To ask for help to decide whether to stay or move countries?

[shinny]

Hello

I have a country dilemma and hope you can help me see sense. Ive made so many pros / cons lists but still am going back and forth.

We are a family of 5 living in Far East for 2 years. 3 DC - eldest is doing GCSEr, middle Yr 9 and youngest in primary. Eldest is not happy here due to small school, limited social scene, various other teen moans.Middle child is very easy going and doing well academically. Never keen on change but can be persuaded and generally makes the best of things. Youngest is ok but the school is small and many kids are naughty and disruptive.

We were planning to return to UK next summer without DH but he would visit us whenever poss. DH has now said he can't bear it. He has to stay here for at least 3 more years and doesn't want us so far away.

Id not really considered remaining here for another 2 years (after this year) as had always expected to return to UK. However now we need to find a compromise.

I have settled well but cons are: limited social life, rent is high and appalling value for money; schools aren't that great given high cost; pollution. Pros: cosmopolitan, safe city with great sports and kids have a lot of freedom. I appreciate good value and the school is not providing that as whilst results are good, the facilities are under par and kids are really pushed. Im not delighted with the primary.

After DH dropped the bombshell that UK wasn't an option Ive started thinking that maybe we should remain here TOGETHER as a family and just look for other schooling options at least for eldest. Its always been our priority to stay together but now I wonder if education should be the priority?

Another option is to return to UAE where we spent 5 years prior to coming here. School is known to us and great. DH would travel to see us in all holidays and about a week a month too. Socially its better for me and eldest for sure. Middle child would probably prefer to remain here (but doesn't express strong opinions either way) but youngest would love to return.

So remain here and stay together as a family in under par, overpriced schools (and housing) with one unhappy DC and not great social scene OR return to UAE where all DC would be generally happy, value for money is better, school is great but DH not there all the time.

I think my eldest is desperate to leave here and I dont want that to shape our future. We've had several discussions about how where we are now has many positives and therefore the reasons to leave must be strong and valid.

Boarding school is not an option either. Its something that we have considered but is not right for us.

I am going round and round in circles and would appreciate some input from others in similar situations. I avidly read the Living Overseas boards for other peoples experiences.

Many thanks if you've read this far! Ive tried to be deliberately vague as dont want to out myself.

If you've offered your eldest boarding in the UK as a genuine available option which you'd support (rather than with a side order of emotional blackmail not to go) then that is totally different, and makes it far less selfish to tell them they'll have to make the best of staying together where your DH's work is.

Making an older teen stay where they are unhappy to meet their parents' emotional needs is utterly selfish, but that doesn't mean that they get to dictate where the whole family live.

Offering a genuine choice of UK boarding or making the best of wherever the family live is pretty much the best compromise.

If dc1 has had a choice to live elsewhere and declined then ignore the complaints and remind them the boarding option remains on the table until whatever cut off date for getting them in for sixth form.

If you’re in the Far East, would schools in Australia or NZ be an option if the UK is too far? Although if eldest DS is not keen then it won’t help I guess.

What kind of places could DH get a job?

It may be that what your eldest is craving is the kind of "normal" experience he'll be seeing in films and series and stuff, I know I did. Are you living in Singapore/Hong Kong?

If I were you, me personally I would be looking to move the entire family to somewhere more westernised. Australia, NZ, Canada, America etc. That way you would improve your social scene and kids could have good education whilst getting some smarts. Its true I really noticed at uni the kids who had come directly from the "gilded" expat world in ME or Asia, they may have had a good education but tbh I'm not sure it really prepares for dealing with your peers and a "normal" western life (obviously personality comes into this).

When I was at Symonds there were kids from Hong Kong there. As I said the Falkland Islands kids go there, and you really can't get much further away than that in terms of difficulty of travel!!

How does the current school do in terms of UK university entry? What options are available for A level? Part of the reason we sent ds in 2012-14, was that his international school was very limited in the A level offering, and the subject blocking meant he could only do one A level that he really wanted to do. Symonds is dedicated and expert A level teaching over a wide range of subjects; they are involved in the Oxbridge outreach programmes and have excellent guidance for universities. Ds got into his first choice.

