With DH because I want to plan a little for the future?

[SnorkellingCat]

DH and I have been together nearly 6 years, married for 18 months, and have a 2.3 year old DD (exact age is important here).

DD has several issues, her main ones being a delay of 4-6 months, a hip condition and a speech delay.

We've been told that while we don't know what the future holds for DD, there are things we should be doing and putting in place for DD now while she's little to avoid stress and/or not having the opportunity to get these things as costs rise.

DD will likely need an operation on her hips, if it works it'll fix her condition for life, but if it goes wrong which is easily could because what needs doing takes place so close to her spinal cord she'll never walk again. The paediatrician has advised we move from our top floor flat to a house which has a downstairs room that could be used as her bedroom or a bungalow all on one level. I've desperately to get DH to look at places but he won't - we currently rent and our family have all put a reasonable amount into the pot so we can buy somewhere using the money as a deposit with the thinking being if the operation works we can sell the house and buy somewhere bigger.

DH will not look at any houses with me, keeps telling me that we're fine where we are and will cross that bridge when we get to it.

We've also been advised by the paediatrician and DDs Nursery to look at schools over the next few months - there's limited places where we live so the Nursery will help us apply for an EHCP plan with whichever schools SENCO is our top choice so that DD gets into that school. We've being asked to do it now as the council advise you apply for a EHCP 8 months before the child starts school, so we can always have another look round next year to be doubly sure.

DH again won't help. He doesn't want to look round schools with me. I've put the dates on our calendar but he "doesn't want to look at schools yet" so has said I should go alone or l should take my mum.

I know he's upset over the school thing because the paediatrician has told us not to apply for the school his mum lives next too as it's across 3 levels, and the paediatrician doesn't think DD would be able to manage stairs (it's a very old building with narrow hallways apparently so no lift) several times a day classrooms on one level, assembly and dinning hall on another level, and playground on a 3rd one as it means that his mum won't do a school pick up for us a couple of times a week she doesn't drive, and won't walk far despite being 51 and only have a very parttime job so he'll have to change his work schedule around mine so he can pick up occasionally - I work 3 days a week usually 8.30-4.30 but don't take a full lunch break so I can finish at 4.30 as Nursery closes at 5. DH works 5 days a week usually 7am-4.30pm but takes a full lunch break and he works an hour away. After School Club finishes at 4.45.

AIBU to want to scream and shout at DH that we need to plan for a future with a disabled child? I know it's hard and not what we wanted but I don't want to take all the responsibility when she has a 2nd equal parent.

Do you think he's reluctant to do these things as he's putting all his hopes on the hip operation giving her full movement?

Bit rubbish of him - how is he in other ways?

pandarific He's generally pretty good, does 25% of the housework (I expect to do more as I work less), never moans if I want to go swimming or for a catch up with my friends without DD, helps look after our cat including taking her to the vets if she needs to go.

Karna The flat is rented, we have the deposit to buy from family - house prices in the area are only going to go up, her operation is going to be just after Christmas if she has it, either way she'll be in a double plaster cast for 12-14 weeks, then need to relearn to walk again, to me it makes sense to buy now even if it we don't need the downstairs room etc. There is a lift in the block we live in but it's prone to breaking down, the flat is private let but the block is owned by a Housing Association so they take their time fixing the lift.

Understand what you say about schools and I will look at the school by MIL myself and won't completely rule it out yet. I'd just like his help with it as an equal parent, but he'll likely moan about my choices anyway so possibly better going alone.

I agree with karma I think it is too close to the operation to mobe house now you'd be better spending the time adapting your flat best you can for the time being.
Sorry your DH is being useless atm with it all but do you think he could just be finding it hard to accept and pinning all his hopes on the operation working? Could you maybe discuss his worries with him ?

I have a disabled child. I find the one thing it is practically impossible to do is plan for the future as you can have no way of knowing what their future needs will actually be ! Hard enough with a child with no problems. We prefer to adapt our life according to her needs, our life therefore has evolved rather than been consciously planned. And I prefer not to have our lives ruled by disability, though goodness knows that's hard enough. For example, an Occupational Therapist came and wanted to completely re vamp our house with no end of railings, handles, bathrooms, goodness knows what. In the end we said no to it , preferring to have a house which looked like a family home for us all rather than a residential unit, so we waited to see what was actually necessary first.
Trying to make decisions now and move house "to save stress" now seems extremely stressful considering you won't actually know any more until after any surgery. In your shoes I would not rush into anything, take things one step at a time and make decisions together.

Do not pick a school for your DD based on the Senco you like best. What if that Senco gets a new job? Choose it based on the best school fit overall, not the Senco per se.

I would move now. Someone needs to talk sense into him. Or move without him.

How can you choose school now when you don't know what her needs will be ? And she's not much more than 2 at the moment. Your paediatrician seems quite keen to predict your future. I can see where your husbands coming from, you can't make decisions based on what if ? We all stick our heads in the sand and think everything will be fine- I used to daydream that my daughter would one day go to university, the reality is she can't read or write ! But equally we couldn't have planned for how she is now at age 2. One step at a time - literally.

Thank you everyone.

I think I'm going to go ahead and look at places but no buy anywhere just move into another rented place, I think that'll give us a bit more flexibility.

The plan to look at schools is because of the EHCP as we will need that before school applications for it to be taken into account during applications. We're choosing a school based on her needs now, because if she gets better and doesn't need the EHCP we can then choose a different school if we want to. Ideally she'd go to the school at the end of our road or the one near MIL but I want to look at both and make a choice. The Nursery will work with whichever school we choose as our top choice, so want us to pick based on her needs as we know her best, rather than because of a specific SENCO or teacher, think that was a bit confusing in my OP. Yes she is barely 2 but what we do know is due to her speech delay she's unlikely to have caught up with her delay by the time she starts school and her physical milestones will definitely be behind as even if she has the op in say January, she won't be out of the plaster cast until close to her birthday so it only gives her just over a year before she starts school to catch up with her walking and relearning to walk could take u[ to 12 months we've been warned, so Nursery want to get the help in place before she starts as it's apparently impossible to get once she's started.