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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect a (senior) colleague to say 'please' and/or 'thank-you'?

51 replies

fadingfast · 06/10/2017 15:36

For context, I don't report to this colleague. He has asked me to help with something that is strictly speaking beyond my remit but won't take long. I'm happy to help out colleagues, junior or senior when I can and most of them have the courtesy to manage a please/thank you when they email me. I'm honestly not expecting effusive gratitude for everything but this particular manager seems to think he is too important to bother with even basic manners. Or am I expecting too much?

OP posts:
zippydoodaar · 06/10/2017 23:31

Highly likely he is a 'red' personality type:-

www.pdx.edu/sites/www.pdx.edu.studentaffairs/files/Colors%20-%20Strengths%20and%20Weaknesses.pdf

So more interested in getting results than keeping staff happy. They don't realise how they come across or care.

I was a PA for a long time and this is usually the 'type' I worked for. Struggled with it for a long time until I did a personality workshop at work and it all fell into place.

Communicate directly and to the point. Don't expect a please and thank you. Yes, it is shit but they are as equally irritated by staff waffling on and making tea for the whole office as the people who are irritated by their inability to say please and thank you.

Not condoning the behaviour. Have just got a bit hardened to it all.

zippydoodaar · 06/10/2017 23:37

Just mirror his behaviour. Don't say please and thank you.

With people like this, I give them short sentences and one word answers on email. Don't even add my name on the bottom. Grin

liminality · 06/10/2017 23:47

Oh lordy. In day-to-day life sure, manners are great. In a fast paced work environment, I expect my colleagues to understand that we are a team and respond fluently and quickly to requests. I love and support my team, when someone holds up service by insisting I say 'please' I find it incredible, it breaks flow and presumes that their minor upset is more important than the hundreds of waiting customers! Outside of service times I am effusive with manners and praise, in service we get the job done. Those of you who are harping on in a huff because of a lack of mannered words obviously don't have enough to do.

ethelfleda · 07/10/2017 05:46

^^ get over yourself!!

lalalalyra · 07/10/2017 06:15

There's no need for a lack of manners. Unless the sentence you are speaking is "You stem the blood, I'll give the CPR" then you have just as much time to say "Can you do x and y please" as you do saying "Can you do x and y", especially via email.

elfinpre · 07/10/2017 06:21

Emails are sent by busy people in a rush

If you want something done urgently, don't send an email. If I am also busy and have my head down working, I might not read your email for hours.

elfinpre · 07/10/2017 06:23

In other words, a psychopath, zippy. I try to avoid working with them.

Pluckedpencil · 07/10/2017 06:36

my email signature finishes with 'thanks', 'my name', which I rarely have to adjust. Maybe send out a 'how to guide' to him on how to add a generic signature like that so there is no excuse next time as it takes literally no time to type don't waste your time he will just hate you Grin

scrumpymummy · 07/10/2017 06:48

I was in a similar position with a manager of another team & senior to me...his requests were blunt & rude both in email & F2F. He was also asking me to help with work that wasn't my remit / area so after a while of it pissing me off I replied ...well as you asked so nicely!! ...then gave the info he was after. That seemed to work- he apologised & was far more civil to deal with afterwards!

Original poster
fadingfast · 07/10/2017 07:32

Zippy that's exactly him. We all did a personality profiling exercise once (can't remember exactly which one) and we were complete opposite 'types'.
I know I should just let it wash over me but his email has coincided with a period of particularly busy and highly stressful work for me, and when he can't even manage a please (bearing in mind he's expecting me to do him a favour) it really grates.
As you suggest Zippy I will probably respond in kind, but I doubt he will even notice! Complete lack of self awareness.

OP posts:
HeteronormativeHaybales · 07/10/2017 07:56

I'd do the work, and I wouldn't pull the person up on it (as much as I would love to*), but the lack of manners would be noted, and I wouldn't be busting a gut to help this person in the future.

*I actually believe it is the height of bad manners to make others feel comfortable about their manners. It unfortunately doesn't stop me from muttering after cyclists who whizz (illegally) by me and dc on the pavement after having rung us out of the way 'thank you very much, you're welcome' Blush

HeteronormativeHaybales · 07/10/2017 07:56

Gah. UNcomfortable. FFS.

chestylarue52 · 07/10/2017 07:56

I adjust my own communication style with people (men) like this

Him:

Chesty,

Here's x and y, I need the results by Friday

B. Ellend

Me:

B,

X is missing a and b and you haven't provided c. Providing all is correct and complete by the end of the day I can return it to you next week.

Chesty.

zippydoodaar · 07/10/2017 08:00

Psychopath is about right!

