To wonder what is wrong with me for being so attracted to power?

[Namechangedtooembarassing]

Namechanged for this but I am a regular on Mumsnet. I am relatively young (28 yo), reasonably attractive and painfully aware of how cliche this sounds.

I was wondering if I am the only person who is so terribly attracted to powerful men. I find power absolutely irresistible. I keep getting involved with men who are considerably older than me and very senior/ powerful in their careers. Think about your stereotypical 45+ years old successful man, attractive and well-dressed, with a fancy bachelor pad and a sports car: that is the kind of man I keep crushing on. God, just typing this makes me feel so shallow!!

Unfortunately, the powerful men I met and dated so far were also massive self-centred dickheads. Such relationships regularly end really badly and I really should have learned my lesson by now. I know I should look for an equal partner with whom I can build a balanced relationship. However, I just can't help but feeling attracted to this type of men and I am starting to despair.

It is not a matter of marrying a rich man, since I am not really interested in settling down at the moment. Moreover, I have a wealthy background myself and a good career so I don't need any man to "look after me" financially.

Am I the only stupid woman out there who keep getting herself in these stupid situations? Anyone else who has any experience of this? Any tips on how I can "wean" myself off powerful men and hopefully find an equal partner?

If you're not interested in settling down with someone at the moment then what's so wrong with being attracted to these men, shagging them for a bit and then moving on when they turn out to be arseholes?

What I mean is, if you start to think yourself ready for a long-term relationship then you'd obviously want to find an equal partner to have a balance relationship with but, for the minute, if you're having fun then why beat yourself up about it?

When I was younger I was attracted to bad boys. I mean really bad boys. They were nearly always arseholes but I had fun and the sex was great so I just carried on.

FarmerGilesRockfordFiles

I don't want to get married and have a family right now, but I'd still love to date someone nice with whom I can build a meaningful relationship.

With these men I seem to end up getting hurt every time

OP, what's your father like and how is/was your relationship with him? Electra complex perhaps?

I was very similar to you and couldn't understand why as I had/have little of a relationship with my father but he is a very dictatorial man who grew up under the Hitler Youth era, so his extremely strict rules and air of authority were my comfort level. I couldn't respect kind, nice men and tended to walk all over them.

So I think the problem isn't you being attracted to these powerful men per se, the problem is that you let yourself get too into them and get hurt. It seems like you need to distance yourself a bit, keep it as casual sex and that's it.

However, you're locating the problem as yours. Maybe the question shouldn't be what's wrong with me being attracted to power, getting treated badly and hurt every time but rather what's wrong with these men having a relationship with a much younger, much less powerful woman, treated her badly and hurting her every time

I know exactly what you mean, I used to be the same. I'm now engaged to a fabulous guy who is very much my equal in everything.

If I'm honest... I got tired. I was tired of being the Carrie to a guy's Big, tired of going along with it to discover they were actually bastards (because generally, to get to that position of power, you have to be - I know there are exceptions).

I think you just have to get to a point where you're so fucked off with being the unequal partner, so bored of idolizing someone, that you go out into the world with no preconceptions. And then you meet a guy, who's so interested in you, and your life, and your thoughts/dreams/etc. And then you wonder why you wasted your time on idiots for so long

I have always been attracted to long haired, tattooed, pierced bad boys, generally with a drug or alcohol habit and criminal record for theft or dealing

DH is a nerdy goody two shoes. I remember when I got together with him that I made a conscious decision to make it work with a good boy and give up bad boys forever. 20+ years later and I'm still happy with my nerdy goody two shoes, enjoying the peace and quiet, free from drama and visits from the police

I still find bad boys catch my eye, but I find a part of my brain just screams NOOOOO!

Like PP said, sooner or later you just get fucked off with being treated like shit.

45 plus, successful and rich? I think the word missing here may be "married".

existentialmoment

Not married at all, proper bachelors in fact. I am sure of that (stayed at their place overnight frequently).

