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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

Disappointed in DB

19 replies

snowballkitty · 01/10/2017 13:01

Nc for this as outing. My db and I have always been close. When he went to uni he struggled with money as he has no self discipline I.e if invited to the pub he'll just go and ask me for money for food/bills rather than say sorry I can't afford it. I always lent it to him and he always paid it back in full when his next student finance came through. Not an issue really except I would even lend it if it meant I was living on credit cards for a while, leaving myself struggling. My fault but I was trying to be a good big sister and I know what it's like to be scratching around for money.

Anyway, he's now finished uni and is working full time. Albeit in low paid work til he gets a 'proper job' (yeah he's a snob like that and thinks this job is beneath him). I was in a bind this week and couldn't pay an urgent unexpected expense (lost purse; cancelled cards). I asked him for a short loan.

He got really nasty on WhatsApp, said it was my own fault and that he didn't believe I would pay it back. He then said he didn't have it when I knew he'd been paid 4 days before. We had a huge row and he just laughed at me, called me stupid etc and said some really nasty things.

This isn't really an AIBU. I just wanted to get it down because I'm so disappointed in him. The amount I asked for was small and would have been paid back by 4th october. In the end I had to borrow from my DM who is away on holiday and use her card for the expense.

Both of us live with DM. He has agreed to pay rent but dodges it. Doesn't do any housework or cooking. Normally I pay the majority of bills so end up subsidising him as he doesn't contribute. And the final straw this morning was he's left an almighty shit in the toilet which is stinking the house out and hes gone out

I know I can't do anything about it. It's just pretty horrible when someone you're close to and have helped out one sided a lot throws it back in your face

OP posts:

yantantethermetherpimp · 01/10/2017 13:07

That is really disappointing I agree. You know what to say when he next asks for a loan don't you?

Is there any prospect of you moving into your own place? You sound like you have a big heart but you don't have to prop up your family.

MatildaTheCat · 01/10/2017 13:21

That's not nice at all. Can you concentrate on getting yourself somewhere else to live? Sounds like it's time and your do needs to toughen up, she's doing him no favours if he learns you can live for free.

Appuskidu · 01/10/2017 13:23

Well, you won't be lending him any money in future then, will you!

Sounds like you could do with a credit card for dire emergencies so you don't have to ask others for loans.

Original poster

snowballkitty · 01/10/2017 14:05

I do have a credit card but blocked it because of losing my purse.

I probably should move out. I have looked at it but I'm dealing with MH issues and I think id get lonely. I like the company of my mum and pets. Just not my brother maybe I'll convince mum to make him move out instead!

OP posts:

Appuskidu · 01/10/2017 14:06

Can't you have a credit card but just keep it locked up in the house?

TheCatsMother99 · 01/10/2017 14:10

You and your mum (and whoever else) need to stop giving him a free or easy ride. He's got away till now with not paying for stuff he should or not paying his share.

DM needs to stop letting him get away rent free and you need to stop paying for the majority of the bills. Stop it now and see how he copes.

Original poster

snowballkitty · 01/10/2017 14:38

I don't think mum will come down hard on him. He's youngest/only boy/golden child and let's him away with a lot.

OP posts:

Original poster

snowballkitty · 01/10/2017 16:27

Just spoke to DM while she's abroad. She says she's staying out of 'our' dispute. I'm going to have to leave aren't I

OP posts:

AtrociousCircumstance · 01/10/2017 16:29

Just never loan money to him again. And try to separate from him now. Focus on relationships outside of the house.

Original poster

snowballkitty · 01/10/2017 16:30

I don't have any. MH and living in a rural area equals isolation. Sad really.

OP posts:

yantantethermetherpimp · 01/10/2017 16:36

You're in a tricky situation. Would it be possible to flat share so you have company? Is there a town that is near enough your work where there might be flat shares available?

It's tough when you're dealing with MH issues. Are you receiving any help?

RB68 · 01/10/2017 16:36

Give her the choice - someone who pays the rent or someone that doesn't. If you stay local you can still see her etc but just not have to deal with brother fall out

Shamoo · 01/10/2017 16:38

If you have a good relationship with your mum generally, and like living at home, it seems best to stay there and simply start paying only your share of the bills and never lend your brother any money ever again. If your brother continues to sponge off your mum, leave them to it: it seems to be something repeated over and over again in many families that I know (a son being allowed to get away with all sorts by an enabling mother while a daughter pays her own way).

Original poster

snowballkitty · 01/10/2017 17:02

Shamoo if I stay I can't do that I always subsidise any shortfall in bills. So it's leave my poor mum in the lurch or make her choose. As far as I can see anyway.

My mum will struggle to pay her bills as she's fought to keep her house after my father left. He keeps laying claim on it. So she can't sell. For now it is literally me paying the (considerable) shortfall or me moving out and leaving her to deal with the shortfall alone. If I pay it when I'm already moved out I'm worse of anyway!

OP posts:

Moanyoldcow · 01/10/2017 17:11

Ok. I know I sound harsh, but why are you taking on problems that aren't yours?

You pay rent (whatever's agreed) and a share (I imagine a third?) of the bills to your mum. That's all you have to do. DO NOT subsidise him and when he doesn't pay it's your mum's problem, not yours.

You lending him money in the past was your choice and it was kind, but it wasn't a quid pro quo agreement - he has no obligation to lend you anything. He's a shit for not helping you but learn from it and move passed it.

In your situation I'd be looking to move out - it doesn't sound like a particularly supportive environment anyway for your MH issues. If that's really not what you want to do then you need to agree amounts and if your mum is short it's your brother and nkt you she needs to go to.

Moanyoldcow · 01/10/2017 17:12

You NEED to make her choose - why is he more important than you?

Rudgie47 · 01/10/2017 17:25

Surely its upto your Mum at the end of the day to put her foot down with him.If she wont then thats her problem, if you continue to pay his share then its enabling him to continue as hes doing.
You can only really be responsible for yourself.I'd stop paying his share and if a result of that your Mum gets into financial difficulty then maybe this will give her the push thats needed to make him either pay or get out.
Could your Mum get some advice about her housing situation from the CAB or a solicitor? it sounds very stressfull for her.

Isetan · 01/10/2017 17:29

It sounds like being a soft touch was the basis for your 'close' relationship in the past. The truth is, you weren't supporting him you were enabling him, much like your mother does.

I understand your disappointment but I think you've been overlooking the more unpleasant character traits of this entitled man baby for far too long. Hopefully, you are now more inclined to accept the real him and to conduct your relationship accordingly.

A lack of boundaries (being a soft touch) has invited a lack of respect.

Aderyn17 · 01/10/2017 17:42

OP, your mum isn't your 'poor mum'. She is someone who is choosing to let you carry her son, rather than make him pay his way. If she is short whrn the bills come in, then it's a situation entirely of her own making.

Why do you tolerate being treated as less than him? Your mum should not be staying out of this. Given how you have always supported him (and her) she should have your back here.

I agree with pp that you need to just pay your own share and never lend him money again.

Flip