Mother in Law problems.

[JadeA021]

I've just seen a post about mother in law problems and i'm currently having my own so I thought I'd see what other people think and see whether i'm being unreasonable.

So I've been with my partner for 2 years (not long I know) and we have a little boy together, I've known his mum for a while before I started dating her son and she has never liked me or my family.
Since we got our own home together my mother in law has basically point blank refused to come to the house and visit her grandson unless she is some what put in a position where she has to, and even then she makes it pretty clear that she doesn't want to be there. So unless we go to her house she doesn't see him or her son baring in mind she lives 20 minutes away and works around the corner.
My partners brother and his wife also have a young son around the same age and we get along great and she lives a good hour away from us both (walking) but that doesn't stop my mother in law going and visiting her every chance she gets?
She does nothing but bad mouth me and my family when she rings my partner and always seems to put everyone and everything else before me, my partner and her grandson including partners that she has only been with a couple of weeks and I've finally had enough and told my partner that until she changes her ways and apologises then I refuse to speak to her and I refuse to let my son near her, he thinks that i'm being unreasonable but i'm at my wits end with her?

What do people think?

I would count yourself lucky that she does not come round. If she is being rude to you or about you then I would not be having any contact with her.

I think you are totally reasonable. If your DP wants to see her he can visit but no reason why you should go too and it's her loss if she doesn't see her GC.

i'm glad i'm not being unreasonable, I mean he is starting to see what she is like and he is starting to come around when she doesn't contact him in weeks but then just as he's about to call it quits with her she gets in contact and acts like she cares. I understand its a two way street but surely after us making the effort for so long and her not being interested then surely we should be allowed to step back without being made out to be bad people, I saw we but she puts the blame on me 100% of the time. He recently told her that we were trying for another baby which coincidentally so are my partners brother and his wife, and her exact words were 'I don't think you should have another child because lets face it your relationship with her isn't going to last and your brother is having another baby soon so I think you should let them have there's first if it does happen.' I mean I've been in tears over it and I feel guilty for ranting at him about her but she is such a horrible women.

Step back and feel no guilt or sadness whatsoever. You have summed her up perfectly - she's horrible. I am NC with my MIL. After years of trying, I've realised it's the only option. It's sad, but sometimes things just don't work out. This is not about you: this is her problem.

Don't stress about what she's saying to others or how the rest of your DP's family sees this. Explain it to them if you must. They will understand. If they don't. that's their loss. Life is too short to treated badly. Protect yourself and your children from this woman. Your DP can see her on his own if he wants to / can take the children.

Don't be a doormat & don't put up with it. Distance yourself. You will be much happier in the long term, trust me! :-)

She doesn't want to speak to you or visit her grandson and you want to punish her by not speaking to her or letting her see her grandson?

I don't get it.

What I would do is stop giving her any head space. Leave her and her son to have a relationship and be out on the odd occasion she does come round.

@MaidOfHulaHoopz that's the other thing, the rest of my partners family like is Nan and Auntie and the rest all live in London and they religiously contact us and ask how he is and they love all three of us, its just his mother. I am going to distance myself and stop trying completely I think maybe then she might realise that what she is doing is wrong.

@DailyMailReadersAreThick I have done, the last time she came up which was around a month ago I went into town and took my son with me. I just don't want her to think that she can pick and choose when she see's him and YOYO in and out of his life like she has being doing because its not fair on him:(

Unless there is a back story as to why she doesn't like you or your family then I would go nc with her. Dp can see her at her house but if he wants to take ds too I wouldn't prevent that.

That's the thing there isn't a back story or if there is she wont tell us what It is and I don't have a clue. I know I shouldn't stop her from seeing DS but if she doesn't want to make the effort in being in his life then I just don't understand why she should have the pleasure of watching him grow:( I feel awful for thinking it but I cant help it.

Just let your DP take him to visit his Mum, leave them to sort it out, enjoy the break when he goes!

It's fine for your DS to have a fairly distant relationship with the woman.

There must be a reason why she doesn't like you and why she doesn't like your family.

I think you need to find out what the reason is.

I think a compromise here ( as your partner thinks YABU ) is that he takes the child to visit her and makes sure she never badmouths you in front of him.

I think I might have too and then I might be less of a bad person. I've tried for nearly 2 years to find out the reason that she doesn't like me or my family and everytime I ask her she either denys it and says that she doesn't have a problem with us (and then continue to bad mouth my family) or she changes the subject. she will not let up on why she has so much of a problem. I'll take everyones advice and let my DP take him to see her when he does and then distance myself from her.

When she is bad mouthing what is she actually saying?

I get what you mean about her not deserving the pleasure but your dp should have the right to take his child to his family.

So she disliked your entire family even before you started seeing her son?

There has to be a reason. I didnt like one of my cousins girlfriends. Neither did the rest of the family. Because she was well done in our local area as a thug. She had hospitalised 2 girls in the 6 months before she startes dating him. The family was well known for drug dealing and always being in trouble with the police. Even then we swollowed our concern and just got on with it.