I was at a boarding school too and there were kids from the Caymon islands, Hong Kong, lots from the UAE.

My personal opinion is that unless there is no choice it should be the child's decision.

At 16 if you can afford the boarding fees (and already pay fees for international day school anyway) the boarding school option should be on offer to a teen unhappy with where there family live.

However as long as the teen is the one deciding not to go, rather than the family not allowing them because they would miss them, I don't think the teen should be pushed out of the nest.

OP says:

I think my eldest is desperate to leave here and I dont want that to shape our future. Boarding school is not an option either. Its something that we have considered but is not right for us

I think that at 16 all that matters in the boarding school decision is whether it is right for the teen. There is no us. A teen has no responsibility to meet their parent's need to keep the family all in one geographical location.

However if the teen has the choice and wants to stay with the family, then they have to compromise like everyone else. They should absolutely get a choice over their own personal circumstances where realistic, but not to reject out of hand the two options (stay where you are or go to state boarding school) available and demand 4 other people up sticks and move countries.

Can I ask why you don't want to send the eldest to board? That was my immediate thought up until you said that it wasn't sonething that you were considering.

*their

boarding school evidently did nothing for my spelling :o

Mainly IB schools here.

Not really planned on DC doing IB as it seems so much harder plus less recognized / understood in UK unis. Of course that may change.

UK uni entry is fine in both places.

Just spoke to a friend who said to perhaps consider what me and DH want to do and put DC at lower end of food chain. A different way to look at things I suppose.

I don't want to start again in a new country which is why UAE appeals to me as a compromise and stepping stone to UK.

OP I would have gone back to the UK last year so that the DC would be entitled to home uni fees. I know lots of expats who travel a lot but that is their cut off point.

Anyway I think your dh is being selfish. Unless he is forces and can't actually leave his job then he should man up and let you move to UAE where he can see you every month. It sounds as if your DC have limited educational pathways where you are now. That would be an absolute deal breaker for me.

Just wanted to say how lovely you sound Shinny. it is easy for posters to lay down the law about their considered priorities. You sound as if you are anxious to keep everyone happy and you have a strong sense of family unity. They are all lucky to have you trying to make it work for everyone.
Reading between the lines, UAE seems your preferred option with everyone coming out of that option with something. So go for that option. You know your family best and your instincts are probably right.
Good Luck

True about teens moaning a lot!

I have much food for thought. Will revisit UK boarding option again with eldest - thanks a lot for those points which have really focused me.

DH is not being selfish - he's happy for us to go to UAE and supportive of what is right for family. He doesn't think me taking the 3 DC to UK and being without him for most of the time is in our best interests and I do agree with him having spent a lot of time considering it.

MAny thanks

Is it actually possible to move back to the UAE unless you get a job there and can act as a sponsor for the DC?

Just skipping forward to the end of the contract. Where will the kids be then in school? Mid or end of 2 year courses?
Personally, UAE seems to be the worst of both worlds- not with DH, but also, given the transient nature of the middle east, who do you actuslkly know there? Will it not be starting all over again anyway?

Not a decision I envy you making.

Sorry- I missed where you addressed that already

Mrs Muddle - many thanks, very kind words.

In 2 years time, eldest will be off to uni, middle doing A levels and youngest still in primary. Timing is good but we have to focus on 2 year chunks to take exams into account.

Boarding school is not a preferred option - eldest is not keen. Just had a chat about it. I am now being careful with my emotional needs which is wise advice.

UAE wont be starting over at all - still got a good base of friends there plus it would only be for 2 years. I feel that it offers a good opportunity as to move eldest to a new school here means starting over for the sake of 2 years, before another restart for uni. Returning to UAE is far more familiar.

Am beginning to feel that youngest is getting a raw deal when I compare UAE school to current school.

Im moving towards a UAE move I must say.

Just to reiterate, Symonds is not a boarding school. It's a state sixth form with two small boarding houses. Most of ds's mates were non boarders and his social life took off no end once there. There are house parents who will keep an eye, and let parents know how things are going, but they are not treated like kids at boarding school. They have a good degree of autonomy.