Neighbour complaining about children

[thiswayorthat]

Sorry this is so long . My landlord has received a 4 page letter of complaint from my neighbour saying that my 3 children are 'running amok between the hours of 3-6pm' and deliberately antagonising her autistic adult son by screaming when he bangs on our walls .

Until today I wasn't even aware she had a son but did wonder why there was often loud bangs on the wall , including during the night. It's never been often enough for me to consider complaining about , usually once / twice a week . My children do get frightened and cry when it happens sometimes but now I know why it happens I'll be able to explain to the children . They're definitely not trying to upset anyone by crying , they're just startled and my 6 year old has sensory issues so it scares her .
She's also saying that between 3-6pm the children are making a noise that upsets her son . They're not unruly kids , they come home from school and have tea , do their homework , bath and bed by 7pm at the latest . They're never in the garden unless I'm also out and they're not allowed to play upstairs unless I'm also upstairs because I worry ,probably irrationally ,about furniture being pulled on top of them .

We've lived here for over two years and have never had any complaints before and I really wouldn't want any bad feeling between me and the neighbour (I've only seen her a few times when our post has been mixed up and I've returned her letters) . My landlord has said that even if they were being noisy there's nothing she can do about it anyway because it's not during the night or early morning . So the landlord isn't taking it further . My main concern is I'm due a baby next year and won't want her complaining if she can hear it crying .

Would IBU to pop a card through the door apologising for any noise my kids may have made but stating that it's just general household noise that is to be expected with young children and whilst I don't want to cause any distress to her son , I can't make my kids be silent . I'd also like to mention that the banging on the walls is upsetting to my young children and she can't expect them to not retaliate . I would also put my mobile number on and say she's welcome to either call or text or come round with any issues she might have in future .

Nocry , yes . I didn't know she had a son living with her until today but he's not a child , he's an adult .

I agree with PPs saying don’t engage, really don’t! You could end up creating more trouble as a result if she takes offence at your letter, which sounds like a distinct possibility. You’ve done nothing wrong, just normal family life, kids can never be expected to be completely quiet.

Your neighbour should have spoken to you, writing to your landlord was extremely sneaky. So for that reason, it’s better not to engage with her.

At least you can explain the banging to your kids, which will make life easier.

She has a child herself so she should be used to kids making noise, she sounds precious as fuck.
Don't go to her house face to face, whatever you say to her, get it in writing and make a copy. Offer your number and if she calls record the call or save messages.
She is fucking deluded to think that her child can bang on walls but yours cannot cry
Good luck with this one OP, she sounds like hard work

IME responding to nonsense like this just 'feeds the beast' and leads to never ending ridiculous complaints about all sorts (used to work as a letting agent) I wouldn't respond in any way as it seems your landlord is being perfectly sensible about it and her complaints are unjustified.

dont give her your number. You will regret it

I'd heavily suggest that you put all of this in writing to your landlord, so your reply is 'on record' All of it, including about changing bedrooms with the children, your children being sensitive to house etc not even knowing who was doing the banging. Everything you've said here and anything else you think of.

Don't write to her or go to see her. If she'd wanted to resolve it that way she would have sent you a note or knocked on your door. Engaging her like that will only cause more bother.

I do feel for her, having an adult child with SN, especially in a flat, that must be hell. So I wouldn't feel angry, but I wouldn't give her an 'in' to complain about every little thing either.

Dont react - someone who sends a 4 page letter when her family makes 50% of the noise is looking for a row.
Nothing is going to placate her. If she wanted placating she would have had a chat with you and explained the situation, and you could have given whatever apology she felt she was entitled to.
Its not her fault her son bangs on the wall, and its not your fault your kids react to the noise.

No apology no card and definitely not phone number exchanging! I've lived here years and NONE of my neighbours have my phone number. Perish the thought.

Don't acknowledge it, at all. If you're apparently particularly noisy between 3-6pm why on earth is he banging late at night? Ignore it and let your LL continue handling it.

Our downstairs neighbour complained about the noise when DS1 was 15 months and discovering the joy of running.

I bought a bunch of flowers and apologised. We then stopped him running in the flat.

Over the next 3 years she would ring us daily on the landline to complain. We answered at first then stopped. She only stopped ringing us when our phone number changed.

When she got really annoyed she'd come up and threaten to ring the police and the management company.

We don't engage. We just say sorry and stop the conversation as fast as possible.

Our boys are lively but do not run in the flat. Nor are they allowed their friends round because of the neighbour. During the week they're out every day from 8am til 5.30/6pm. They're in bed every day from 8pm til 6am and we don't have friends round in the evening.

I think our noise can be considered to be reasonable daily life noises. And I'm assuming the management company agree because we haven't even had a letter asking us to respect our neighbours.

But our neighbour is a pain in the arse and one of the reasons we're wanting to move soon.

