just had enough

[sosickofallofit]

I really have just reached the end of my tether with everything.

I feel like shit. I have done for weeks. I have some ongoing health issues. Nothing major. I need an op to sort it out but I'm too fat and can't discipline myself to lose weight. Plus I only get a weeks sick pay so I can't afford to take time off now, saving it for the op.

My job is shit. I'm overloaded with work yet no one notices. I am stuck in a horrendous open plan office with 150 other people. O have to exchange pleasantries and banal chit chat all fucking day long and I hate it. None of them have any idea about me or my life, no one does.

I have this year had to support my partner through a court case. I couldn't tell people because they would judge. Even now it's resolved I still can't tell anyone because people will think no smoke without fire etc.

I love my partner but supporting him through this has been horrendous. He has lots of health issues too, is often in terrible pain. His mental state is pretty poor. He has long term depression and daily suicidal thoughts for as long as he can remember. He's never made an attempt though and therefore doesn't see any benefit to counseling. But now I know it's yet another burden on me, though i know he didn't mean it to be.

I'm just on my knees. My GP offered me citalopram as I seem 'low' (no shit) but said it won't actually change anything just stop me feeling upset about it. So that seems pretty pointless.

I feel like I'm caught in a really bad treadmill where everything is one load of crap after another. Hearing other peoples mundane shit which frankly I couldn't care less about. No one gives a fuck about my problems after all.

OP I feel overwhelmed just reading your posts (((((hug)))))

A few things - I fucking hate chit chat too. An open plan office with people talking to me all day is my personal hell. It sounds as if this is getting you down in a big way - can you work towards a job where you spend more time alone, work at home etc? Could you do what you do as a home-based contractor?

And you can tell people - "sorry, but I'm just really shy and don't always join in with the chit chat." Then turn your back and get on. (Even if it's not shyness, people "get" that concept so I find it the easiest excuse.) Be cheery and relaxed about it and people may start to accept it. You're not obliged to make pleasantries and respond to inane banter all the time. You're working.

Your DP doesn't sound like he is adding much to your life, in fact he sounds dependent and selfish. Accusing you of losing something, then finding it - he should then apologise. Being negative about medication - it sounds a bit as if misery loves company and he prefers you dragged down to his level. If you don't want to end it, you could stress that you need time to yourself and cut down how much you see him.

I don't have the same issues or problems as you, but I have felt that overwhelmed, stuck feeling. I can't tell you what a difference it has made finding the right meds for my anxiety/depression. I can just cope with things and feel stronger, which makes a difference every time I have to deal with annoying crap. It really is worth a try and stuff what your DP thinks.

If you're not ready to pull the plug on the relationship, then have a look at your work.

Why don't you contact a recruitment agency and see what they say? If you're not in a rush, they may be able to find a job that would be perfect for you. Make it clear the type of working environment you're looking for, so no massive open plan office etc. What could it hurt?

The tablets wont solve your issues op they might mask some of the stress, eventually something will give and you will be forced to confront what's happening, it's easier to do with a time of your choosing.

His court case sounds well dodgey from what you have written, and if this is your best relationship to date, then I wonder just what your willing to put up with lovely.

It's ok to be selfish and sort your self out, in fact ide recommend it in your circumstances.

I understand exactly how overwhelmed you must feel coping with all that. I’m at a similar stage in my life, 48 in my case, and it’s so easy for things to get on top of you. I’ve been dealing with mental health issues (PTSD) and I just had to acknowledge it, which I refused to do for so long.

It can be such a relief to admit where you’re at and accept the help that’s on offer. Medication doesn’t change your circumstances but it changes how you perceive them and can enable you to see things clearly. Therapy also was helpful to me.

You can’t change your partner’s mental state but you can change your own. Signing off sick for a couple of weeks and taking medication could be all you need to be able to see things more clearly. Change of job, maybe time to end things with your partner - if that’s really not working and he’s bringing you down.

You’re definitely not too old, life can be good not just about survival. (I’m telling myself that too.)

I used to take citalopram. For the first week I felt awful - dizzy, sick, off balance. Then I got used to it and it stopped me from killing myself. It sort of evened out things to give me a breathing space. I honestly think it save my life.