One might argue that in fact that is the first red flag that should make me run for the hills (aka why would you be 45+, successful, rich and single with no DC?)

I'm with Lobster. What's your dad like and have you worked out your issues there?

Or 45, rich, powerful, living in a bachelor pad...which is actually the week day flat as he pops home to the Cotswolds at the weekend. To the wife and 3 dc. Maybe?

Finola

Nope not the case, trust me! The issue with these men is that they are dickheads, not that they are married!

OP, what's your father like and how is/was your relationship with him? Electra complex perhaps?

Yes I thought about this. My dad is a hugely successful man, but very honest and family-oriented. No flashy cars or bachelor pads, just a nice smart man who has done very well for himself professionally.

He was a bit of an absent father because of how demanding his career was, but I really can't say our relationship was troubled or traumatic for me in any way. He has always loved me dearly!

Does this sound like potential breeding ground for daddy issues?

OP I know many men in the category you describe who have made multi- millions and they are all married. Possibly one or two recently divorced after a 10-25 year marriages. With regard to the men you have dated, the fact that they are 45 and not married tells you all you need to know.

There are many men your age who will become successful, they just haven't had time yet! You could try looking for certain characteristics like drive and ambition in men closer to your age? By 45, men (and women) are often quite set in their ways, but if you meet an ambitious man in his early 30s, you can share the ride with him maybe?

I think it's pretty normal for young women to be attracted to men with power - or else I have a lot of atypical friends! But power isn't a good substitute for integrity, as you've discovered. If you decide you want an equal partnership you can certainly find one, and attraction comes in many forms. Attraction to a certain physique, or a certain sense of humour, or an approach to life can be just as intense as an attraction to power. Sometimes attraction takes time. Most of my friends who liked powerful men or bad boys in their 20s ended up with decent men later on. Maybe it's just something you need to get out of your system!

Me! I married a 'powerful' wealthy man 16 years older than me (I'm 1 year older than you).

I have:
-Daddy issues due to absent father for most of my life
-a narcissistic mother who was incapable of love

So I choose men who were older and could take care of me. My therapist says I seek out "dependent" relationships. Nothing wrong with that of course because I'm happy and I love my DH loads and he's my absolute soulmate and DH is happy he has a hot young thing on his arm (at the most basic superficial level), but he's definitely a "type".

I know PP have asked about your father but what about the relationship with your mother?

What you have to remember is that these "powerful" businessmen aren't really that powerful. Even if they're above middle-management, the only power they have is over their employees. As soon as they walk out of the office they're just a middle aged man with a good job.

For example, a CEO of a Fortune 500 company is treated like a godlike worship within the company, but to everyone else they're just a well-off, smartphone addicted nobody who happens to send a lot of emails. If someone bumped into them at the pub 99.999% of people probably wouldn't have a clue who they are.

It's pretty much a given that you are going to end up the injured party in these 'relationships', so you may want to look into why you think this is all you're worth.

For example, a CEO of a Fortune 500 company is treated like a godlike worship within the company, but to everyone else they're just a well-off, smartphone addicted nobody who happens to send a lot of emails. If someone bumped into them at the pub 99.999% of people probably wouldn't have a clue who they are.

Indeed, I have been very partial to the charm of powerful men within my company. I work for a very big multinational company with a relaxed attitude towards employees dating each other (as long as they are not in the same line of work).

Hopefully this is not too outing, but I dated the COO of another division of my company for a few months last year: a disaster. Now I developed a stupid crush for someone just a senior within a different division. It is a never-ending silly cycle!!

It's pretty much a given that you are going to end up the injured party in these 'relationships', so you may want to look into why you think this is all you're worth.

Yeah right, it sounds so messed up

Do you think you might be submissive and attracted to those you perceive as dominant? Because you might find a decent dominant bloke who is more your equal on other levels.