To want to stop letting my dd visit with my neighbours...

[mezzer]

I'm going to try to keep this as short as possible. My dd (15mo) really likes my nextdoor neighbour who is retired and essentially become a substitute grandfather for her (we are living abroad so no family around). In some ways, I think it's really good for her, lovely, etc. BUT, he has this thing where he jokes around about her getting a spanking if she does something wrong. I am 100% against spanking but living in a country where spanking is definitely the norm and other people "joke-spank" too (e.g., give a tap on the hand jokingly). So, part of me wonders if I should just chill out and be happy that she is getting the experience of having other adults in her life and the other part is FREAKING out and wants to stop letting her go visit with him. Am I being unreasonable?

you are not being unreasonable, this would freak me out too. However, it would be a shame if what is an innocent mis-understanding causes a fift. You should tell your neighbour that it makes you uncomfortable and not something you do as a parent. If he respects this then fine, if not then i would suggest you stop the contact. Are there any other things which make you uncomfortable? I only leave my dd with her nan and she is never left alone with any other adult but this is principally because i dont think she would be happy being left.

I'm not uncomfortable with other aspects, she only really ever goes over to spend time with him when I am home and he is really great with her in other ways and she adores him (cries if he passes on the street and doesn't come pick her up and play with her, etc). I just don't know how to bring it up without it getting awkward. Without him taking offense...

TBH, if it's just done in a jokey & affectionate way and is part of the culture where you are, I'd just let it pass...

(but I appreciate that it can be hard with your first child )

If you are confident he isn't actually going to hit her, I'd let it ride, personally. He sounds like a nice man.

I don't think he'd ever actually hit her but I'm just worried that it is teaching her the wrong lessons, so to speak. I really want to avoid having her be a smacker but she already hits sometimes... But, then I wonder if I am being a bit hyper-protective of PFB and my "no-violence" tactics.

he sounds nice and i think might be hurt if you said something - my mil does this with the kids dolls and she never smacked - so i think they'll just think it's a joke - too difficult to explain - but i did say 'oh that's funny dd - you're PATTING fimbo's bottem'