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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be fed up with friend complaining

25 replies

InspMorse · 06/10/2017 22:28

I'm beginning to phase her out of my life (well, thinking about it) but need MN a different perspective to make sure I'm not being a compete cow...

I've known 'friend' for 14 years. Her husband left her 10 years ago when her DC were very young. She was very unhappy and went through a terrible time. Her parents, sister & extended family live very close by and she has a lot of practical and financial help from them all.
My own relationship has had some massive lows over the years but I don't talk about stuff & I often hide my feelings. I always try to get on with it and when I can't, I hide away for a while. I have NO family close by and don't get help from anyone practically or financially.

Now here's the thing. Friend has always used me as an example as someone who 'has it all' - DH, job, nice home - I'm SOOOO lucky apparently and she 'wishes her life was as easy as mine'. She is constantly asking for favours - pick up her DC, have them overnight whilst she goes on dates with various men.... When I'm not 'helping out', her parents/sister are.

I am sick of it.
She is forever suggesting that compared to her life as a single parent, my life is a breeze. Little does she know.

I can't believe I'm being dragged into comparing who has it harder.
I want to tell her that she's a spoilt brat and that she hasn't a clue about me AND that because she hasn't a clue, she should STFUp.

What do I do?

OP posts:

GreenTulips · 06/10/2017 22:32

I'd agree! Life with a husband and kids home and a job are hardly a breeze! Things happen/things go wrong!

She sounds like she's sonnusy talking she's not listening!

Become less available and move on, there's better people out there

Butterymuffin · 06/10/2017 22:35

Yep, become much less available and when she goes on about how much easier you have it, suddenly remember you have to go somewhere. Don't bother having it out with her, people like this never see that anything they do is unjustified. Just stop her taking advantage of you in future.

Original poster

InspMorse · 06/10/2017 22:37

GreenTulips
I think you're right. She's had so much sympathy from others over the years and yes, it's all about her. I honestly don't think she knows the first thing about my life. She doesn't ask or listen.
I'm going to move on.

OP posts:

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 06/10/2017 22:38

Do you think before you trim her you can have a drunken night and blurt this out to her

She might get it ? Really she might need a shake

Original poster

InspMorse · 06/10/2017 22:40

Buttery I'm not going to have it out with her. It will be a new thing for her to complain about. Being 'unavailable' would work.

OP posts:

SleightOfMind · 06/10/2017 22:41

DDs friend's mum is just like this and I've kept a distance from day one as I couldn't trust myself to be as nice as you OP.
It's a shame, whenever DD wants me to ask her (very sweet) DC to play, I brace myself for the inevitable, 'Can their siblings come too?' 'Sounds fun. Can I come over, I'm bored?' Followed by a week's worth of requests to ferry her DC to school.
I also get a massive moan about her mother not helping out 24/7. Mine lives 5mins away but is completely non maternal and gritted her teeth through my childhood.

I just ignore until it fades away. Life's too short and I don't actually want to be a bitch to her.

Original poster

InspMorse · 06/10/2017 22:45

stop I know what you're saying but I don't know if she would get it. She had a horrible time when her DH left and she is now a professional 'victim' - I think she is used to people looking after her.

OP posts:

Original poster

InspMorse · 06/10/2017 22:47

Sleight I don't want to hurt her either. I do want her to go away though!!!

OP posts:

WeeMadArthur · 06/10/2017 23:03

You will probably find that when you are less available to help her out that she drifts off to find someone else who will. Problem solved!

craftsy · 06/10/2017 23:17

that she hasn't a clue about me

But if you choose not to tell her about your problems and continue to allow her to only see a perfect facade of your life htf do you expect her to know your life isn't great? Seriously, if she was your friend, why not let her know the real you and your real issues? It's hardly her fault for not knowing things aren't good in your life if you don't want to let her know you properly.

I get not wanting to tell everyone what your life is really like. (My husband and I have been separated for years but I still don't tell that to everyone.) But I don't get being mad at someone for not knowing your issues when you make a choice to not let them know.

HouseworkIsAPain · 06/10/2017 23:21

I thought the same as Craftsy. It sounds like you haven’t shared your down times with her, so perhaps she does genuinely think you have a very happy life with your DP and that you don’t really have any troubles?

TheSockGoblin · 06/10/2017 23:27

I don't think YABU for being pissed off, but I do think you're unreasonable for expecting her to know you've had hard times if you never show it and hide how you feel. How is she supposed to have known you're cross or you've had shit times if you have never confided that to her?

Yes, it sounds like she's been hard work but also she may not realise how she's been coming across - sometimes we get stuck into moaning or being negative and don't understand how that affects others, until a friend - a good friend - points it out.

