Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Am I being an unreasonable bitch?

44 replies

Happyhappyveggie · 06/10/2017 21:17

Long story but the short version is that 5 months ago DH decided he wanted to change jobs as the one he was in was stressful/ nights. Fair enough. But the new job he took was £1000 a month less and at the time I voiced strong concerns, asked how he was going to make up the difference in our budget etc. He ignored all of it- and now 5 months down the line we are financially broken and it's caused no end of problems. I'm really angry and really worried- I can, luckily, return to full time work in my job and it's well paid - it will be a couple of months before I can do it.
But the whole thing is a nightmare-- DH has taken no responsibility at all for the decision and the predicament we find ourselves in now. We have gone from being pretty ok to being barely able to afford food and its totally because of his job. I think he's been selfish/ unreasonable/ has put our family life at risk and has worried our children as they overheard a row and my 9 year old said he was scared. FFS. It makes me even madder that my children feel insecure too.
I feel like it's come down to me to sort the mess out- I might even have to ask my parents to lend me money to get through the next month or two. DH will take no responsibility and says that I am putting him under pressure and I am an unreasonable bitch (hence the title) - Aibu to be fuming at the position he has put us in? I feel like leaving but at the moment I can't because of the financial crisis he has caused

OP posts:

Mumof56 · 06/10/2017 22:14

It's a temporary situation until you return to full time work.

ReanimatedSGB · 06/10/2017 22:14

Oh FFS, poor you, OP. Yet another entitled manchild who puts himself first and won't compromise, no matter how hard it makes things for his family. I bet he's also still making sure he's got money to spend on treats for himself, too, because his mental health is so much more important than yours.

Slarti · 06/10/2017 22:16

I don't think you are necessarily BU as it's a big change to your budget and he doesn't seem to be 'in the team' so to speak at the moment.

That said I remember when my wife suddenly quit her job due to stress. My first reaction was a mixture of panic at how we would cope and anger at this unilateral decision which essentially dropped us in it. After the initial shock though I was able to think about things properly and realise that she (and by extension I) had to put her health first and I had to support her decision. When I reflected on my knee jerk reaction I felt quite guilty because it was based on money and convenience rather than my wife's wellbeing and happiness. In hindsight it was apparent she was on the verge of a breakdown but at the time it was hard to see through the panic and anger.

I'm not saying it's the same for you. Maybe your DH is being a dick and just isn't living up to his responsibilities, but if he's been really unhappy and his current job remedies that, maybe it's possible to rebudget and put the wellbeing and happiness of you both above money.

Sorry if that's too wishy washy I know that's not always practical but looking back it was the right decision for us and I've come to think nobody should have to soldier on being miserable if they can get by on less and be happier.

Allthewaves · 06/10/2017 22:21

Why did he leave? Surely he had to be utterly miserable to take that much of a pay cut?

CherriesInTheSnow · 06/10/2017 22:30

There are lots of different things to comment on but other posters have picked up on that - the only thing I can add is make sure that before you decide on increasing to FT that the extra £500 is actually an extra £500 and won't fall into a black hole of increased work associated costs and wraparound care for the children if you aren't there to pick them up and drop them off.

existentialmoment · 06/10/2017 22:35

Why did he leave? Surely he had to be utterly miserable to take that much of a pay cut?

Or he just didn't want to do that job anymore. Who knows?

Winebottle · 06/10/2017 22:42

I think it depends completely on how the decision was reached.

In our marriage we make big decisions collectively and that means we are both responsible for them. Just because you raised concerns and opposed it, doesn't mean you didn't agree to it. Even if you were like, it will ruin us financially but it is your job so you decide, that is agreeing too. I don't think it is then reasonable after things haven't worked out and blame him for everything. Its no good feeling so strongly about it after the decision has been made. You are collectively responsible.

If, on the other hand, you didn't explicitly or implicitly agree and he came home one day having quit, I would be furious. It affects the whole family and he shouldn't make those decisions on his own.

In any case, it is done now and the "I told you so" attitude is not going to get you anywhere. It is natural to direct your anger at him but you should be both focusing on how to improve your situation rather than dwelling on the past.

geekone · 06/10/2017 22:48

YABU your husbands health and wellbeing is more important than money. You all now need to live within your means people lose their jobs and are made redundant daily and manage. If this was reversed and you had changed jobs through stress and the unhealthiness of nightshift and your husband was shouting at you in front of the kids and blaming you for all of the money woes everyone on here would be calling him an arsehole!!

Escapepeas · 06/10/2017 22:48

Reading between the lines, I wonder if the OP’s DH was struggling a bit more than she has let on. Few people would willingly take a pay cut of £1000 per month for no reason.

existentialmoment · 06/10/2017 22:49

YABU your husbands health and wellbeing is more important than money

Er what? His need for a little less stress is more important than providing for his children? Not to any decent parent it isn't

geekone · 06/10/2017 23:22

He is providing for his children and I bet more or the same as the op will be once back to full time. He just isn't earning what the op wants. If this was me I would just make sure we all Lived within our means I doubt if the salary he is on now is minimum wage. I would rather have a happy healthy DH than a Stressed ill one or no DH at all.

SpiritedLondon · 06/10/2017 23:57

well even if the decision to leave the job was the correct one it does not mean that the OP' s DH doesn't have responsibility to work out how they are now going to manage financially. Has he been through the expenditure to identify savings? has he got a spreadsheet going to ensure spending is recorded, has he sold anything to raise some money? How does he foresee Christmas being paid for. It's all very well for the OP to return to work full-time but what contribution Is the DH actually going to make to help resolve these problems. I don't see there being much of a partnership here.

Witsender · 07/10/2017 08:38

Yanbu OP. Being stressed out doesn't remove obligations, it just doesn't. That's not to say he shouldn't have been able to change, but he ought to be playing an active role to try and solve the problem, not just sort himself out and dump the rest on you. How can that be in any way fair? As is so often the case, the initial problem is the lesser one here, the bigger one for me would be his attitude.

nigelsbigface · 07/10/2017 08:50

If his job was making him ill then absolutely the right thing to leave.
What isn't right is then not contributing to planning and managing a new and reduced budget... because then the other partner, the op in this case, has to take on that stress and it becomes swings and round abouts and a competition about who is more miserable...

Is he responsive to discussion about this op? Calm and reasoned discussion about budget and what extra help he will need to do i.e. With childcare to enable you to work full time? It can't all be on you...
And if he is so unwell that he can't offer to help with that-then how is he going to get treatment, what is he going to do about how he's feeling?

Tealdeal747 · 07/10/2017 09:00

Did he make any suggestions about downsizing?

He can't cut his Jon and expect the same house/lifestyle!

MinervaSaidThat · 07/10/2017 09:05

OP, how will he support you when you go full time?

He needs to step up with child care, school pickup/drop off, housework and cooking.

Don't give him a free pass on all that.

Nancy91 · 07/10/2017 09:18

I think it's a bit unfair to expect him to stay in a job where he is miserable. I've seen someone commit suicide because of work stress, it can take over your life. You'll need to cut back on your outgoings, but you'd have needed to do that if he had been unexpectedly made redundant or got sick.

Witsender · 07/10/2017 09:22

She's not expecting him to stay in the job, obviously as she supported him leaving it. But is, quite rightly, thinking that he should be shouldering some of the responsibility of thinking of how to rectify the resulting financial situation.

QuiteLikely5 · 07/10/2017 09:32

I can understand your anger but surely tmfor posters to make an informed choice we need to know WHY he left

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread