To think my ex takes the Piss.

[NachoAddict]

My ex sees his daughter (from a previous relationship) at mine eveey Sunday. Her mum won't let him see her anywhere else.

Yesterday we had planned that he could pick up our son and take him to his for a couple of hours while I went food shopping and sorted something important out. However his DD turned up at 10am unannounced and DS told her that Daddy was coming so that scuppered that plan. I could hardly tell her to go home whilst DS went out with their dad so instead he would have to stay at mine with them.
When he turned up he said I could go out to do important thing but I had to come straight back because he didnt feel well. He was at ours for about an hour in all and left the second I got back. He was literally waiting at the front door for me.

So anyway the point is he knows that his DD is at mine, she stayed over as she often does on a weekend. He kmiws that she is waiting to see him. He knows that DS is keen to see him.

AIBU to think that he is taking the piss having a leisurely lie in and not answering his phone while I have to listen to when is daddy coming, have you rang him, what time will he come.

Added to the annoying factor is the man next door wants some stuff from the shop and I am sat here with 3 kids onky one of which is mine (I have my baby niece here too) and if he doesnt hurry up I will have to drag them all to the shop in rain.

Obviously he doesn't know that but he would if he answered his phone.

The man next door is elderly and was exes neighbour from birth so not just a random man.

Ex's ex-girlfriend/wife/whoever needs to set up appointments at a contact centre. She is taking the piss expecting you to facilitate her child's contact with her father.

I have no idea about anything else. Did your sister arrange the babysitting with you, or did she just land your niece on you and not give you a collection time?

Sorry didn't read the last bit AA out neighbour

You need some ground rules so you can move on with your life.

I would suggest:

1)DSD's contact with her father is now between her mother and your ex. Stay out of it. DSD's mother can make arrangements for where this should be.

2. When DSD visits this is for contact between siblings. Your ex can stay out if it.

3. Ex gets a clear message about contact between him and your DS e.g. Same day of the week, same time period, if he misses it, he misses it. Or longer if it suits you both -essentially whatever works but fixed, regular. Make sure DSDs mother knows when this is so DSD doesn't visit at this time.

4. If DSD does visit during DS's access visit, your rules apply. You can't be expected to manage DSD's mother's wishes and expectations.

There's no reason then why DSD mother can't have your child at hers for access is there? You could do one each or do it separately

Yes it's lovely you have her over etc and I assume the mother returns the favour? After all they are brother/sister?

Or your ex could see them individually at each home each weekend.

Stop being a mug

I really dobt mind dsd being here, i was a big part of her life for years and I would hate her to stop visiting, I just wish ex would step up a bit so I don't have to manage two disappointed kids.

My son doesnt go to his sisters because he doesnt know her mum, I was dsds step mun for 5 years so we were already close.

I think you could be right though I think dsd contact with us should be that and ex should stop piggybacking and sort out his own arrangements.

My sister asked me to babysit last night but didnt let me know it would be all day today too. Poor DDog hasnt had a walk all day because I cant walk him and manage the pram. He is terrible on the lead.
lead.
Invisible kitten. That is me to a Tee. Of someone has a problem I automatically feel responsible. I hate it.

Tbh I would just keep the contact between your son and his sister if you don't mind they have their own relationship if your ex is a tosser ignore him why should facilitate his relationship with his daughter ?

This is just my opinion but I don't think your ex's other ex's wants regarding contact between him and their child are your problem.

I feel really sorry for your ds because his plans with his dad had to be cancelled yesterday because his sister's mum sent her to yours without prior warning, and that because she won't let her see her dad away from your house that meant your ds's plans had to be cancelled. How many times are you going to allow that to happen before you have to say something? I would not have been happy.
If you allow him to have your child away from the house then he can't be as bad as she is making him out to be, so why doesn't she allow the same with their child?

