better off without him?

10 replies

ifihadonlyknown · 04/10/2017 11:08

Ive got bad PND. Baby is 5 months old and definitely will be my last and I'm gutted for myself that I'm not enjoying it. I'm on antidepressents which aren't doing much and cry and feel suicidal throughout the day but still somehow keep my home and kids ok. A big part of my issues is money. Partner earns 26k a year and therefore I don't get much benefits. He hands over just under half his money each month a complains about it every time. Ive explained that the government calculates our tax credits based on his income and therefore we are about a thousand a month short of what we need. rent is in arrears and I have lots of debt where I keep borrowing to make ends meet, meanwhile a bank account overdrawn by £800 and dodging various other debts as I can barely afford shopping. Not had a haircut or a new bra since I fell pregnant with my son who is now 5 months. I work 2 days a week and my nursery bill consumes every bit of my wages but it gives me an opportunity to talk to grown ups as most days are spent sat in doors with the baby as I have no friends and my family aren't interested. If he left I would get a lot more in tax credits and could afford to go out and do things and actually enjoy my time with this little boy which is whizzing by so fast in a whirl of sadness and anxiety. He wont budge on the money, he definitely wont pay more. So do I just go it alone again?

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WhooooAmI24601 · 04/10/2017 11:12

What does he do with the other half of his money? Do you have to pay out rent, council tax and food from the half he gives to you?

If someone is deliberately being selfish and obstructive with money like this, there's a strong chance they're being abusive. If you're struggling financially while he's having a good time with the remainder of his salary, he's definitely being abusive.

If your antidepressants genuinely aren't working, go back and speak to your GP or HV. There isn't enough support for new mothers by half, but go back and ask what they can do to help, because feeling suicidal means you're struggling enormously and need more support.

shakingmyhead1 · 04/10/2017 11:14

what does with the half he keeps? cause in my thinking if hes the earner then he needs to be paying all the bills and setting aside the food money b4 even thinking about keeping any of his wage, thats how my husband does it, every single bill is paid first, then food, then random planned expenses and then we can have what ever is left over

Original poster

ifihadonlyknown · 04/10/2017 11:22

He goes out all the time, upto 5 nights a week, says he's working but he isn't. I'm pretty sure a good chunk of it goes on beer and probably up his nose. I wasn't aware of this problem until I was preggers and he promised me he'd stop. He gets really defensive and tetchy when I ask him about it. Its a shame, because he's a very gentle, non violent guy and the most loving father when hes actually with his son, but he cant stop partying. Hes 33 by the way, so not a kid by any means. I have a teenager from another relationship who he really doesn't make any effort to get along with. Not a happy place this house at the moment.

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keepcalmandfuckon · 04/10/2017 11:31

That's awful OP. You're absolutely better off without him. That's no life. No money, isn't around, parties all the time.
Pnd is terrible and I'm sorry you're going through it. Hang in there and do look after you. Don't feel bad about him, he's made his choices.

MyPatronusIsAUnicorn · 04/10/2017 11:32

I'd go it alone. No way would I put up with this man-child.

I've recently had less money coming in so my DH has to transfer money to me each month, every time I felt he begrudged it and I confronted him about it and it turns out he's pissed off at another large bill he has to pay, not my issue and I told him that. He's fine about it now, as it should be when you are together and have children.

Contact your HV for advice and help with the PND and they may also be able to signpost you to other organisations that will help. And get rid of this waste of space of a 'partner'.

shakingmyhead1 · 04/10/2017 11:37

Im sorry Ifihadonlyknown, hes not lovely, hes not loving and hes not a good man, no man allows his wife/partner and children to go without while he lives it up, no man makes his dependents scrape by and rack up debt while hes off drinking and drugging
I think most will say this is financial abuse and you shouldn't be begging for money to run the household and to try feed everyone, i dont often say this but if you are better off financially without him.... you know what you need to do

Original poster

ifihadonlyknown · 04/10/2017 12:56

I think I knew what the replies would be. I'm terrified of doing this though. I'm lonely now, once he's gone there will never be anyone to talk to. Its highly unlikely I will ever find another partner, it wasn't easy last time and now with another baby I'm not much of a catch :(

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shakingmyhead1 · 04/10/2017 13:32

it is better to be alone than be abused and stressed and fearful everyday and knowing that he allowed you and the children to feel that way should give you will to get out and do well,
once you can see you can do this you will start to respect yourself and feel pride in yourself, rightly so btw, once you do respect yourself you will find your depression lessens,
it might pay you little visits from time to time but you will learn to kick it in the ass,
and you will feel more positive about life in general,
it will take time but you know this isnt life right now, its not healthy to feel like this or be treated like dirt,
remind yourself each day "IM BETTER THAN THAT!" and " MY CHILDREN DESERVE BETTER"

you will be amazed at how strong you really are ( and how weak he really is)

4teensandababy · 04/10/2017 13:52

Please don't think you aren't much of a catch now with 2 children. I was in a similar situation. I had 4 children and escaped an abusive marriage.
I am now happily re-married with a baby to a lovely lovely man who treats the eldest 4 as they're his own.
Don't give up hope, just do what's right for you and your children. Everything else will work out in the end

Hermonie2016 · 04/10/2017 18:24

Your baby won't be a baby for too long so life will get better.

Do you have a household budget? It feels like he contributes too little as half his wages isn't effort to run a house.

His attitude and worry about his behaviour is likely to be contributing to pnd.Do speak to your hv, they often have groups where you can meet similar mums.
Do you have family who can support you?

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