I bet someone knows. Probably your dp.

Yanbu to not want anything to do with her, though. Stopping her seeing your son, might be a step to far. I would just let your dp do it.

Try to not let it bother you, stop worrying about why she doesn’t like you. Concentrate on those family members you do get on with, invest your time in them and build on positive relationships.

Enjoy your DP & DS and building a family together.

I agree with this who have suggested you leave DP to it, don’t make any effort to see her yourself.

Try not talk about her to your DP too much, and ask him not to divulge personal details of your life to her (trying to conceive) the less she knows the less she can judge.

That I have a reputation and Basically that she doesn't understand why her son would want to start a family with someone like me, that our relationship is nothing but a Joke that isn't going to last, that will get bored of him soon and take everything away from him. I've only ever had one serious relationship before my DP so I don't understand why she would say anything like that. This is over the space of two years. I may be overreacting with not wanting to speak to her.

So you do know the reasons.

But these reasons have no basis and yet she has a problem with your while family?

Something doesnt add up

Ahhh one of those mums. What does your dp say when she says stuff like that to him?

I think it would be perfectly reasonable to step back and not have anything to do with her.

Using your child as a punishmenttool ? Not so much.

she does nothing but bad mouth me and my family

Why? What does she say?

That I have a reputation

Where did she get that idea from?

I am in this situation but the other way round. It profoundly saddens me that there are so many MiL/ DIL conflicts featured on here as it’s so painful for both sides.
How can loving my son be such an issue. My DIL comes from a family that are at best feckless and have seriously let her down. She hasn’t seen her Mother since she was young, when she chose to live with her Father after their acrimonious divorce. There is a huge back log of failures in their family relationships.

She herself is a really beautiful, intelligent and kind caring person, but unfortunately not to me. Her family have seriously screwed her up.I feel profoundly sorry for her. To her I am......well I am not absolutely sure.

My problem appears to be that I am her husband’s Mother and as he loves me.....and why not , as I am a devoted and loving Mother. ..I am barely tolerated by her. As a mother I am also worried for my son. Your first instinct is to protect your children from pain isn’t it?

It’s so hard as I would do anything to get on with her as I am well aware that tension between a MiL and DiL can cause issues within a marriage. I have given them lots of money and helped with renovating their house, kept my mouth shut etc but nothing helps.

If I have to stay I take my own bedding, I bring lovely food from Waitrose .....not without checking if it’s OK with her. I constantly say ‘ is there anything I can do ?
It’s all to no avail.
My son also needs to be seen to be on her side, as any support, kind remark about me, from him, leads to accusations from her, that he loves me over her. I have told him not to say anything nice about me to her as she is so riven with jealousy. I am not in the slightest bit jealous of her and I don’t want to hang on to him.
My own family is very close and all my children have had the benefit of a loving family. My DilL didn’t benefit from the same upbringing.

All I can do is behave naturally and be as kind as possible. I would like to keep away for her sake, but my son loves his mum and dad and is constantly inviting us to their house and loves to be with us. I don’t think my DiL can cope with this situation. It’s such a shame as her behaviour drives us away ( she sulks and we get the cold treatment ) as she is unable to communicate openly and honestly.

When I ask her ‘ please tell me what I have done so that I can amend my behaviour and not do whatever it is again, she can’t.

I can’t carry in with this as I am in the last few decades of my own life. She will deprive any future children of two people who would love them unconditionally.
What has my post got to do with the OP.....well nothing really, except that she can only do what I am doing which is keep my mouth shut, try to minimise my visits and get on with my own life.
I think the OP’s MiL is totally out of order badmouthing her. There really is no excuse for it.
However, if you read all the books about the dynamics/ psychology etc, the MiL/DiL relationship is one of the most difficult ones to negotiate successfully.
We are women, we have lots in common, why do these problems arise? Well I know because I have read the research. My DiL according to my son, wont.
I know that in my case, however hard one side tries, their effort needs to be met half way. If this can’t happen, then it’s best to keep away. It’s very sad. I say to her “ I am no Angel and I am more than willing to take the blame for anything you think I have done ......but I can’t undo being her DH’s mother .....and there lies the rub,
Also the problem is between a MiL and DiL not between a son. I don’t want to discuss our problems with him or involve him, as it pulls his loyalty in all directions. His duty in now towards his new wife.
Sorry for highjacking this post and ranting but i feel so sad.
Usually the advice on Mumnet involving any MiL/ DiL is vitriolic and often they say it’s your husbands problem to sort out. But when the problem is between the MiL and DiL how is it his problem?
Surely the advice should be, read some books about the relationship, try and empathise and communicate with her calmly, without looking for blame.
At some point, if you have children you will be a MiL and believe me it’s not easy. Its surely not your job to deprive your children of loving grandparents either

I know my Dil has MH problems stemming from her family upbringing, I am being punished for existing, It’s so unfair.