You say you're just going to drop her and not tell her and I think it would be better to try and at least explain yourself first and why you feel cross.

After 14 years of friendship, I'd think that was fair, rather than just phasing her out without explaining why. Then at least she has a chance to address her behaviour.

KeepServingTheDrinks · 06/10/2017 23:29

Phew. I thought the same as Craftsy and Housework as well. You're under no obligation to tell her anything you don't want to, of course, but I don't agree that you're reasonable to keep things from her and then feel angry because she's made some incorrect assumptions based on what she's seen.

Ghost her, by all means if she's not a good thing in your life. I'm not disagreeing with you about that part of your post. You don't HAVE to have anyone in your life that you don't want to.

But like the two posters above, I think you're a bit harsh to blame for for not being telepathic!

RavenclawRealist · 06/10/2017 23:30

I agree with crafsty too I’m afraid she maybe a user but you have chosen to not tell her about your life you can’t be mad that she doesn’t know! Friendship may well of run it’s course but it’s not entirely her fault

GreenTulips · 06/10/2017 23:39

you make a choice to not let them know.

Not actually true. Today I needed some help. DD rushed to hospital and my car wouldn't start so I knocked a friends door to see if they had jump leads.... she didn't but went on and on about her cold. I said 'must rush I'll walk to the garage for leads' no offer of a lift ...

Some people are just so wrapped up in themselves they have no idea how to even consider others ...

Anyway car sorted and DD is fine (thanks for asking)?

Fattychan123 · 06/10/2017 23:48

Omg honestly just get rid of her

This happened to me. Always one sided conversations about her negative life.

If I did even bother to talk about my problems it's always oh dear then back to more about her and her life

It was such a relief when I just blocked her and stopped contact.

Fattychan123 · 06/10/2017 23:50

And I get why you haven't tried to tell her. Friends are supposed to ask about your life if they don't why would you want to tell them.

Howlongtilldinner · 07/10/2017 00:02

If she knows very little about your life then she’s just an acquaintance OP. If you speak about your problems and she still continues the same way, then yes, you need to distance yourself.

You are very very lucky if you have a friend/friends who are truly there for you.

KeepServingTheDrinks · 07/10/2017 00:13

GreenTulips are you the OP with a name-change-fail? If not, then you know the comments aren't directed at you, right???

emmyrose2000 · 07/10/2017 00:37

Urgh. Professional victims are the worst. They have such a sense of entitlement and are so self centred. They never do anything to help themselves (or anyone else).

Life's too short to put up with that sort of crap. Just stop helping her, or being available, full stop. She'll soon find someone else to leech off. Her type always does.

InspMorse · 07/10/2017 08:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

InspMorse · 07/10/2017 08:05

keepservingthedrinks - You're under no obligation to tell her anything you don't want to, of course, but I don't agree that you're reasonable to keep things from her and then feel angry because she's made some incorrect assumptions based on what she's seen.

I wondered this too but when I think about it I realise that our conversation is a dialogue of her life. Obviously I have tried to share in the past but she wrapped up in her own grief and sharing my tales of woe weren't really part of our conversation.
If I'm unhappy nowadays (obviously years later) she doesn't really believe me or take it seriously. She reminds me that I am so much better off than her and then it's back to her story!!

I'm just fed up of the one sided friendship. It's like the world is there to prop her up but she doesn't have to reciprocate in any way.
I've lost my sympathy for her and after years of believing she was badly wronged by her X husband (who upped & left one day) I'm starting to see why he did it!

That's a horrible thought isn't it?

OP posts:

dunraven · 07/10/2017 08:48

I would see her less, stop initiating contact and generally, be less available. I’m considering doing the same to a similar sounding friend and I’m generally a direct person but I wouldn’t tell her why - it’s too unkind, she’s not a bad person. An anxious personality just gets dragged down and lurches from trauma to trauma (in her mind). My friend has done it continuously for the last few years and I just find all the negativity too much now and I simply don’t enjoy our get together anymore when it’s all about her ‘troubles.’ My friend’s anxieties seem to centre around hypochondria - I’m afraid that I just feel worn out by it all just listening to her.

Original poster

InspMorse · 07/10/2017 08:59

dunraven
I'm going to do the same. It'll be interesting to see what happens.

My friend isn't a bad person either.

I think that she has created an identity for herself as the victim, the needy one, the one who needs looking after & propping up.

She's selfish and thoughtless and takes from everyone but I don't want to stick the knife in!

I just don't want to be around her as much.

OP posts:

GreenTulips · 07/10/2017 09:09

GreenTulips are you the OP with a name-change-fail?

I'm not the OP and no idea what you mean!

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