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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel upset that friends only ever want to socialise with me on their terms?

25 replies

ItReallyWasNotMe · 02/10/2017 12:43

I mean in terms of chatting to me, and in terms of going anywhere with me or even coming round for a coffee.

I have some close friends at my DCs school, I have known them pre the kids school days. If I approach any of them (there are 3) at school collection or pick up they will always be too busy to chat and having such a busy day that they've got to run, but if any of them decide that they want to chat as they have something to say then I am expected to listen for ages and talk for as long as they want to.

One night a week I go to a fitness class with another friend, again someone I've known for years. After the class sometimes she will want to stand around for ages and chat outside, and I'm expected to comply. Whilst if ever I want to chat and have something to tell her or to talk about she is in such a hurry and literally walks off to her car the second we get in the car park!

Also if I ever try to initiate anything at all that involves friends, then everyone is too busy, or cancels at the last minute, or ignores my texts. I do get invited to things but no one ever wants to come to anything that I organise. They all seem to go to things that others organise though! Last year I had a big birthday. A couple of months before another friend had a big birthday and loads of us from that friendship group went out for a meal and to the theatre. When it was my birthday I tried to arrange a night out. I sent a group text to 8 others and out of that only 1 replied and she then cancelled the week before!

AIBU to feel upset at this?

OP posts:

user1483749606 · 02/10/2017 12:49

You need to back away from these so called 'friends'. All of these relationships sound one way and not like you're getting anything from them.

Original poster

ItReallyWasNotMe · 02/10/2017 12:50

I'd have no friends then unfortunately and no social life :(

OP posts:

gorygloria · 02/10/2017 12:51

They don’t actually sound like friendships at all, they are just other women who you know. How long have you known them and how did you meet?

user1483749606 · 02/10/2017 12:52

I've been there and quite honestly it was the best thing I ever did. O we the years I have since built up a group of friends who actually care. However you could talk to them see whether they realise what they're dping..got to be honest though it sounds like they already do.

Original poster

ItReallyWasNotMe · 02/10/2017 12:52

I've known them from various places and all for at least 5 years +

OP posts:

pasturesgreen · 02/10/2017 12:56

I'm sorry to say, OP, but these people are really not your friends. They're using you and you can do so much better than that. Start having a look around for some nicer people and ditch the bitches!

splendidisolation · 02/10/2017 13:06

Interrupt them when they start and be like "hey im really sorry but i really have to dash. I want to catch up with your news though, so how about we go for a coffee/drink on...."

Appuskidu · 02/10/2017 13:07

They do not sound like friends.

MusicToMyEars800 · 02/10/2017 13:08

Just going to echo what all other PP's have said.
They are not your friends!! I would ditch them, I'd rather have no friends than fake friends.

Heavensabove3005 · 02/10/2017 13:11

100% this above.. honestly spend some time on your own, get used to your own company. Fake friends are a million times worse than having no friends.

ZenNudist · 02/10/2017 13:15

I dont get the 'expected to comply'. Just follow their lead and walk off.

Find new friends.

CorbynsBumFlannel · 02/10/2017 13:19

You are no more expected to listen to them than they are to you. If you want to head home just tell them you need to go and will catch up with them later and leave.
Don’t ditch them completely if you think it will leave you isolated but I would be on the lookout for some new, more reliable, friends who can give you more of their time.

Speckledtulip · 02/10/2017 13:19

I've said this before on other threads. Distance yourself from them, delete them from social media and open your heart to genuine people. Once you stop worrying about these fake friends, you'll have more energy to finding new friendships.
Honestly, I've been there and it's draining. You have to cut loose and trust in the fact that you'll find better people.

nutnerk · 02/10/2017 13:21

If I approach any of them (there are 3) at school collection or pick up they will always be too busy to chat

Also if I ever try to initiate anything at all that involves friends, then everyone is too busy, or cancels at the last minute, or ignores my texts.

You are not being unreasonable, but you are being extremely unrealistic!!! They're not your friends and they don't like you... sorry

skips5678 · 02/10/2017 13:23

I had a friend like this. She'd message me going 'hey, shall we meet on X at 11am?' or similar. She'd either:
Make up an excuse a day before as to why she couldn't come
Text me about 30 mins beforehand telling me she was 'hungover'
Not message me at all and completely ignore my messages
Turn up and tell me she was leaving within 20-30 mins because she was busy

Conversations were always on her terms as well. My messages would get ignored until she had something to say and then the messages would keep coming until I replied.