Hair I was really gutted yesterday that DS was disappointed although he still saw his dad for an hour so wasnt too bothered. I almost started a thread about it but I gad to go out and DS was fine when I came back.

I would rather he didn't take ds to his new girlfriends yet in a perfect world as they have only been together for 2 months but I had to go and do important thing and I didnt have anyone else to help out. I dont think a couple of hours here and there are a massive problem, not like he is doing over night stays and saying come meet your new step mum.

Dsd mum has her partner, me, her parents and grandparents who all happily help out with her kids so she can afford to have things on her terms because she doesnt need ex, it makes no difference to her.

I have to compromise because I dont have that level of support.

Her mum has all those people but you don't have to be one of them. That would prevent the last minute turn ups and therefore wouldn't disrupt your ds's plans with his dad in future.

I think I do have issues with being assertive though

Ya think?

You sound like lovely but you can't keep doing this. What if you or DS are ill, on holiday, fancy a day to yourselves? You don't mention a DP but what if you have one and he doesn't want his weekends taken up doing childcare for your ex DSD?

Through no fault of your own you've ended up in the middle of a load of problems that aren't yours to solve.

See DSD when are where suits you. Stop being everyone's fixer. You sound well rid of your ex. "Violent relationship"?! And no ones met his new gf?

Either your ex is a suitable person for these children to have contact with unsupervised or he's not and you should all be using a contact centre.

I know it's hard when dynamics become bedded in and you don't want to let people down. But it's honestly time for a change. Start small if it helps. Tell ex and his ex that you can't facilitate next weekend. Arrange for DS to see his sister with her mum, leaving ex out of the picture. Arrange for ex to take DS out a different day. Make a start at ending you being the middle woman at everyone's beck and call.

You are a lovely person, OP, going out of your way to put your ds and his sister first and protect them from the consequences of their father being a lazy useless arse. Well done.

But yes, you should challenge him being a useless lazy arse, and make it clear to his ex that she can't muck up your ds's contact time like that. Perhaps she could host contact time for both siblings some time.

Soon, of course, you will have his new girlfriend's baby to look after as well.

I will definitley be having words with ex about spending proper time and not 2 hours.

Will tell dsd mum to send a text next time. When we went on holiday ex just didnt see dsd till we got back. They will see it as well if your not in she will just come back home and if ds hadnt mentioned that their dad was coming literally the second I opened the door that would have been fine. I would have said we were going out and come back later/tomorrow.

missy I wouldn't be surprised! She has 4 daughters already and he got his last ex pregnant at least once but she miscarried.

On a plus note my bil is finally leaving to come and pick up my niece. I might have time for a bath amd x factor before sorting everything for work and school tomorrow.

Dsd mum has her partner, me, her parents and grandparents who all happily help out with her kids

Then they need to sort out visitation with her dad - not you!

That doesn't mean she can't visit her brother - they use you and you roll over.

The reality is your Ex should collect your son so you get time for you or jobs or whatever you need to do -

If DSD turns up then he needs to deal with that situation - he takes her home OR he arranges todo XY or Z with her (I fail to see how the X can dictate the terms of visits - his daughter his time)

So you are being shafted from a great height by both of them

Your sister included!! Next time set terms - love to babysit but you need to collect by 9am

Honestly op - you might not mind dsd, but by continuing this arrangement you are enabling exp to make his fuckwittery around is daughter your problem.

If you arrange time for your DS and his sister to spend time together but not for step daughter to have access to her dad. Make it clear to her mum and your ex they need to sort that between them.

It is hard to break the habit of seeing other people's problems and thinking you must help them, but this would be a good place to start. You can't make your exp be a good dad. You can limit the effect of his bad parenting has on your life.

You are not one of this girl's parents, and as you aren't in a relationship with her father anymore, you aren't her step parent anymore. She might be your DS's sister, but your obligation is to your son, making sure he can see his sister, not that his sister can see her dad.

What you are all saying makes sense.