Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be a "grown-up work" catastrophe

22 replies

splendidisolation · 02/10/2017 07:35

Grown-up work, inspired by the term "wifework", and used to cover everything from managing money to paying tax, paperwork, etc.

I'm always late filing paperwork, paying bills, often accruing late fees. It takes me a good few weeks to open letters, another few weeks to complete the admin tasks outlined in the letters.
Hate answering calls from numbers I dont recognise. Let it go to voicemail and then never listen to them. Become conviced the letters and phone calls are people getting in touch to inform me I will be going to prison for unpaid bills (exagerrating, but you know what I mean).
Put off "scary" finance and tax related chores.

The result is huge stress and anxiety, more letters that I don't want to open. It's not even about not having the money to deal with stuff, it's just some weird kind of panic and phobia feeling. When I finally do it I feel as light as air.

My Mum said she was like this until she had kids.

Anyone the same? I hate being like this! Any advice?

OP posts:
PoorYorick · 02/10/2017 07:42

Use a calendar app to remind you to do things, set up direct debits and as for listening to voicemail messages and opening post, a big healthy dose of JFDI.

I know someone's going to suggest therapy for the obvious anxiety going on here and that likely does manifest itself elsewhere, but in the case of basic life tasks like this, honestly it is a reminder/JFDI situation. The more you JFDI, the easier it gets. True of many anxiety issues.

BaffledMummy · 02/10/2017 07:43

Yes here! I manage to hold down a very responsible job that requires me to respond instantly to emails, calls, requests etc. I am great at work..super efficient. An utter disaster at home and with personal admin.

A lot of what your wrote resonates, particularly the phone call anxiety. I currently have about 20 voicemails I haven't listened to. Every so often I get DH to listen to them and let me know if there is anything urgent I need to know.

I do wonder if because I have to be so switched on at work, that I use up all my admin effort there, leaving nothing left for home life.

I think it is just information overload and I don't cope very well with it!

Flowers for us OP! Can't give any advice but can offer my sympathy!

KinkyFruits · 02/10/2017 07:46

I'm exactly like the OP and if it was a matter of JFDI, it wouldn't be so hard! I set millions of reminders so it's not exactly an issue of forgetting either. It's sort of a willful forgetting. Anyway, not trying to hijack OP's thread but I feel like I could have written it 5 years ago. These days my DH deals with all of that stuff, not because he's the man but because we divide and conquer according to our strengths and preferences.

Oneggshellsallthetime · 02/10/2017 07:47

I'm the same, and always have been, but since I've been responsible for my own finances rather than having a husband to do all the essential but boring stuff have found the things that weigh heaviest on my mind are the things best tackled first. The relief that comes from facing them head on makes it easier to face the next hurdle. And the biggest plus is that you feel in control once you know where you stand. I am getting better but still have blips.

PoorYorick · 02/10/2017 07:50

If you have no husband to open your post or make an online transfer for you, JFDI is the next best thing.

turbohamster · 02/10/2017 07:54

I can't remember the last time I had to physically do something to pay a bill. Direct debits are your friend

topicOfTheDay · 02/10/2017 07:58

Set up a google calendar - run it from your phone / computer / any other device.

Print out monthly schedules.

ofudginghell · 02/10/2017 08:02

I'm normally pretty organised and sit down on my day off from work when dc are at school and dh at work and get out that weeks letters and all the folders I've itemised.
I open each letter and put them all in piles of stuff to just file,stuff to pay,stuff to fill in (schools etc)
Once I've done that I then deal with it all before filing and putting it away.

For the six weeks holidays I didn't get time as didn't have any time where it was quiet at home to sit and do this and it built up over the six weeks. I gave myself a bloody fear of opening the post Blush
I don't even know why because it's all normal stuff but it got to a point where I did t check online household account for weeks either which can be lethal Confused
The first week the kids weee back to to school I spent four hours just sorting through all the post and filing and got it back in order and have stuck to it so far.
It feels like an epic task when faced with but setting aside an hour a week on a set day really works for me.
Once I've done that weeks post and bills and filing I feel so much better.