The last time I saw her was around 12 months ago and the time before that was in 2012.
I love my own company now. I have maybe 1 or 2 friends, don't see them often (maybe every few months) or so. It was lonely at first, but now I prefer my own company.

Nikephorus · 02/10/2017 13:27

After the class sometimes she will want to stand around for ages and chat outside, and I'm expected to comply. Whilst if ever I want to chat and have something to tell her or to talk about she is in such a hurry and literally walks off to her car the second we get in the car park!
Let her start speaking as usual first without indicating that you have news, then at an appropriate moment start your news - if she then finds an excuse to leave (assuming you're not going OTT on boredom news or having a monologue) you know she's not fussed about being friends. It shouldn't be one or the other of you talking, it should be a back & forth. Maybe when you start talking you do make it a monologue and that's where it goes wrong? Otherwise you need to start looking for better friends and drop this lot gradually.

Thinkingofausername1 · 02/10/2017 13:27

I have found this over the years. I'm sure it's based on how you look and what type of personality you have, if they want to be friends.
I was gutted the other day when I saw several mums from my dd year having coffee the other day.All these mums speak to me when on their own, but obviously embarrassed, to have me as part of their group. I understand how you feel.

OhThisbloodyComputer · 02/10/2017 13:33

@ItReallyWasNotMe

If it's any consolation, I have loads of 'friends' like that.

I always seem to be the one making the effort to go over to them.

Sometimes I cycled 8 miles to go for a drink with an ex work boss, only for him to be moody.

Another bloke is the same. I always go to see him. Then he's often in a mood, and he butts in all the time when I'm talking with pathetically fatuous comments.

Yes, I should be more assertive or whatever, but I like the company.

In both cases, if I make a joke or a dig back at them, they take it very badly.

I'm afraid I don't have any advice, but I do sympathise with how you feel, because I do something similar.

They do sap your energy though, don't they?

I don't think it's that they don't like you. (HOw can I be sure, because I don't know you). It might be that, because you are nice, they take you for granted. A lot of people are like that.

Anyway, you have my fullest sympathy as I've been there.

StaplesCorner · 02/10/2017 13:45

There's another thread about friendship issues on here today; I think more people are calling their 'friends' out now or at least saying to themselves hang on, this is a bit one sided. I am trying now to only have time for people who have time for me.

StaplesCorner · 02/10/2017 13:45

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3049051-To-be-upset-that-my-best-friend-wont-go-out-in-the-evenings-or-at-weekends

Thats the other thread

MinervaSaidThat · 02/10/2017 13:51

Why are you being so passive, OP?

'Expected to listen'
'Expected to comply'

You don't have to do anything. Find some backbone and stop letting people walk all over you.

Nikephorus · 02/10/2017 13:54

I think more people are calling their 'friends' out now or at least saying to themselves hang on, this is a bit one sided. I am trying now to only have time for people who have time for me.
I can see the point in this generally but some people on MN seem to forget that give and take should balance out over a period of time rather than being constant i.e. a friend might have been there for you a few months back but right now is struggling with their own stuff and needs to take a step back. Given time they'll be back again. It shouldn't be one-sided all the time, definitely, but friendships change and become different things to different people. I wonder if some posters expect friendships to remain the same the whole time? Someone can be a friend, but just not able to give the right sort of friendship that someone expects at a particular point in time.

parkednearby · 02/10/2017 13:57

Find some backbone and stop letting people walk all over you
The thing is, the OP is being polite, good-mannered and considerate, all of which are good qualities - and which her 'friends' seem to lack.

keepcalmandfuckon · 02/10/2017 13:57

I would distance myself and focus on finding new friends. Be more assertive as well. Walk away, say you're busy, ignore texts.
One of my close friends didn't turn up to my birthday. Instead she went to the pub and got drunk. For her birthday I bought her a lovely gift, turned up with wine, stayed late. I'll have to take a step back now. It was hurtful and I felt like a mug. Hugs to you op. I know it's hard.

Jjj25 · 10/10/2023 00:46

Sorry but those kinds of people are Not your friends.
I have had to come out of a long term said friendship because of the same issues.
Met a new partner tried to arrange nights out for the group of friends always no replies or no cannot attend, me being with a new partner or no new partner.
Yet always nearly always made effort to come to their events that they have planned in the past.
Feel for you and I hope you have found new friends ones that make time for your ideas and invites and events as you have for them.
It messes with your head when people make no room for you and only on their terms. Dump them and move on is my best advice.

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