I look at it this way - if you had high blood pressure, you would take the tablets. Antidepressants (other ones than citalopram are available to if you feel rubbish for a while) can help you heal if they are used in the right way.

Sending hugs - you sound like you have a lot on your plate.

It sounds like you have the weight of the world (and other people's problems) on your shoulders as well as a bit of a "what's the point" crisis of your own. You take on other people's problems but sounds like you have no support or outlet for your own.

I would try the pills too, even if it just brightens your outlook enough to make some changes/give you energy to carry on.

What about a new challenge/activity to take your mind off things and make some new friends in RL? there would be a degree of small talk to begin with, but smaller groups and doing a shared interest together may make connections more meaningful than office chit chat. Book group/salsa dancing/night school etc?

I know this is not the answer to everything, but when did you last have a holiday in the sun? If it has been some time you should book one if you can. You deserve one and need one. Do not take any kids, do not take your partner. Initiate the idea with a friend or two and go and have some fun away from it all! It will give you time to consider your options and for your family to miss you and hopefully appreciate you a bit more when (and if) you return.

Feeling better now I'm home. Work really is a pain, there is nowhere to hide. It's all chat chat chat all day long. If you don't join on everyone's like are you ok hun, etched. Honestly I don't want to talk to work people I barely know about all the shit going on in my personal life. I don't really want to talk to them at all, id rather just be left to get on with my work. I can work from home sometimes but it's like a day a month and on request, not whenever I feel like it. Which is a shame as days like today dealing with work shit was last thing I needed. I am looking for jobs and with agencies but there's nothing out there I my field at the mo.

We only get 2 weeks sick pay in a rolling 12 month period, I had 5 days off when I was ill due to my health condition in February. I'm a little reluctant to take sick time now as when I have my op hopefully before Feb I'll need 2 weeks off. But will only get paid for one. Also it feels like I should be able to cope with this.

I have got some annual leave left. But i was saving 3 days for xmas. I've got another 4 days left. I was saving those for doing some decorating z had a holiday only a few weeks ago. well about 6 weeks now.. I loved it and wish it had been a fortnight not a week. I love the heat and sun.

And today I feel totally crappy again.

Made the mistake of looking on Facebook.

Everyone having a lovely time. Including one friend who was having a celebration I thought I would have been invited to. Which makes me feel fat, old and boring. Which tbh I knew anyway.

My weight is really getting me down. 3 people on my Facebook have recently lost loads of weight. I'm pleased for them. I just wish i could find the discipline within myself.

Nowt will change unless you change it. Yes, it will seem overwhelming/daunting - break it up into manageable chunks...

1. Your weight is really bothering you. Look at addressing your eating habits. Maybe join a slimming class?

1. Step away from Fake book - if you feel down, it will only make you feel worse.

1. You aren't responsible for your partners happiness. Stick him on pause for a bit, use the energy/time to do something that makes you happy.

1. Take the antidepressant - it might well make you feel worse to start with. Give it a try. It might not be the right type for you. (It's taken me 4 attempts to get the one that works for me)

I have started the citalopram. Don't feel any different yet but it's only a couple of days in.

I honestly can't face slimming classes. I did slimming world before and lost loads but if I went back I'd see all the same people. And I'd have to admit how fat I am. At my previous heaviest I was 18st. I think I'm more now. Sounds disgusting doesn't it. But I'm a sz 18-20. I don't look massive. Fat yes, but not massive. Maybe I'm deluding myself.

I don't know what to do for the best re my partner if I'm honest.

Are there any other groups? Weight watchers or alike? The hardest part is stepping back over that threshold. However, once you have, thats the biggest hurdle jumped.

The antidepressant you've been prescribed take quite a while to start working - in some cases months. I'm currently taking trazodone which gets into your system much quicker - I'm two weeks in and to be honest, my mood lifted after the first week.

Sick the relationship on temporary pause. You've supported him through some really tough stuff - support works both ways though. It's so bloody draining emotionally keeping someone else buoyant - before you know it you've sunk very low yourself.

Right now, you are seeking your own comfort from food - which then makes the whole cycle repeat.

stick not sick?