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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To stop sending clothes?

12 replies

TheExsNewClothes · 01/10/2017 12:23

Ex has been making me beg for maintenance each month. He won't pay me until I message him to ask, then will pay me some, then a bit more when I remind him again, then the rest when I message again. Just as background info he was extremely abusive, in every way possible although he has rewritten history (don't they all!) and never threw pint glasses at me in public or smashed up my belongings etc. never mind the financial and emotional abuse.

I'm not on a great income as had time out of work with the dc as a SAHM but have been back at work over 4 years now building my career from scratch. I can make ends meet. Just. I am gradually saving up so I can take him to CMS as I can't afford to not have the money every month (something he knows full well).

I was providing all clothes for dd2 and dd3's visits EOW. Dd1 isn't his and refuses to speak to him. After yet another month of begging and still not having the right amount and bills coming out tomorrow I have told him all favours will stop and I am no longer sending clothes with them and he can provide them. He can more than afford to do this, although I'm no longer sure what he earns. He's in the same job but will have had pay rises. AIBU?

I've name changed for this thread as he will most likely find it and go off on one, I don't want him linking all my other threads as well.

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dinosaurkisses · 01/10/2017 12:26

You might be inconveniencing him, but it'll be the DC who really feel the effects- can you imagine spending the whole weekend in the same underwear for example?

Unless you're 100% sure that ex will immediately go out and buy clothes etc for use during contact, I'd hold off.

Nanny0gg · 01/10/2017 12:27

Why are you letting him dictate when he pays up?

Go to CSA or whatever they're called now.

FoofFighter · 01/10/2017 12:29

What do you mean by saving up to take him to CMS? It wil cost you £20 I think to get the ball rolling?

DJBaggySmalls · 01/10/2017 12:30

Yanbu, he's still playing control games. You could get some legal advice, see if you can get the maintenance put on a more secure footing. You shouldn't have to repeatedly ask for it.
Google for you nearest Law Centre, they give legal advice to people who cant afford to pay.

TheExsNewClothes · 01/10/2017 12:31

I have told him I'm not sending the clothes dinosaur, he's said he'll buy some but is claiming as he pays maintenance that the clothes I buy also belong to him.

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WorraLiberty · 01/10/2017 12:32

Just get the ball rolling with the CMS.

If you start a battle over clothes, the kids will get caught in the middle.

TheExsNewClothes · 01/10/2017 12:32

Foofighter - there will be a delay in paying me though won't there, if they're anything like any other government department I'd need at least 3 months money saved

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sooperdooper · 01/10/2017 12:34

Why do you need to save up? I didn't think it cost to get CSA or whatever they are these days involved

I think if you send no clothes he's more likely to leave them wearing whatever they arrive in for however long they're with him

sooperdooper · 01/10/2017 12:34

Cross posts, you still ask him for money while they calculate what he has to give

DJBaggySmalls · 01/10/2017 12:34

Get legal advice before you do anything, you should be entitled to some benefits to tide you over any gap.

Popsicle434544 · 01/10/2017 12:44

It took 5 wks to get my first payment from cms, i applied straight after a monthly payment from ex so only had to wait an extra week

TheExsNewClothes · 01/10/2017 12:49

Thanks popsicle, that's really helpful to know. He won't pay me if he knows I've done it, so I know I need a reserve

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