AtlanticWaves you poor thing. You can't live like a prisoner in your own home. Tell her to buzz off. You've done nothing wrong

I wouldn't do anything. If she knew the landlord told you about it, she will presume s/he took it seriously especially if you feel the need to apologise. She'll feel likes she's got a right to complain again and again. It will be the start of her intimidating you.

If she was reasonable she would have knocked or popped a note through the door. She wrote a 4 page letter to the landlord, she wants to scare you into silence.

I have 2 autistic children, no way do I expect the world around us to be silent. They can wear ear defenders or she (as she owns the property) can sound proof the connecting wall or move her son's room to a different area like you have.

I would just ignore her as well. However, as an outsider I would think that she might well be struggling if she has an SEN adult child living with her and perhaps this is just a build up of years of frustration of her situation rather than your children.

It sounds like you have done the right thing by moving your children to the other side of the house and your landlord has looked at the situation and feels you haven't done anything wrong. Yes children are noisy and it is considerate to do everything possible to make sure they or anyone else in the house don't disturb neighbours but exactly the same goes for your neighbour.

Congratulations on your pregnancy and I really would just ignore your neighbour. If she says anything to you, say it is a shame she hadn't been able to come round and talk to you in the first place but you feel you are doing all you can.

I wouldn't engage at all, don't even acknowledge it

Talk to her. She must have been very stressed and probably very tired with her son awake at night banging on things.

Ignore her- her son bands in the walls and she complains that your kids react?! Wtf

Not in relation to you OP.

But I'm a bit surprised about the comments on here ! Usually when an OP posts about some neighbours kids disturbing her home life. The OP gets full sympathy....but this thread, the comments are exactly the opposite. Why is that ?

@notgivingin789, I think because the neighbour didn’t bother to approach the OP first but wrote a letter to the landlord with the complaints.

Also the complaint about kids’ noise between 3-6pm is trivial as there will be some noise from kids that time of day. And the OP explained about the banging scaring her kids. It’s understandable she got a sympathetic response.

But I think most significantly, she was prepared to meet her neighbour halfway.

I get your urge to reach out to your neighbour, who must have a difficult time of it but I don't think it will help the situation unfortunately. What she ultimately wants is silence which isn't achievable, so you'll never be able to appease her. However general and vague you might be in a card message it will be viewed as admission that your children are noisy and she will feel frustrated and encouraged to keep complaining. I actually think for her own good she needs to accept that she can't stop all noise and focus on other ways to mitigate it.

Hang on.... 2 years and you've never seen him. Is he locked away like boo radley. Thats really sad. I think this all rpund shows shes not a reasonable person and looking for an arguement.

You really, really, really shouldn't respond at all to this ridiculous complaint.

I would actually do the card with no number. The content you suggested was good

My neighbours kids SCREAM and shout at about 10pm it's made me want to register for a hysterectomy.

I think your card isn't apologizing or backing down it's actually being mature.

i would also point out like you said your children probably are scared when her son bangs on the wall.

Best of luck x

Ignore, ignore, ignore! You will only be playing into the drama if you do.
She is being unreasonable.

Ignore all the way, her demand is unreasonable and I wouldn't try to fob her off.

If the children are upsetting her son that's unfortunate, but they're children and it doesnt sound like they're making an unusual amount of noise. You are living a normal life in your house (and not having raging parties/kiddy discos/bagpipe lessons), if she requires a quieter environment it's on her to adapt her situation to meet her needs.

Is it possible she also has an ASD? I believe they can be inherited in some instances. This would be no excuse for her unreasonable behaviour but may explain some of it.

I understand why people are saying o ignore her but I would also want to get on with a neighbour. As suggested she is possibly stressed and may be over protective of her son. I would think about knocking on the door to have a chat in which you suggest there has been a misunderstanding about the banging and screaming. If she is unwilling to chat amicably walk away and leave it at that. I can't imagine she will be violent towards you and a chat can often sort out misunderstandings.

Hi, I have just joined mumsnet and was reading your post and the thread. How did you get on? Did you respond to your neighbour? You sound like you are. very wisely, keen not to get into a cycle of hostile thoughts and actions with your neighbour because you know it will impact on your happiness within your home. Your neighbour may have not felt able to talk to you directly e.g. anxiety over your reaction, social inhibition etc. Speaking to your landlord would perhaps seem like the correct procedural step to them - so not necessarily a result of sneakiness etc. Try not to project too many of your own thoughts onto their actions, it eats up your own time, it is guesswork and can upset you. Constructive communication is usually the only way to progress. When you talk with them, you will find out whether your neighbour is able respond positively to your wish to share your perspective. Some people look for conflict and are not interested/able to find resolutions and if that happens in your situation try to 'let go' of their agenda and ignore and stay neutral as much as you can. Use your energy to live your life and enjoy your family. Best of luck.