BeyondThePage · 02/10/2017 08:03

Allocate half an hour a day for "stuff" - I do ours after the kids have gone to bed. I sit and open any post and either deal with it, make a plan of WHEN to deal with it or bin it. emails, same, phone messages, same.

If you get anxious about this stuff put a message on your answerphone
" splendidisolation is unavailable to take a phone call right now, please leave a message and I'll get back to you within 48hours" - and do so - when it is convenient to you and you are sat prepared.

Once a month allocate a couple of hours - check what needs doing - insurance/kids appointments/hair/doctor/vet/dentist/optician...

Trouble nowadays is there are too many balls to keep in the air at once - whilst still doing all the mundane day to day stuff.

(we have kids doing GCSEs - having to look round sixth forms, apply etc etc. as well as A levels and having to look round uni and accommodation etc. Life is a bitch at the moment!)

TyneTeas · 02/10/2017 08:04

It took me a couple of minutes of wondering to realise that JFDI wasn't perhaps a Myers-Briggs type or some personal organiser app BlushGrin

ArcheryAnnie · 02/10/2017 08:06

I'm the same, OP. I can sort out other people's forms, etc, no problem, but not my own. And I do, eventually, but not without massive anxiety.

I have as much as possible on direct debit. It helps.

guilty100 · 02/10/2017 08:16

Your problem isn't that you can't get organized by the sounds of things. You know what you should be doing. Your problem is that you're so scared of this whole situation that it feels emotionally easier to avoid it than to deal with it.

The one thing I can tell you, as someone who has bad problems with avoidant behaviour, is that avoiding things ultimately wastes more energy and makes you feel worse about yourself than dealing with them ever will.

Get yourself into a routine where you force yourself to do one job when you get in from work. Today's job is to open all unopened mail and to sort it into a "to do" pile, a "to file" pile, and a "bin" pile. Tomorrow's job is to make a list from the "to do" pile of what you have to do and to do one thing a day until you're on top of everything. Honestly, just a few minutes a day and you will be sorted out here. And you'll feel great about yourself. Flowers

Runningbutnotscared · 02/10/2017 08:21

I had a huge problem listening to voicemails, like you OP I'm generally convinced they are people hasseling me to do something I don't want to - so I switched them off 😃

opheliacat · 02/10/2017 08:22

I can really sympathise with this, as it happens.

The good news is that once you start to do it, it becomes a positive habit.

ZippyCameBack · 02/10/2017 08:35

I really hate opening bills, so I check balances and make payments regularly online. Somehow it feels better and I can keep on top of everything. And as others have said, DD on everything possible helps.

Pistachiois50pmore · 02/10/2017 08:35

I used to be exactly like this when I was in a debt/anxiety spiral.

Set up direct debits for as much as poss.

Get an online banking app on your phone so you know your balance. If you have recently checked it it's not so scary to check again - it's only if you leave it for ages.

Turn off paper bank statements for anything you can do online, the paper ones just mount up and look scary, and they aren't even that useful in this day and age.

It's okay to screen calls. Tell friends and family know that you get looooooads of spam calls so if they call and you don't pick up, they should send a text asking you to call them back.

If you can, set up visual voicemail on your phone - you can see who the voicemails are from, how long they are (i.e. my dad's are always 6 seconds "hi babe, never mind, i'll catch up with you another time" so i call him back without listening to the voicemail usually), or you can delete without listening, or just listen to the first couple of seconds and delete.

Use a calendar app to get organised. I really like Wunderlist because I can have separate to-do lists for different things.

Archfarchnad · 02/10/2017 08:45

Some great ideas here, such as direct debits and calendar apps. I would reinforce that positively be giving yourself a small 'treat' whenever you get some admin done and dusted. That might be a small bit of make up. - choccie bar (if not on a diet), a book, a film on Netflix, whatever. The more you associate admin with positive experiences, the easier it will be in the future and the treats will hopefully gradually become less necessary (or not, whatever, but at least the admin gets done).

Kazzyhoward · 02/10/2017 08:47

At the very least, stop putting off the "new" stuff that comes in. Open your new post daily and deal with new telephone calls as they happen. Don't put it off, just deal with it, whether it's paying a bill, completing a form, or whatever. At least, then, your "backlog" isn't getting worse. And dealing with each day as it happens is perfectly do-able.

