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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be annoyed with DH?

17 replies

Ilovevegas · 02/10/2017 08:31

I am returning to work pt soon after finishing mat leave. Didn't really want to go pt (always worked full time) but logistics/commute/finance make this the only viable way.

My DH completely agreed with this as he will be doing pick ups from nursery/settle to bed 2 days a week as I work 13 hour shifts. He's already getting twitchy about how he'll manage when I'm at work not exactly a hands on dad

So in that respect he wants me to be part time, so why the passive aggressive comments constantly? He says things like 'the reason men die younger is because they're the main bread winner' & 'you do realise I'm putting a lot of money in the pit don't you?'

It's started to piss me off, when I say something 'he's joking' or I'm 'too sensitive'

I'm quite aware of how much he's 'putting in the pot' so don't need him to point that out!

AIBU?

OP posts:

Appuskidu · 02/10/2017 08:33

What a nob.

Ask him what he wants to happen? Would he rather you were full time so he didn't have to do any of the childcare-that's what it sounds like he's getting at?

splendidisolation · 02/10/2017 08:34

He sounds like a dick.

Teddy7878 · 02/10/2017 08:35

Sounds like he has a major issue with it and is resentful. He should have just been honest at the start and admitted he wouldn't ever want to be the main breadwinner. Don't let his shitty attitude make you feel guilty. You're doing what most other families have to do to get by

MammaTJ · 02/10/2017 08:35

I think this needs and honest and straightforward conversation, to avoid ongoing resentment building up on either or both sides.

You need to sit him down, explain you would rather be working full time and contributing more and it is very hurtful for him, when you are supposed to be in a partnership supporting each other, to make these comments even as a joke. Most jokes are only 'funny' because they are true!

And as for getting twitchy, he should have been more hands on, then the transition would be easier, so he only has himself to blame!

splendidisolation · 02/10/2017 08:36

Next time he does this I think you should turn around and be like "if you're going to make needling comments, at least have the balls to stand by them rather than passing them off as a joke. Is there a problem here? If so, lets talk about it now because im not prepared to be in a relationship with this kind of nastiness in the background". See what he does when you cal him on it.

Dulra · 02/10/2017 08:36

No on at all. Turn it back on him and say if he would prefer you could work ft and put more in the pot and he can go pt. Also work out how much childcare you are saving by going pt, also remind him how much salary you are losing by going pt. You need to nip this in the bud now because his attitude stinks

Fishface77 · 02/10/2017 08:40

What splendid said is perfect.
Wanker.
Stop it dead now op otherwise he'll be even more of a twat and use it as a stick to beat you with all your married life.

RedBlackberries · 02/10/2017 08:41

That's a shot attitude. You are going part time to raise a baby you both created.

Ask him if he thinks money is the biggest thing he contributes to your family/relationship and why he thinks it makes him superior.

Believeitornot · 02/10/2017 08:42

DOes he realise that a) this is his child as well that you're going PT for, not some sort of hobby horse for you....

That many dads man up and look after their kids and do drop off and pick ups?

I would ask him directly what his problem is.

Original poster

Ilovevegas · 02/10/2017 08:48

The thing is if I went full time he would have to do another pick up/settle to bed for DS, which he doesn't want to do, but would obviously prefer me to work full time go figure!

I've said he can't have it all ways but he always maintains he is joking. Money is very important to him, me less so.

We both worked out the difference for me being full time or part time & after nursery & fuel (70 mile round trip for me to go to work) it worked out an extra £150 a month which HE deemed not worth he hassle/stress.

The thing that pisses me off as well is that my mum is doing 1 day a week for us & saving us £225 a month yet I still have to put up with his shitty comments!

OP posts:

AlternativeTentacle · 02/10/2017 08:52

Can you tell him to shut the fuck up? One more comment and you will go full time, and it will be on him to start pulling his weight which incudes taking half the time off for illness and half the household stuff and half the childcare and you will expect the same 'me time' as him.

Believeitornot · 02/10/2017 09:02

I've said he can't have it all ways but he always maintains he is joking. Money is very important to him, me less so

Tell him calmly that it doesn't sound like he's joking and if he's joking, why is he repeating the joke over and over again.

Tell him that he agreed this arrangement and if he wants to do bedtime then fine. But unless he has any helpful suggestions then can he stop it.

SootSprite · 02/10/2017 09:11

Just tell him that his ‘jokes’ aren’t funny and that, if he continues to be such a twat he will end up having to do full time child care one night in the week and every other weekend.

Autumnskiesarelovely · 02/10/2017 09:19

Yes just keep telling him it's not funny. Every single time. Then tell him it's going to be hard for you too. Ask him if he wants to work as a team?

Say that we are very lucky you both have your mum. Repeat this as much as his jokes. Say how much it would cost if she didn't. Repeat this.

If he still keeps doing it talk about going full time.

Scroobius · 02/10/2017 09:34

Offer to give him an invoice for the extra childcare and housework you're going to be doing as PT. my DH went through a stage of "woe is me, I have to go to work and she's at home 2 extra days a week". He soon packed it in when I offered that either he could go PT or I could invoice him monthly for the money we were saving on childcare etc.

MatildaTheCat · 02/10/2017 09:40

Either tell him he's being a massive wanker or leave the room every single time he says this. Parenting is a JOINT venture. Like running a business, every person has a different role. You are equal partners in this and you refuse to put up with his stupid comments.

Go on, get angry or he will carry on this drip feed and give you serious resentment.

Original poster

Ilovevegas · 02/10/2017 11:18

Great advice, thanks! I definitely will be repeating about how much my mums helping out/saving us in the same passive aggressive way he does it to me!

Why would you be in agreement to it & then use it to make shitty comments?!? Makes no bloody sense to me

I don't believe he values what I do at home (i.e. everything!) someone's going to have a shock when I do go back

OP posts:

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