I am hurt by DDs

[StressedtoHellandback]

I was married but due to ExH's conduct and lack of earning I decided t split and go it alone with my DCs then aged 1 and 2.
During the first five years in particular ExH caused so much havoc in our lives. DCs were too youg to understand then. He refused to pay any child support. His demands were so ridiculous the Courts refused him access. He took it to Court and he blamed me for the refusal. He made my life difficult and the lives of the DCs and other family members.
Once the DCs were of age to understand I told them what happened and showed them the letters and other things I had to support what I was saying. They read them and even made comments about how they could see indications of why people had been stupid to believe ExH comments and accussations.
This is now many years later. ExH reappeared after the DCs were over 18 and out of education. Since he reappeared he seems to me to be the favoured parent despite never having taken responsibility for the DCs and failing in any form of support.
He has been spreading gossip around the family like an old woman.
The situation is now so bad that none of my children are speaking to each other. I am not happy with their conduct in being unable to understand that this is not a nice person and that I was there all through their lives. I worked hard and put them first. I am now living alone. I was a single parent all those years but although I am still a mother I describe myself as being alone.
Now one DC has turned very nasty. This is the one who does not have a nice word for any of us but wont hear a word again her AF (absent father). This is the one who has been violent to the other DC who was pregnant at that time. There has also been violence to me. This DC is very nasty in word and deed. Their child, DGC age 6 is now starting to use the same verbal abuse. I have noted that the nastiness of all descriptions are targetted at females and children only and never at father or partner who is not the biodad is as lacking in earnings as the father was.
I really feel like stopping seeing people or going away for months of holiday just to get peace. I am so sad because neighbours have noticed and spoken out against my DCs. I have also had strangers make comment on the verbal abuses that I get. I am so worried about this child DGC who is beginning to act up with verbal abuse.
I dont know what to do so any advice welcome. I am at the end of my rope with all this.
Please help

Thats heartbreaking, I draw the line at violence and would go no contact with the violent child. I'd even consider moving to make a fresh start.
You deserve a life of your own that hasn't been tainted by your nasty ex.

What an awful situation. If it was a husband the obvious thing would be to LTB. I dont think any violence should be tolerated at all but coming from what was probably a DD it is so much worse. I dont think you can say this is a DD now. Such horrible things to do. Violence to a pregnant woman is really bad. I do think that you need to put some space between and D and you. You have to be safe. There is at least one child in this situation too.
Please take care and protect yourself.

difficult one though... obviously violence is never good....end of sentence.

on other aspects tho... you left because of "conduct and lack of earning"... bit vague and slightly mercenary. then "as soon as they were old enough", you sat down and spelt out to them in black and white why you felt their father was such a scumbag, while at the same time not letting them see him and form their own opinions... the reality is that, now as adults, they are free to do that and listen to his side of the story and maybe draw their own conclusions.

Maybe, if nothing else, they are only now reacting to the negative campaign that you waged when they were minors...maybe exH has provided some context which they believe mitigates some of what you said and puts it in a different light, as well as you interpretation of it, which then paints you as manipulative.

you appear to have this fixation with "earnings" which is not the be all and end all of anything, but may well be clouding your judgement, and, if you have voiced this, may again, be painting you in a negative light.

further, you seem to be playing the martyr card of being all lonely and hurt (which to some degree may be right) but it can be tiring to have a relationship with someone like that (assuming you actively express how hurt and lonely you are)...you aren't defined by your children... if you are lonely, do something about it.

sorry of all this seems harsh and i certainly don't mean to patronise or anything like that, but there are always at least two sides to every story and it seems like now that your exH is able to tell his, they have formed their own opinions which you can either accept or not. Take a break from all the drama and see what happens...