Then, once you're successfully dealing with new/current stuff, you can start to chip away at your backlog - maybe just one bill or form or phone call per day from your "outstanding" matters. After a few weeks you'll be caught up.

You'll never ever catch up if you keep trying to make lists, and work through your backlog from the oldest first - you won't be motivated because you'll still have it in your mind that you're ignoring the new/current stuff, so it will be a never reducing "pile" which will just feed your anxiety and keep you demotivated.

Far better to draw a line under the past. Deal with new stuff quickly and efficiently as soon as it happens, which stops things getting worse. That'll help reduce your anxiety and give you a warm feeling. Only then can you go back to before the line and start chipping away at it.

As others have said, get your bills, car tax renewals, insurance renewals, etc., all done automatically via direct debits. You'll then know they're paid and you won't have to worry about forgetting to renew/pay, etc. Yes, I know it's not very "money saving" and you should be getting comparison quotes, etc., but you've bigger problems at the moment, i.e. the fines and missing deadlines which have to take priority. Once you've got control, you'll then have time to shop around, etc., next time around.

I speak from experience. I run my own business and was "waaay" behind with my own administration. I had piles of unopened post, piles of documents waiting to be filed, constantly fire fighting and having to be reactive only to the clients who shouted the loudest. It was a very stressful, costly and anxious few years. I'd spend hours looking at the piles of stuff but not actually doing anything with it! I turned it around by just putting all the piles of paperwork and everything else in a side room and shut the door on it. Then I adopted to "one touch" approach to everything new, whether post or emails or phone calls - I either dealt with it there and then, same day, if it needed attention (none of this putting it on a list to do tomorrow!), or if it didn't need doing, I binned it there and there. So my working day became entirely orientated around what post, emails and phone calls I received that day only. Obviously, some of the older stuff became urgent and got dealt with same day, when I received a reminder or irate phone call etc. Over a few weeks, because I was keeping up to date with new stuff and reminders for older stuff, there was less and less that was overdue and I started to have spare time in each day, which I then used, at the end of each day once my new work had been done, to start to chip away at my side room, which was then mostly just filing or shredding. I've never gone back to the old ways. Still, some years later now, do everything immediately when I get it, which means a massive reduction in documents, emails, phone calls, etc as nothing is outstanding, so no reminders, final demands, etc.

splendidisolation · 02/10/2017 09:06

So much great advice, thank you!

@Kazzyhoward you particularly, as I also have my own small business.

OP posts:
minipie · 02/10/2017 09:19

I have this, but with work tasks rather than personal admin.

I find the key thing is just making a start. Don't tell yourself you'll get all your filing done this morning - that is huge and will put you off. Just say you'll sort the top two letters. Once those are done, and it wasn't so bad, it's easier to keep going.

Wallywobbles · 02/10/2017 09:34

I have quite a significant open air filing system and only file things away permanently about 2x a year maximum.

I have filing trays rather than piles for:
Dumping opened/unopened everything
New stuff
To do
Active (things that are ongoing-waiting for a response or a paper to be sent or whatever)
School stuff
Accountant
Husband
Tax
Filing (for stuff that's waiting for the annual file)

I recently moved from a house where I had a filing room and had to condense it massively. I've learnt what documents actually have to be kept legally. Scanned everything possible using scannable app and Evernote. It's made a massive difference.

ZippyCameBack · 02/10/2017 09:47

For business filing, I pin unpaid invoices to a cork pinboard above my desk. They taunt me until paid, then they go in a cardboard folder thingy which lives on a shelf under my desk. When the folder is full, it is moved to a huge plastic storage box in a corner of my bedroom. I fill about one folder a month and mark the month/year on the outside. Bank statements are the only paperwork I need for my accounts, since I import the online stuff direct to my Kashflow account. So I pin each (unopened since I check online daily) bank statement to my pinboard and they are then where I need them when I have the energy to fully update the accounts. This is usually once a quarter and the used bank statements can then be filed too.
It's only a system in the loosest possible sense of the word, but I know where to find everything and I keep up to date with my payments.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page