WIBU to Give Family the Middle Finger and Elope?

[IllAssumeItWasSomethingClever]

We're in the process of planning our wedding after getting engaged about 2 months ago and I've already had enough of it.
The first thing my Mum said when we told her was "But he didn't ask permission!!". Like I'm a cow being sold at market.
She then cried on our engagement night out because my MIL2B helped arrange the house with flowers etc whilst we were out having dinner, so he could propose once we got home.
She then went in a strop at our engagement party because my DH2B is inviting more people to the wedding than I am (he's not) and that my cousins aren't invited. 8 out of 25 cousins are. But I'm not inviting them all as a) we'd fill a massive proportion of our venue with them and b) it would literally cost us thousands for them to come when I hardly ever see them.
Both her and my dad have "expressed concerns" that my uncle isn't invited to my OH's stag do. Why would he? Especially if he's not even inviting his own uncle.
We've also had problems with his family. His aunt saying that her step children should be invited alongside her 4 biological children. His Mum being difficult (this is another thread entirely).

I've just had enough of people dictating what should be happening and who should be invited.
How do I politely tell people to back off!? I've told my mum that we will invite who we damn well please and to stop being such a Negative Nelly. But I struggle with the calm and polite confrontation and tend to go all guns blazing.

I'm honestly debating sacking it all off and going somewhere to elope just the two of us.

Getting engaged and Married is supposed to be the best time of your life and I'm so happy but people seem to be determined to keep raining of my parade.

Our ds was ten months old when we got married. Mil had seen him 3 times - her choice - no back story at all. She had made it clear to dh his whole adulthood that she didn't want to be a gm. . She had tried to interfere with his wedding outfit and when we discussed it we decided she had no place on our big day as she really wasn't part of our lives. . She put on the tears and blamed the decision on me - it really wasn't. She emailed her and dh mutual close friends and lied through her teeth. Dh was gutted she had bad mouthed us to his friends when he had done nothing wrong. We have been nc for over 2 years now. Dh has no regrets.

Fuk me. Weddings and funerals really do bring out the worst in people don't they?

I have a friend whose extended family stopped speaking to her, (3 aunts, 3 uncles, and 7 cousins and their partners - with about 15 kids between them,) after she didn't invite ANY of them to her wedding (5 years ago.) 2 of them got over themselves and started acting normal again after a year or so. But the other 5 (and 2 of the 3 aunts and uncles) have not spoken to her since.

Even her own mother was pretty upset by it. Even though she went to the wedding herself, she still says to my friend that it's HER FAULT all these relatives no longer speak to her, and she 'should apologise to them.' My friend said hell will freeze over first. She said she could not afford to invite all those people, as she and her fiance were paying for the wedding themselves.

In the 5 years, there have been about 8 'do's' within the family; several Christenings, a 40th, a 30th, and two 21st birthday parties, and an engagement party, and she (and her husband,) have been left out of every one. She feels so alienated from her extended family now, and even her mother makes her feel guilty at least once a week! So in the new year, she and her husband are moving 75 miles south to start afresh in a new county, and she says 'fuck 'em all, I don't need this fucking shit!'

You have my sympathy OP. And yeah I would elope if I were you. Your mother is a manipulative control freak.

Your partner didn't ask permission? WTF? It's not 1930!

If your family are gonna be arseholes, YANBU to elope!

I'm not surprised you feel like running away.
And, of course, it's a perfectly reasonable option to elope.

Alternatively, I would sit down with DH2B and work out your own strategy for the planning, who's involved with what, how decisions are to be made, etc. Then inform all those involved what has been decided by you two. It's possible to politely tell them that it's non-negotiable and they can either come onboard and accept or turn up on the day and have a lovely time.

Don't let anyone divide and conquer between you two.

We’re eloping next year and telling no fucker! All arranged will come home as a done deal,’ we got married and would like a family meal to cekrbrate’ It will literally be a family meal, my mum, his mum and my brother.

Elope
Have an enjoyable holiday and spend the £ thousands on your house or a new car.

My ideal wedding would have been late afternoon a simple service in a beautiful small church and a big party after ata riverside venue with everyone so no offence taken

Who's paying? Because he who pays the piper calls the tune. We paid for our wedding, and that definitely reduced their interference.

This is exactly why we are eloping. I have very few close friends (I actually don’t like people) and DP is the same so we worked out there would be to few people to make it worthwhile. DP is extremely shy and would hate being the centre of attention it would actually be his worst nightmare.

I did say to my mum that we had such small families a wedding wasn’t worth it. ‘Oh but your dad has so many cousins!’ Yeah who I have never met and couldn’t make, therefore my wedding would be a room full of people I had never met?!? no chance and not one of them turned up to my dads funeral so not that close obviously.

So we were expected to have a costly wedding full of people who meant nothing to us??

After 10 years we have booked our wedding and for £1500 we have two days in a cottage,a piper, a photographer, a wedding consultant, a wedding meal and cake. if the weather holds in April we will get married on a beach looking out towards the western isles of Scotland. They even provide witnesses.

I agree with everything except the aunts step children. I have two blood children and three steps when we all lived together it was all or none at family events. It is of course different if they are adults and you don't know them well but if they are younger you can't leave them out .

Fluffy sounds wonderful! Tell me the date and I'll wave across the water to You!

Either A) elope, B) grit your teeth, nod and ignore or C) tell them all to get to fuck. It's your and your DH's wedding, no-one else's and cousins 12 times removed won't care. Your day, not your mother's or your mil's.

Looking back, I so wish I'd hopped down to the local registry office for a civil do then the pub after. The hassle and upset are unreal and unless you have shedloads of money, it can't be anything but horrible and stressful.

YANBU at all! Your wedding- your choices. This kind of fandango is why my DP is still DP and not DH!

fluffyears - is it www.weeweddings.co.uk/about-wee-weddings/ by any chance? DP and I have been considering this for a while, I'd love to know how it all goes for you!

Oh FGS. Fuck all that nonsense. I know exactly what you're going through. When my husband and I were planning ours, we wanted it to be very, very small. As in my parents (I'm an only child), his parents and two sisters. That's it. Then my MIL said "Well, your grandparents (who live very far away) have to be there!" Then my mum said, "If the grandparents come then my sisters have to come!" And on and on and on. It was like an avalanche of new demands and expectations. We said NO WAY and went to the registry office, just the two of us. Best day and best decision ever. If you do decide to have a wedding, do not share any details AT ALL and make it known to both sides that any bitching or moaning will not be listened to.

Elope!
My DH and I have large families and lots of friends and we decided on Vegas with 9months notice. The people who wanted to come did and it was the best wedding I and many others had been to. 30 peeps came which was more than I would even have wanted but heck.. Saved ALL that aggro. Altho saying that my DM and DMIL are not pains in the bum!
Good luck!!

@caoraich yes it is CREAR wee wedding. Honestly like old famtastic and they are sooo helpful. I spoke to the registrar and she said that on the day of the weather is against us (9th April) we can get married inside the cottage as it’s a lovely place (she’s impartial so I trust her) we drove up and it was lovely and we saw a seal out on the rocks just basking. Definitely contact them

A tip: don't tell anyone anything. Present them with the fait accomplish arrangements.

but then, if you did that, we wouldn't have hours of fun with wedding threads