Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

to want to do stuff without children sometimes?

30 replies

Springersrock · 03/10/2017 09:31

We have a group of friends of 6 couples plus their assorted children. 5 of us have older kids (13-20ish) and 1 of the couples (couple A) have very young children (3 and 8 months)

Normally when we all get together we do stuff where the children can come too (although normally the older ones choose not to) and we'll meet up at each other's houses for a takeaway, or we'll go for dinner at a family friendly pub or restaurant.

Sometimes though, we all want to do stuff without the kids - most of us have children old enough to stay home now so it's nice to be able to get out and socialise with friends. Whenever something like this comes us though, couple A kick up a huge stink - that we're unsupportive, that we're excluding them and leaving them out.

A few weeks ago it was my daughter's 16 birthday and she wanted to go to Thorpe Park. It came up in conversation with the other families who all said they'd love to come too. The more tickets you book the cheaper it gets so I said let me know and I'd book the tickets. A few days later couple A contacted me to ask if we could go to Lego Land instead as Thorpe Park wasn't really suitable for their kids. I said DD had her heart set on Thorpe Park so we'd be sticking with our original plans. The other couples said they'd prefer to stick with Thorpe Park too as they all wanted the big rides, but we suggested we could all do Legoland next summer

Huge fall out ensued, we were all accused of being unsupportive, that we'd forgotten what having young kids was like and we were excluding them.

It mostly blew over and we've got together a couple of times and all was OK

Anyway, a cheesy nightclub has opened up in our local town and we all fancied a night out. Everyone was invited, but again couple A have got upset.

I like them, they're both lovely and their kids are great, but my kids are now old enough to leave to their own devices for an evening and I don't always want to do stuff with their young children.

We mostly do stuff that includes them, so it is really that unreasonable to expect them to suck it up sometimes when we want to do stuff that isn't suitable for their kids - or, they could always get a baby sitter!

OP posts:

5rivers7hills · 03/10/2017 09:37

Couple A sound horrific actually!

Wanting to change your DDs 16th birthday party location to somewhere more child friendly?!?!?

I’d take a harder line - be breezy, do some things that are child friendly and some things that aren’t “no we don’t want to change the night out, can you get a babysitter? Ok then no worries darling, we’ll see you next week at the race away night then. No, we fancy a night out. If you can get a babysitter do come along.”

mrsnolasco · 03/10/2017 09:38

Yanbu, but it's a shame if they had to put up with everyone else's children when they had none, but now everyone else's kids have grown up they're being left out of things iyswim. I can see both sides.

loveisevol · 03/10/2017 09:39

I think couple A are being unfair. They can’t expect 5 other couples to change their plans just to accommodate their youngsters. Especially as you mostly go to places they can bring them anyway.
Go to the nightclub and have a good time. If they can’t get sitters well they’ll have to miss out then.

opheliacat · 03/10/2017 09:41

The thorpe park thing is ridiculous but I do feel for fhem. It isn't easy to be on the precipice of a group.

ZigZagIntoTheBlue · 03/10/2017 09:41

Yanbu! They could get a babysitter! I'd love to go to Thorpe Park without my kids (who are in the age range of friend A) a lot of my friends have older children than my youngest, I just decline invitations to places that aren't suitable for him, it's not their job to arrange things that entertain a 2 year old!
I can't belive they wanted you to change your daughter's birthday treat to accommodate their child! Cf friends!
For the night out type stuff, would any of your groups older children be willing to babysit theirs? Could be a solution if they're willing?

StewPots · 03/10/2017 09:43

YANBU OP. Trying to change your DD's birthday party venue for their own agenda?? Nope.

I have a DD nearly 16 and a DS3 and there's no way I'd change what DD wanted to do, even for her own brother and vice versa!

To be honest they sound precious and pretty selfish. Some things you miss out on as parents to young kids but it's not that way forever. I've missed out on doing loads of things because my mates either have babysitters or it's not a suitable thing for young children but I just suck it up and think "oh well, maybe next year" or something.

McTufty · 03/10/2017 09:43

Couple A are dicks.

If you never did anything kid friendly then I would understand they would feel excluded, but to expect that your group of friends cannot have any adult only or stuff for older children at all because it doesn’t suit them is selfish.

I agree with @mrsnolasco that if you only ever did kid stuff when yours were young then they can feel a bit aggrieved at the double standards but we don’t know whether that’s the case.

I don’t have children yet and most of my friends do. A lot of stuff is arranged round them and what their kids can do, or their childcare availability if we have a night out. We do a mixture of both, I assumed everyone did?

McTufty · 03/10/2017 09:47

PS a lot of the child free meals/drinks we do are not just for me and the childfree in our group, it’s also because the parents of young children sometimes want a break. I sympathise if they have no childcare but u think it’s a shame if couple A never want to do anything away from their children. One of them could babysit and one could go on the night out if there is no one else to help out.

The more I think about it, trying to ban everyone in their group of friends from visiting a nightclub because they have young children is the apex of cheeky fuckerdom.

SaucyJack · 03/10/2017 09:49

That's really quite twunty of them to try and demand that you change your teen's birthday outing to a venue of their choice.

Mrs Nolasco (Amaury?) makes a fair point tho. I bet they did their share of catering to toddlers over the years. It's hard when you're not on the same page as your friends.

cakecakecheese · 03/10/2017 10:05

Er so they complain about other people's venue choices but do they ever organise their own events or do they just latch on to stuff already planned and try to get it moved?

Majority rules. If they really want to do something suitable for young kids then they organise something.

HeteronormativeHaybales · 03/10/2017 10:12

They are BU, of course.

But I am wondering what the set-up is? How did you all meet, how long have you all been friends? It's a bit unusual for 5 of you to have similarly-aged children and then only one couple with much younger ones. Did they perhaps struggle with infertility, spend years watching you all have dc and accommodating them, and now you are all moving on to the next stage they feel left behind again (iyswim)? Pure speculation, obviously, but it might be an explanation (if not exactly an axcuse) for their behaviour, which then might warrant more considerate treatment than pure unreasonableness.

Jackiebrambles · 03/10/2017 10:23

I feel a bit for them (though asking to change from Thorpe park to Legoland is a bit daft and cheeky when it's for a 16 year old treat!).

I do wonder if they spent years doing kid friendly things when they were child free.

However it's just one of those things I think, they are at a different life stage. A few of my friends have older kids and I can see how days out etc are starting to change.

And it's a bit of give and take, you should do things suitable for their kids and they should/could get sitters to be part of child free things. Although if they don't have a lot of family help, they might not be comfortable/able to do that as an 8 month old is quite little. I wonder if that is what is going on here. They are at a difficult stage (I have a 4 and 2 year old so I can well remember how relentless it is!!)

Original poster

Springersrock · 03/10/2017 10:53

Thanks all!
Sorry, I put some extra info in the OP but deleted it as it made it soooo long

We met them 4 years ago when they moved to the area and husband A started working with one of the other husbands, and by a quirk of small world they moved from the same area as another couple and they all discovered they went to primary school together.

The 20 year old DD of one of the other couples has offered to baby sit but they've never accepted. Her mum moved here last year so there is family around

I just feel a bit that I've done my baby years, my children are now older so I want to do different things occasionally. I'm happy to do stuff that includes their children but every now and then I want to do something else

OP posts:

Bringmewineandcake · 03/10/2017 11:28

Couple A need to get a grip!
I have a “friend” like this and if any suggested meet up isn’t exactly to her unreasonable requirements then she goes NC for a few weeks and then pretends it never happened, till the next time...
I think you’re doing the right thing by inviting them along to things but making it clear that plans won’t be changed at their say so...your DD’s 16th birthday FGS

Allthewaves · 03/10/2017 11:30

One word 'babysitter'

Bringmewineandcake · 03/10/2017 11:33

cakecakecheese makes a good point actually, do couple A ever make the first suggestion? My “friend” doesn’t, she just waits for someone else to arrange something then demands it be adapted to her desires!

Runningpear · 03/10/2017 11:38

Yanbu, Lego land request was ridiculous. If they keep being so insistent then I guess you will all be having a massive fall out v soon.

QueenUnicorn · 03/10/2017 11:45

Suggest that if they have their heart set on legoland then they do that for their DC's birthdays and not yours. The cheek.

DancesWithOtters · 03/10/2017 11:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Springersrock · 03/10/2017 12:37

Thanks!

Couple A do make suggestions - it's usually meet round there's for a Chinese - sometimes we all get a bit fed up with always going round there, but we suck it up. It's easier as they can put their kids to bed.

Which is why is annoying me why they can't suck it up when it's something like a night club

We live in a tourist area so most pubs and restaurants are family friendly, but it would be nice to go out without any kids sometimes.

OP posts:

Original poster

Springersrock · 03/10/2017 12:37

Oops, meet round their's

OP posts:

LivingInLaLaLand · 03/10/2017 12:42

YADNBU & I would be ditching couple A, until they realise that just because they think the world revolves around their precious darlings, it's bloody rude to expect the rest of the world to follow suit & kick up a stink when they don't.

Urubu · 03/10/2017 13:02

What a nightmare.
Just send a message like: Couple A, you seem to get upset when we book something non child friendly. We are not excluding you on purpose, but if one of us wants to do such an activity and others are interested, surely you understand that you are BU in asking us not to do it just because you don't want to take part...

BusySittingDown · 03/10/2017 13:23

They sound like hard work!

I was going to ask if the older children could babysit theirs but I see that they have offered and the couple have refused.

I can understand them refusing a babysitter - I would have been very fussy about who I left a baby with but just refuse and accept that that means that you can’t join in! Don’t piss and moan that you’re not included when you were actually invited! FGS.

I think I’d be slowly trying to cut them out . I’m probably not as nice as you though .

emmyrose2000 · 04/10/2017 13:49

Couple A wanted you to change the details of YOUR child's birthday to suit THEM?!? Good lord. Just when you think you've read about all the self entitled people out there, along comes another one.

So glad you said no!

Flip

1 2