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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or does DM need to get over herself?

14 replies

PaulDacresButtPlug · 02/10/2017 05:42

My estranged father is dying overseas. Cancer. He and DM divorced over 40 years ago.

I went out to see DF (I won't go into the details of why he was / is estranged as it will take forever!) last week, leaving DH looking after DS and also working (he was up at 5 every day to get a full 8 hours in, he works from home.) It was harrowing and frustrating, a very difficult time, for myself last week too - I have a lot to sort out, both emotionally and practically.

DM lives down the road and didn't offer to help at all - she knows the full situation and also knew DH would be struggling to fit everything in.

She was throwing a family party at our house ( because it's bigger) on the Saturday and DH, realising what I was going through on the other side of the world, realised it was no longer appropriate so asked her if she could either cancel or have it at her own house. I would have been due to arrive back in the middle of the party. The party was arranged a while ago but the situation with my dad only came up a fortnight ago.

DM not been in touch since I came back, and is apparently 'very upset' that DH said the party could no longer be held at our house. I know her well enough to know this is a 'stony silence'. I think there are currently far more important things going on, and to have the party at ours was not appropriate.

I also think that, for once, she could have made more effort with regards to helping with DS (5) - she only helps if it suits her, so not very often, but it would have been good of her to make an effort this time surely, due to the circumstances?

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 02/10/2017 05:47

Yanbu. Sorry for everything you're going through but glad you at least have the support of dh.

PastaOfMuppets · 02/10/2017 05:49

Your DM doesn't sound particularly supportive or helpful, but your DH does. I'm sorry for your current situation. Flowers

troodiedoo · 02/10/2017 05:53

Sorry to hear your situation. Your dm is not impressive. I'd be reducing contact after this.

UnRavellingFast · 02/10/2017 05:53

So sorry for what you're going through. Your mother is being very unreasonable and unkind.

Original poster
PaulDacresButtPlug · 02/10/2017 05:57

Thanks for the replies.
She's a funny bugger is DM. In some ways she can be very helpful or thoughtful but, Ive realised, only when it suits her. She is also NEVER wrong, and is incredibly stubborn.
If she had been more helpful during the week DH may have been more open to the idea of the party, depending also on what I said, but how she was during the week did not make either of us want to do her any favours.
I feel that, in situations like this, it makes a hell of a difference if people are thoughtful and considerate. I don't think it would have been that big a leap for her to have realised herself that perhaps the party at ours wasn't a good idea any more, but no... that was a step too far!

OP posts:
Original poster
PaulDacresButtPlug · 02/10/2017 06:00

She did send me a few supportive messages when I was away, although she didn't say goodbye or anything. (We had a slight fall out as I asked her to take me to the passport office as I needed to renew my passport as it had less than 6 months on it. She said she couldn't as she was meeting someone 'for cake' on one of the days and planned to ice the cake for the party the other day. She reluctantly added that she could rearrange the cake icing at a push, which really just wound me up - I had to sort things asap as time was of the essence.)

OP posts:
Original poster
PaulDacresButtPlug · 02/10/2017 06:01

And yes, DH has been brilliant!

OP posts:
Bachingupthewrongtree · 02/10/2017 06:21

I think you need to sit down with her and have a full and frank chat. She may have unresolved issues regarding your father. If she struggled to bring you up alone, she may feel hurt that you have 'let her down' at the 11th hour over something that was important to her. I suspect she feels hurt and rejected.

I am not saying she is right by the way, but I suspect that is how she feels.

Original poster
PaulDacresButtPlug · 02/10/2017 06:25

That sounds good in theory but she's not the most open to discussing anything where she may be in the wrong.

She didn't bring me up alone either, she met someone else shortly after she and DF split (she has been married and divorced three times in total.)

OP posts:
picklemepopcorn · 02/10/2017 06:31

What a great DH!

Hopeless DM. Just ignore it. It's her problem. You and DH have behaved entirely appropriately. If she has an issue she needs to raise it in an adult fashion. Pretend you haven't noticed.

Original poster
PaulDacresButtPlug · 02/10/2017 06:34

Thanks Pickle. I kind of am at the moment, ignoring it I mean. Although she doesn't appear to be in any great rush to see me either, which I find quite awful all things considering. (I am not normally like this, honest!)

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 02/10/2017 06:54

Ignore her. If she cannot support her child when her child’s father is dying, she really doesn’t deserve any head space. Inconsiderate. Unkind. I’d be reducing contact.

WhoPoppedMyBalloon · 02/10/2017 09:09

Ignore. Carry on with life. She'll be in touch when she needs something.

notarehearsal · 02/10/2017 09:34

When I went through a terrible trauma a few years ago my ex PIL were more concerned that their holiday to Scotland could clash with the funeral I had to arrange for their GS. A wise person said to me that the way people act during a crisis shows their inherent character. At other times people have time to think and work out what is socially expected of them. Your DM doesn't sound a kind person. I'm sorry you are going through this

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