My DP is looking over my shoulder every step?help!

[kiwidad1]

This is my first post, I am a first-time dad and I want to get involved more closely with our son. My DP is exhausted but won't let me help much.

From when he was born if I tried to take him for a while there were always reasons why I couldn't, or if I got up at night to soothe him it would be a minute or two before DP would insist on taking over. I have never had a day by myself with him, he is 1 yr now. When I do have time with him it's fine unless he grizzles or cries and then I'm told how I do things wrong. Tonight I bathed and fed him and put him into bed (I had to be firm to get this chance). He was happy and laughing, had his bottle and I put him down, he had been crying for a couple of minutes while I sat outside his door when my DP came up and said I didn't know how to look after him. It really was no different than most nights, he doesn't like going to bed and will cry for 5-10 minutes then sleep, but it was me in charge tonight.

I'm missing out on a lot and want to be involved more, unless I really insist then I am excluded from mealtimes, bath, putting him down, getting up for him in the night. I think maybe it's because DP can't bear to hear him crying, he does cry sometimes when I am looking after him but isn't this normal?

If there is any advice I'd love to hear it.

Yes it is normal, and being protective is normal but belittling your efforts is not and you should talk to her about it.

Ermh, not really sure about what to say, I think it is fantastic that you want to be more involved, maybe it would be about geting your DP to trust more on you.

I know I got obsesed about DS's crying when DH was taking care of him but... in all honesty, my DH could have him crying on his lap for 5 minutes while he was doing something in the computer WITHOUT realising the baby was crying (how did he manage that, I would never know) so... is there any possibility that something like this is happening?

Ditto Carmenere, try and approach the subject sensitively but firmly - suggest dp treats herself to a few hours out shopping etc so she can't watch over you and build it up from there.

Good luck

Have you considered taking her out for the day to somewhere where she can get a massage (so she's chilled out) while you take the baby for a walk.

It is absolutely normal for mums to be obsessively paranoid about their babies - if you spent many hours pushing a human out of your fanjo after carrying it round for nine months, you'd be the same

But....you need to be involved and the way to achieve this is to say: 'show me, then watch me, when you feel confident I'm doing it okay, leave me to it for a bit and have a kip.

Honestly, my DH did this and brought me a cuppa in bed and said 'stay there, I'll take her for a half hour', the next day he took her for 45 minutes, then an hour.

Also don't right off time when the three of you do things. That's important too!

I think she needs to relax when I became a mom for the first time I was so worried about everything being done just right I was to overprotective probably still am ,

she is worried about her child but I think she needs to hear from you how much you want to be involved and how close you want to be to your child

would she let you take him out somewhere

To be a bit flippant - but the best thing you could do is get her knocked up again ASAP, she'll be considerably less precious about number 2 !

Liath

She's right though!

yes ditto liath especially if she feels rough when preg......will be begging you to get more involved!

Ooh, we're evil !

i can be a tiny bit like this when i'm stressed i think the world will collapse if i'm not in charge and as a sahm this is my 'job' so i think [when i'm stressed] that it needs to be me that does it. i really think you need to lay it out and give her a day at a spa - a whole day for you to enjoy your lo and she can relax and maybe realise it won't all go to hell without her!

I remember being a little bit like this when DD was born (she's 6 now BTW and we have a DS who is almost 4). If DH did things differently from the way I did it I would watch, correct etc and he would get really quite upset about it. So I can sympathise with your DP because it can be hard.

Having said that, she needs to let you do this. It might be easier if there are times where you could look after him when she's not around. Maybe convince her schedule a weekly yoga class or gym or spa session or something where she gets to relax and look after herself for a couple of hours and you get to be with your DS without her looking over your shoulder. It's a win-win situation really. And once a few weeks go by and she realises you've not drowned him in the bath, fed him the dog's food for dinner or put him to bed on the porch she might start to relax a little. Of course if she gets too used to it you may be sorry!

Thanks for all the comments, it's good to know it's normal and there are some good ideas I'm going to try. I am able to handle him crying for a bit and maybe DP sees this as not caring enough. I'd love try for another one - great idea, think I'll be happier when we work more as a team with one first!