Am I wrong to feel this ......

[Guardsman18]

I'll try and keep this as short as I can. Please be gentle although I can take constructive criticism! What I'd like to ask people is what the hell do I do here?

Husband and I don't live together, very close in proximity though. (He bought a house in the next street a few months after we'd split up.) Two years ago DS1 15 years wanted part time job. F laughed at him and said something like - what, you? How will you have any time for the football on a Sat? They go to the games together btw. I'll give you a job. (He's self employed in a field that Ds has no interest in or aptitude for). So he 'employed' him for approx 2 mornings all Summer hols (£20 per morning).

Fast forward - Ds is now 17 and doing A levels. He's finding them quite hard and has already dropped one subject. He has said he'd like a part time job - great. I should add that I think F has an unhealthy relationship with him, but tell me if I'm wrong, please?

For example - if DS changes his mind about going to his house on a Friday night for a steak - party or friends round - he will kick off with - I've bought it now. You're just going to ditch me? Cheers. Needless to say DS doesn't go far now.

He wanted to go to College to finish his A's - Dad didn't like that, so he stayed in school. Though to be fair, that is the best/simplest option atm. His dad I feel influences him too much, eg you don't want to go to a tinpot university son - we're talking B grades, C, maybe a D - I don't think Oxford will have him.

Have just had a conversation with Dad which again ended with him slamming down the phone. (Any time I try and talk about anything that involves any change, this is what happens.)

I have a few people that I could ask about potential work for DS, but guess what his dad said - he can work for me. He then got all stroppy and said - well, if a Father can't help his son out .... There's something seriously wrong with you .... etc, etc.

I would put money on it that by the time he's 18 (next year), Ds will be going to watch football on a Sat, going to the pub and then home for a curry.

I think Ds should be encouraged to be more independent of him. Do you or am I spoiling a lovely relationship here? Thanks for reading.

I think at this age, it is up to your DS what relationship he has with his dad. It doesn't sound like his dad is the best of dads, but there is not much you can do about it. Encourage your DS to get another job, have friends and do things with them. I do think if he makes plans with his dad he should stick to them though, that would annoy me too and I am a very reasonable person.

Your son is old enough to decide what relationship he has with his father. If he wants to have a curry and go to football that is your son's choice too.

If your DS wants a job he is old enough to go out and look for one without either his mum or dad sorting it out for him.

As regards uni etc his school will also be advising him where to look at if he wants to go to uni but there are lots of online resources that both you and he can look at to see which unis have courses he'd like and what sort of grades he needs for each uni.

His father may feel that if he doesn't get good grades or only go to a very lowly regarded uni your DS may be better off at looking at higher apprenticeships etc. Again as parents you can suggest things but ultimately it is down to your son to decide and work for what he wants.

I agree with PP that it has to be up to your son to decide what kind of relationship he has with his father.

However, I do think that you should point out to him that it is OK to say no to his dad/do his own thing/not be guilt tripped about stuff and that he is allowed to set healthy boundaries in relationships.

I agree with you and I don’t think you’d be spoiling a lovely relationship.... but I do think it might come across that way to DS and his dad. Tread carefully.

Hmmm. Thanks for the replies. I will reread and do some serious thinking. This is the first time I have asked for advice on here, so am really grateful to get other people's perspective

Mamma - why would a 17 year old want to 'make' all these arrangements though?

Regarding school advising him, I don't think he would be able to not run it by his Dad first - as he knows best etc. How can I tread carefully?

Why would a 17 year old want to make these arrangements?

I don't know, maybe he wants to see his Dad.

if DS changes his mind about going to his house on a Friday night for a steak - party or friends round - he will kick off with - I've bought it now. You're just going to ditch me? He is making arrangements, then ditching him. I think he is right to be annoyed about this. I would be!

I don't think any parent should be making their DC feel guilty about not spending time with them, especially at that age. His dad should be encouraging his DS to go out with his mates, not guilt tripping him into spending time with him by saying he is 'ditching' him.
It all sounds like his dad is a bit needy and controlling of him, which isn't healthy imo

Who is F? Your father or your son's?

His father

Thanks again for replies. Anyone have any idea how I can move ds on a bit with independence without his dad's disapproval? I just can't help feel that his dad is stunting his growth - emotionally that is. I hope I'm wrong

Ah well. I guess i tried