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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to feel hurt by this social decision

31 replies

WhatHo · 06/10/2017 10:46

Oh I am far to old for this shite and I'm sure I need to be told to get a grip.
I have a good friend who tells me all the time how close we are, how important I am to her etc etc. She's a honey and I really do count her as one of my great friends. It's her birthday this weekend, and she invited me and 3 other friends to lunch today. We've chipped in to buy her an expensive necklace. I was a bit surprised by the make up as it didn't include people who I know are her really close friends.
One of those came up to me today and said that she was looking forward to seeing me on Saturday night. She was really embarrassed when I said I knew nothing about it.
The women having lunch today are very nice, one is a good friend, the rest are the 'cool gang'. So while I guess it's nice an all, I would much rather be having an uproarious evening with S's real friends than a formal lunch with people she'd like to impress.
For full disclosure this friend is recently divorced so this is all women. I don't really have a right to get upset about who she invites when... but I am. I really am.

OP posts:

SloeSloeQuickQuickGin · 06/10/2017 10:48

is it possible your 'Honey' friend hasn't done the organising?

MaidofHulaHoopz · 06/10/2017 10:49

Can you ask her about it? Ask her what her weekend plans are and see how she reacts.

MrsOverTheRoad · 06/10/2017 10:50

I think you're being oversensitive I'm afraid. I have friends like this and I have friends who I'd invite to one event but not another. It's normal...especially for adults.

BlueSapp · 06/10/2017 10:54

Maybe she’s intending to mention Saturday night at the lunch

Original poster

WhatHo · 06/10/2017 10:55

sloe - possibly, but I doubt it.
maid I could. I'm tempted.
Mrs - why do you segregate your friends? Are they all cool with it? I'm asking without prejudice as I also think I'm being oversensitive, but I'm more mix it up socially and I don't really get it.

OP posts:

gandalf456 · 06/10/2017 10:57

If she's close, can't you ask why you're not invited?

Original poster

WhatHo · 06/10/2017 10:59

gandalf I guess because I don;t want to look like a special snowflake. Though clearly that's the way I feel.

OP posts:

Saucery · 06/10/2017 11:00

I had a friend who did this. I was on the side of not being invited and inadvertently blurting out an evening social event which caused an unbelievable amount of hassle for her at the school gates (well, for her DH, who was doing the drop off and had a group of irate Mum Friends quizzing him about it).
I found it odd, but she really meant no malice by it, it was just how she liked to arrange her social life so everyone got a 'turn'. Imo she was a it too concerned about how her friends might 'mix'. I'm much more of a Come One, Come All socialiser but I never took it personally,

strawberrisc · 06/10/2017 11:03

I have a large group of close friends and sometimes I'll go out with all, sometimes a few and sometimes they do things together such as evenings in town, which I hate.

SendintheArdwolves · 06/10/2017 11:05

I'd be upset too. And I don't think I'd be able to just brush it off - silly as it sounds, what of it's a mistake/oversight/someone else did the guestlist/email went astray etc? Then you miss out on the party, your friend is miffed, the friendship suffers, but no one says anything.

I would just casually ask your friend what she is doing that evening. She will either lie and say "nothing" or look at you like you're an idiot and say "the party, remember?"

TinklyLittleLaugh · 06/10/2017 11:07

Is Saturday a single ladies on the town kind of night?

notacooldad · 06/10/2017 11:09

I think you're being oversensitive I'm afraid. I have friends like this and I have friends who I'd invite to one event but not another. It's normal...especially for adults.
This!!
I have friends that I invite to somethings but not others.
My friends have different friendship groups. My close friend of 36 years is on holiday with another set of their friends. We are going away with someone else next year.

Same with nights out! Sometimes the friendship groups do cross over but I have some friends who have never met each other.
My sons are the same with their friends.
I wouldn't say it is a personal slight against you.

BellaNoche · 06/10/2017 11:17

I would be upset too. Never would dream of segregating friends myself on a one day event like that.
Hoping there is some confusion.... but if it is right then I would not be impressed with my "friend". Don't like all this inner and outer circle shit.
I do not do it and neither do my friends.
( unless they are keeping it all very quiet???? hmmm)

Garlicansapphire · 06/10/2017 11:18

Is it possible its not a deliberate selection policy at all? I'm a bit random about remembering who I invited to what and I gather this caused questions once - I just didnt remember who I'd included in a late night tipsy email!

Given we cant all be invited to everything I'd let it go.

RedSkyAtNight · 06/10/2017 11:21

IS the evening event not your thing?

In my main friendship group there is a subset of friends that like going clubbing, the others don't. So the friends that like clubbing organize it amongst themselves and don't mention to the others - not as a slight, but because they think they won't be interested.

MrsOverTheRoad · 06/10/2017 11:23

OP to answer your question as to why I segregate friends, it's because some of them are so very different to others that I enjoy them for different reasons. I don't think they'd all mesh either...some wouldn't have as good a night if I had ALL of them together.

LewisThere · 06/10/2017 11:27

Butbthe OP said that she knows the people who are going out on the Saturday. So much so that it's one of them who told her about it assuming she would be there....

So it's not a question of her 'not fitting in' with the Saturday bunch.

MrsOverTheRoad · 06/10/2017 11:31

Lewis well my friends know one another too...well some do. Doesn't mean I have to invite them ALL to everything!

BearsDontDigOnDancing · 06/10/2017 11:32

See, I have different groups of friends, and other than my wedding, they have never all been invited to the same thing.

I have a close group of friends from a place I worked at years ago, and we meet for coffee often. Then I have another group of friends from a different work place, and again we meet often.

And I have what I would consider my closest best friends. The ones I have known for nearly 20 years, who I know will be friends when we are all 80. And in actual fact we probably meet up the least, as we have all moved around or away a bit.

But I never organise anything with them all. They are different groups, and I love them all, but they do not know each other outside of the friendship groups.

As I know they also have other friends that they socialise with and would and it would never occur to them to invite me along. I am not within that group.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 06/10/2017 11:33

I don't think it's necessarily an inner and outer circle type thing; for me it's more a venn diagram type thing. I have friends in a few different groups. So do my friends and so do my kids. Not everyone has to come to everything.

And I must admit I'm a bit apprehensive about my wedding next year when everyone will meet.

BelleandBeast · 06/10/2017 11:33

Maybe if she is having a lunch with some new friends, she'd like you to get to know them too? And inviting you to both is too much?

TinklyLittleLaugh · 06/10/2017 11:35

Basically cross posted with Bears

BlueSapp · 06/10/2017 11:37

These don't seem to be differnet groups of friends though, if one of "honey's" closest friends assumed you'd be there, they clearly know each other all of them.

I think its most likey she has just made a mistake rather tan a deliberate leaving you out OP

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 06/10/2017 11:54

I don't think it's necessarily an inner and outer circle type thing; for me it's more a venn diagram type thing.

^ Yes, I'm kind of like this. I have different groups of friends who are interested in different things and just mix 'em up depending on who is available when and whatever it is we're planning to do.

Also don't forget that she invited you out to lunch, so it's not like she doesn't want to see you. Just go and wish her a happy birthday..

The80sweregreat · 06/10/2017 12:17

I would ask her - she might not realise your not coming to the evening do! its so hard if you know lots of people - i'm 'the more the merrier ' type of person, but friend dynamics are odd with some people and some do segregate.

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