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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to want partner to confront his mother about her drinking

30 replies

Smeags11 · 04/10/2017 16:30

I've been with my partner for 4 years and last year we had a baby. I always got on really well with his family especially his mother although I was aware that she had an alcohol problem. Once I got pregnant our relationship changed due to the fact I felt like she was trying to be controlling and intrusive on our life, I have never stopped her seeing my son but made it clear to her that myself and my partner will make the decisions on his life and she can enjoy him as her grandson. She is a very manupulative woman and she puts a lot on my partner emotional (he has even commented on he feels he was an emotional crutch for her while growing up) and because of this I feel like my relationship with her has started to be strained. She also drinks every single day, everytime I see her she stinks of vodka even when she's been looking after my son and I'm now so concerned about her drinking that I don't want my son staying with her but I know she will make my life jel if I was to ever confront her. I've tried to talk to my partner about this because I feel like he needs to be the one to address this and he get angry with me and says that it's not so easy for him. I do understand but I feel like my son needs to come first!! What should I do? Would it be unreasonable for me to say something to her?

OP posts:

NotThereEileen · 04/10/2017 16:32

Inform your partner that you are concerned and then make sure she never looks after your son. All you can do.

BertrandRussell · 04/10/2017 16:34

Does she appear drunk?

Santawontbelong · 04/10/2017 16:37

I wouldn't expect your dp to tell her - just tell her you have no need for her to look after him anymore but she is welcome to visit at your home - give a day /time. Your obligation is to your dc not your mill's feelings. .

Original poster

Smeags11 · 04/10/2017 16:37

Sometimes she does appear drunk yeah, she's always clutching a bottle that I know is filled with vodka and Coke but don't know how to tell her I know there's alcohol in it

OP posts:

pasturesgreen · 04/10/2017 16:38

Why is she looking after your son if she drinks as much as you say?

Loopytiles · 04/10/2017 16:38

Don’t let her care for your son anymore. Why the hell have you let her so far?!

Shoxfordian · 04/10/2017 16:39

Don't let her look after your son alone

Other than that you can't do much about it just put your own boundaries in place

Loopytiles · 04/10/2017 16:40

Other than that, not much you can do.

Have had this argument with DH: posters helped me see that he is mired in FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) and may be unwilling or unable to protect himself and our DC. I have therefore focused on the latter.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 04/10/2017 16:40

I feel like my son needs to come first!!

Then don't leave him with her.

The only person that can control her drinking is her. It is very unfair for you to expect your DP to confront her about it. It's not in his control!

Original poster

Smeags11 · 04/10/2017 16:41

She doesn't look after him regularly, it's very rare that's he's there actually. I was in hospital seriously unwell not long ago and it kind of started from there he's only ever allowed to go up there when my partners father is there and he does not drink at all so I guess I've done it for him which I know is so silly! I think I've done it to keep the peace but I feel ill every time he's there and I just can't continue to let it happen

OP posts:

Floralnomad · 04/10/2017 16:41

There is no need to cause a fuss just do not leave your child unattended with her any more , has the drinking got worse because otherwise I can't understand why you allowed her to look after him at all .

Original poster

Smeags11 · 04/10/2017 16:44

It has gotten worse over the last few months, it's wasn always this bad. I myself have an addict parent and don't allow him to be around myself or my child so I don't even know why I've allowed this to go on at all! I jut don't want to hurt anyone especially my partner! Thank you all for your advice I appreciate it

OP posts:

FATEdestiny · 04/10/2017 16:44

You need to remove the drama and emotion from the situation.

Just stop having her to babysit, at all times. If she requests to see your child, go and see her with your DS. There is no necessity to leave when she sees her grandson, just stay.

Aquamarine1029 · 04/10/2017 16:46

The only thing about your situation that you need to take control over is about this drunkard caring for your child. It is TOTALLY irresponsible of you to allow this woman to watch your child. You KNOW she's under the influence and you still allow this?? You would never let anyone else who's drunk care for your son - why is she different? The excuse that it's your partner's mother doesn't cut it. God forbid anything tragic ever happened, but if it did, you would bear the responsibility for it because you KNOW she is not capable of looking after a child. This must stop.

Loopytiles · 04/10/2017 16:47

Your FIL is likely an enabler so can’t be trusted to put his GS’s safety above his partner, sadly.

Your partner may be upset, but your child’s safety is more important than his feelings.

Have been there and set boundaries: H was upset because he was concerned not to upset his addict parent - part of the FOG. It is hard to be firm and I have needed to be - and failed at times - eg if drinking is reduced (but not stopped and therefore the addiction is still there and they’re not a suitable carer).

DarthMaiden · 04/10/2017 16:50

The situation is non negotiable.

She can’t be allowed to see your son without another responsible adult being present.

You don’t necessarily have to confront her, but you do need 100% to make clear to DP and His father that DS can NEVER be left alone with her due to her alcoholism.

If you have the slightest doubt that DP/DPF would not back you in this then your DS never gets to see her without you being there.

Personally I’d speak directly to DP and his father and pull no punches explaining this. Their reaction will tell you all you need to know. If they are supportive they will agree without and dispute. If they are defensive then you make clear DS goes on visits when supervised by you.

I don’t think there is anything to gain by speaking to DP’s mother. She’s an alcoholic in denial so frankly can’t be trusted with a rational response.

Loopytiles · 04/10/2017 16:50

Also, if the parents (the addict and partner) are upset because of less time/no unsupervised time with their GC, that results from the addiction, not you being unreasonable.

Common where there’s an alcoholic - including “dry” ones - for people in the family to prioritise protecting their feelings above all. Dysfunctional.

Original poster

Smeags11 · 04/10/2017 16:51

You are totally right Aquamarine, I know myself I have even irresponsible in letting this happen I guess it's been difficult because I'm so involved but as you said I need to take control of the situation

OP posts:

Original poster

Smeags11 · 04/10/2017 16:52

Loopytiles thankyou all of your advice has been super helpful

OP posts:

lynmilne65 · 04/10/2017 16:52

No No
No
As a recovering alcoholic 30 years plus
She will have to hit her own rock bottom
Sorry
Also, on Gods earth would be allowed to babysit

lynmilne65 · 04/10/2017 16:53

I be

ArcheryAnnie · 04/10/2017 16:55

You can't control what she does or how much she drinks, if she's an alcoholic.

Your DH can't control what she does or how much she drinks, if she's an alcoholic.

Your DH "confronting" his mother over her drinking will achieve exactly zero, if she's an alcoholic.

You can only control what you do. So don't ever leave her in charge of your son.

Ttbb · 04/10/2017 16:55

Well for one stop leaving your child with ab alcoholic. If your husband doesn't like it he can talk to her.

PetitFilous123 · 04/10/2017 17:05

I don't think you need to have a conversation or your DP with her. Just don't allow her to look after your LO anymore, but invite her to yours to see him or take him round yourself. I wouldn't get into it, because if she isn't ready to confront it it will just lead to a falling out.

MissBabbs · 04/10/2017 17:11

ArcheryAnnie has good advice.

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