I worked for a very well known entrepreneur many moons ago. It was always a bit of a conversation stopper and people thought it must have been amazing. Truth of the matter is, he was an absolutely rude twunt with absolutely no concern for me. My work life balance was abysmal. He couldn't have cared less. He just wanted the job done.

What I learned over many years is that you really cannot change people. You can't even influence them. The best way to deal with them is to respond in their language. I can't tell you how many times I have come back from holiday and been greeted with, "Zippy, can you get me that report we did for blah blah blah" to then find it and not even get an acknowledgement because he's then on a conf call. There's no, "Hi Zippy, how are you? Did you have a nice holiday? Would you be able to get me that report for blah blah blah when you get a moment, please?"

When I asked the workshop trainer who was the best person to work for this type of boss he said me! The boss ruffles a lot of feathers and someone like me is very good at going around smoothing them down and softening his requests.

Seriously, I spent years agonising over this and accepting it for what it is has been the best approach for me. Very difficult to understand if you have had limited exposure to arrogant 'Alan Sugar types'.

fairyofallthings · 07/10/2017 08:00

People should always say please and thank you when giving a verbal request - it's irrelevant who is senior to who as it's basic good manners. Not doing it is rude.

Increasinglymiddleaged · 07/10/2017 08:06

englishrose but your "standards" are detrimental to the company performance. How is that a good thing?

Er no, managers being impolite pisses staff off. This will negatively impact on their motivation and therefore company performance.

Yanbu at all OP. There used to be lots of people like this where I work, they were slowly culled down. Perhaps that will happen to him too in the end. His seniority is irrelevant ime (unless he actually owns the company that is)

Increasinglymiddleaged · 07/10/2017 08:09

If you want something done urgently, don't send an email. If I am also busy and have my head down working, I might not read your email for hours.

Agree, we use IM if it's urgent not email.

mehimthem · 07/10/2017 08:11

I work in a shared office space & one day (ages ago) our boss phoned my colleague (C) & said pretty much - "(C) - come here, now ...". He was/is well known for this type of request but on this day he didnt say please so C hung up the phone, laughed away, & then carried on working. 5 or so mins later, boss arrives in our room & says -quite gruffly - something about why she hasnt gone to see him - You didnt say please!!

Most of the time he remembers but its not a bad thing to remind him (well any manager/boss actually) regardless of his seniority that manners cost nothing.

Queenmortificado · 07/10/2017 09:22

Just astounded by some of these responses. Refusing to do work for your manager or calling them out on manners is unbelievably rude itself

I can only assume that those who do this just don't have busy jobs. Requests can be perfectly polite without actually saying please.

plantsitter · 07/10/2017 09:30

Right, but I think the point is that this one wasn't.

All you can do is respond in kind. chestylarue52 style.

worridmum · 07/10/2017 09:47

I had a partner (in a law firm not romantic) she would never say or thank you to anyone but demanded it herself as she was the boss.....

She hated it when i loudly pulled her up on in front of people (yes emberssing her was wrong but she didnt take heed in private and it was negitivly effect moral.

She started to please can you do rather than do x now and i want y done and on my desk by z

Glitteryfrog · 07/10/2017 09:53

I wouldn't necessarily mind if there wasn't a please or thank you in the email.
But I'd be miffed if I didn't get a thank you after.

I spend a lot of time asking people to do stuff for me... but I'm not very senior.
I have to ask nicely and influence and say thank you afterwards.

ThePinkOcelot · 07/10/2017 09:57

Ignorant twat! You could have just put "you're welcome" on the bottom of you reply! I usually say this when I've held the door for someone and they just waltz through!x

RaindropsAndSparkles · 07/10/2017 10:09

I respond politely and do what's asked because It's my job to do if and I'm paid to do my job. Also, I don't necessarily see a correlation between good managers and colleagues who are fundamentally kind and those who say please and thank you because they've swallowed the etiquette book.

Asking nicely with a smile doesn't necessarily need a please and thank you. Recognition comes in many forms and bullying/harassment is about treating some people less well than others. This is very hard when people aren't performing.

The only time I ever responded was when a fellow trader snapped his fingers at me for something "do you want fries with your order John" we both laughed.

Increasinglymiddleaged · 07/10/2017 14:12

Just astounded by some of these responses. Refusing to do work for your manager or calling them out on manners is unbelievably rude itself

Confused You should treat everyone equally, whether they are a 'manager' or not. MN for a site so 'left wing' is extraordinarily hierarchical in many ways. I find it really really odd.

And yes when things are busy then someone may forget or be brusque but it's when people are consistently rude and up their own arses that its wrong. Including if they are the CEO and the person they are speaking to is the cleaner.