Justmature - I think you have missed a few points.
Conduct and lack of earnings - yes vague and not the normal description used on MN. Cocklodger is more often used on MN. I just dont like that word. He did not earn, he ran up debts, he would do nothing in the house and was bumming about his house and his car which were actually mine. I worked and provided and got sick of doing that for someone who could not do anything.
When the DCs could understand the Court papers and other letters I showed them why I was a single parent. I did not make the decision that the DCs could not see him. The Courts did when he took the matter there.
I did not wage a negative campaign about anything. The facts are there to be read. I did not say the father was a scumbag, he should not have been, his background was known to me.
I am not lonely because I live alone. I have friends and relatives, but a limited number of children. I have not discussed how I feel about this with the DCs as it is something from way back. I dont want to relive that life I want to look forwards.
Having had a cocklodger in my house and life I decided that was not what I wanted. It is not what I wanted for my DCs either. Surely no mother would want that for their daughter. As you say they are adults and can chose for themselves. If they chose to have a cocklodger and I chose not to want one anywhere in my life they should understand that it is not my financial problem.
In short I did not decide to keep children from the father. He got angry when the Court decided on my side. He proved his lack of parenting by failing to pay maintenance. He does a great job of conning people and has a lovely line in emotional manipulation which is precisely why he got into my life and was divorced from my life.
Do you actually think that I should have praised an absent and non contributary, in any shape or form, father?
Violence is unacceptable in any shape or form.

fair enough...

no i don't think you should have praised him, that's not what i'm saying... but what you have described about him doesn't add up (albeit in my head) to a reason why the courts would totally refuse him access which suggests there may be more to the story.... without that it's difficult to know what to say.

at the emotional baseline tho, i imagine his story is that you took the kids away and wouldn't let him see them... it's up to them how much of that they believe...

Sadly, your child may have inherited characteristics of your ex-H.

Just as you say your ex-H should not have been as he was, as he had a nice upbringing, you can only do so much to ensure your DC are lovely people. No matter what, some people will not end up being nice, sorry it has happened to your DC.

Justmature

The reason the Court went against him as far as I understood was that he showed no understanding of little children. I do not know what was in the head of the judge. I dont think I took in what happened that day I was so stressed. I did as I was told by a Judge because I would have been too scared to disobey. What he did after that showed very clearly that he was more about trying to control me than any desire to see DCs. I am concerned that he is now accessing DGC when he was legally kept away from his own DCs
Talkbout
I have wondered about how much the DCs have somehow inherited attitudes from AF/ExH. I also wonder why they cant seem to see through him. I didnt think they were so gullible but they do seem to be suckers for sob stories. As much as I tried to show my DCs good manners etc it all seems to have gone. It was never said to me but I do think his parents could have been disappointed in his ways. He apparently did the same to another wife. ExH and DCs seem to have gone into Social Decay or Inverted Snobbery as someone else said to me. Not altogether sure what that means in real life. I would have wished a better life for each DC.
I am going to be through this at some time in the future. I think I will do my best to follow DJBaggy's post. I cant change adults but I can change my life and a fresh start sounds like an interesting thought for the future
Thanks for your views everyone

at the emotional baseline tho, i imagine his story is that you took the kids away and wouldn't let him see them... it's up to them how much of that they believe

Of course that's what his story will be! He's hardly going to tell them the truth, that he was a no-good, lazy, manipulative arsehole. Why oh why do we still have people sticking up for these feckless deadbeat fathers? The minute he's back in his DDs lives, look at the carnage he's caused...just as OP said he did all those years ago.

OP if I were you, I'd take a step back from it all, let them get on with it, it won't be long til he'll upset the DDs and maybe then they'll see his true colours.

‘Lacking in earning as the father was’ ... why are you so focused on money as a deal breaker?
Other than that, it sound a really shit situation

Sorry I should have RTF

Was it an arranged marriage?

Jenna
Thanks, you have got the picture.

I did not take the DCs away, we remained in my house and I threw him out. So the above statement is so wrong that I took the DCs away.
He is everything you said and very underhandedly sly too. He is acting up as the invalid again. He told me years ago that he had cancer trying to get me to take him back. Misfired I didnt fancy being a nursemaid on top of everything else.
I am taking a step back. I really like the above idea to start a new life away from all that was tainted by the nasty ExH. The DCs are adults with DCs of their own and should stand on their own now.

Beatrice
I am not money focused. He was more focused on MY money. He put nothing at all into the marriage, house, children.

Sloe
It was not an arranged marriage. It was more of a confidence trick by him and I think his family too. I think they were glad to unload him. When I threw him out they pleaded with me and my family to get him back in my house.