreed lie in now then you had better prepare yourself when number 2 arrives. Life doesn't always go to plan. Just ask for another lie in if it matters so much!

I just don't get the drama!

Danceswithwarthogs · 07/10/2017 11:50

Totally get the disappointment when you were looking forward to some thing and it doesn't work out how you expected... maybe wait till he surfaces, be pleasant, ask about how his night and broach the fact you're feeling wiped out (early pregnancy itself is gruelling) can you have the next lie in opportunity?

I work 2 long days a week with 2 kids, busy/stressful job, on my feet all day.... but some days a day at home with mardy toddler is worse (depending on the day!?) So I do sympathise.

Having 2 so close together is going to be intense while they're small. I'd keep communicating with dh about how you're feeling/coping and where you need more help... but try not to keep score of small things otherwise it can get a petty and resentful in your relationship. And you will both be tired for some time to come

Myheartbelongsto · 07/10/2017 12:05

Just swap days.

I had 3 under two. When I had my second my first was 10 months old and I can tell you your lie ins will become a distant memory.

Uptheduffy · 07/10/2017 12:16

Why on earth should they? You can still take turns with your partner when you have two. Such a lot of competitive martyrdom on this thread.
Please don’t ask your dp for the next lie in, just say when you’ll be having it. Fair doesn’t only apply to people with penises.

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