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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU - family financial!

24 replies

stillcantbelieveitsnotbutter · 01/10/2017 10:33

DH's parent has a big birthday coming up and we are paying for a very big once in a lifetime present (the sort of thing we wouldn't do for ourselves unless v special). We also help financially regularly and DH's siblings don't.

Neither sibling has volunteered to help with the costs of either as they said they couldn't afford it (arranged a long time in advance.) Fair enough as our idea I guess and something we want to do.

But one sibling has had big luxury purchases recently, going on second v expensive luxury holiday just booked... and meanwhile I have a big birthday in a few months myself and know that we won't be able to afford anything much, maybe a dinner out, due to life changes coming up (pregnancy, job change that will hopefully be great in long term, moving house etc)

AIBU to feel a tiny bit sad we've had no offers of assistance?

OP posts:
Original poster
stillcantbelieveitsnotbutter · 01/10/2017 10:35

To quantify once in a lifetime - more than our monthly salaries on present

OP posts:
FakePlasticTeaLeaves · 01/10/2017 10:35

Yes definitely, they should want to help! But at the same time, I would have checked prior to arranging it that they WOULD help. Sounds like you thought of the idea/arranged it then told them?

EggysMom · 01/10/2017 10:36

Sorry but I think yabu, you decided to spend on this "big once in a lifetime" presesnt. You shouldn't presume that any other relatives will contribute, shouldn't expect them to do so as it was your decision, and shouldn't feel sad that they choose to show their love for their parents in different ways.

Tour · 01/10/2017 10:38

What is the present?

If you couldn't really afford it alone I would heave bought them something else. You can't force people to chip in. They may have already bought them something equally lovely but less expensive.

Original poster
stillcantbelieveitsnotbutter · 01/10/2017 10:38

Yeah I guess you are right

Maybe on reflection I feel its because it was more DH's idea and I felt mean saying no, though I'm now really glad we are doing this and wouldn't have it any other way

OP posts:
theduchessstill · 01/10/2017 10:39

If you can't afford it then don't do it - it does sound like it's a bit of a stretch for you. It's not really your business what they spend their money on and I doubt you know all the ins and outs of their circumstances. Ex used to do whatever his sister said in terms of contributing to expensive presents for his parents and it used to piss me off.

I suppose it would be nice if they had the same outlook and priorities as you, but they don't.

Santawontbelong · 01/10/2017 10:40

Make sure you make it crystal clear the gift is just from you 2!! . Don't leave to chance they may assume it's a joint gift from all the siblings!!

SoftlyCatchyMonkey1 · 01/10/2017 10:41

A little bit U. You've chosen the present you want to give. The siblings may have organised / plan their own presents. How people spend their own money is up to them. Are the parents in desperate straits? Unless my parents were very short on cash I wouldn't give them anything and vice versa.
The fact that you've got some big life changes coming up yet are spending money on DH parents is your choice.

KarateKitten · 01/10/2017 10:41

No, sorry but you don't get to decide how to spend other people's money. Even for a special birthday, a gift worth £30 or £50 can still be a wonderful gift. If your DH decided to spend thousands that's your business.

GabriellaMontez · 01/10/2017 10:41

I hope they like the present.

But it's not for you to decide how people should prioritise their outgoings. Or how much to spend on presents.

Moanyoldcow · 01/10/2017 10:42

I agree with PP. Of course it would've been nice for them to assist but you don't get to choose how other people spend their money and it's your choice to spend such a vast sum on a gift.

Personally I only spend what I can comfortably afford on anyone including my son, husband or other family members.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 01/10/2017 10:43

Whether I put anything towards it or not would depend on how much input I’d had in the decision making.

Migraleve · 01/10/2017 10:44

But don’t the siblings get their parents a present from themselves? In which case why should they contribute to something you & DH have decided on

Scrumptiousbears · 01/10/2017 10:44

Some people have different priorities. My sibling won't pay £1000 for a private allergy test for her DC but will on a handbag.

Original poster
stillcantbelieveitsnotbutter · 01/10/2017 10:47

Thank you!

This has put some perspective on things. I shall put these thoughts aside and continue planning house move and thinking positively about that

OP posts:
Fishface77 · 01/10/2017 10:50

So DH is happy to spend money on his DP once in a lifetime present but for yours you'll be lucky to gt a dinner out?
Plus massive life changes that will cost money?
That doesn't sound right.

MatildaTheCat · 01/10/2017 10:54

OP, I'm guessing that the present is some kind of a trip? And if you help financially the inlaws are worse off than you? I'd be concerned about this on a couple of levels:

  1. Although you say you can afford it, you have these big life changes coming up and clearly aren't flush if you can't celebrate your own birthday as you would wish.
  1. Parents may interpret this as you being much more well off than is actually the case and come to you for more help.
  1. They may also be embarrassed by such a lavish gift.

In terms of siblings, well, they just feel differently to you and dh. They will be buying the usual sort of gifts and spending as usual on their own lifestyle which is a normal state of affairs. If you do go ahead make it clear that it's just from you and that its a last big gift due to the new baby.

Original poster
stillcantbelieveitsnotbutter · 01/10/2017 10:57

One of those life changes happened subsequent to the decision so I don't blame DH and it's not as awful as perhaps I made it sound - I'm sure we COULD spend more on mine but it seems more sensible at this stage to invest it elsewhere

I think that's why I'm a bit sad that others priorities are different but as PPs have said it's our choice

OP posts:
eurochick · 01/10/2017 11:00

It sounds like the gift is more than you can comfortably afford tbh. You can't expect others to bail you out of your decision.

Original poster
stillcantbelieveitsnotbutter · 01/10/2017 11:01

in laws know and are overwhelmed - think tears of happiness - so it's a lovely thing and I don't think will cause embarrassment or be taken advantage of

The idea has been discussed when we visited one of the siblings last year but then sort of went quiet, there was no prior agreement or expectation they'd still contribute - I just feel it would have been nice

OP posts:
Original poster
stillcantbelieveitsnotbutter · 01/10/2017 11:05

Also present is paid for some months ago, no bailing needed as we've budgeted for everything else. We've not been made financially uncomfortable and it is a "one off", I'm really glad we've done it anyway

But I am human so have been known to have the occasional unspoken "doesn't seem quite fair" moment. The common sense on this post has put me straight and I hope doesn't start a storm!

Am worried about outing now though! Blush

OP posts:
Original poster
stillcantbelieveitsnotbutter · 01/10/2017 11:07

Also when I say discussed - was their suggestion but I think one quickly regretted hence the going quiet!

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sooperdooper · 01/10/2017 11:11

Yabu, if you wanted them to contribute you should've agreed that before deciding to go ahead, it's up to them what they spend their money on

Just make sure your ILs know it's just a present from you & DH

KitKat1985 · 01/10/2017 11:16

YABU sorry. If you want to buy DH's parents a big, expensive gift then that's entirely your choice, but you can't expect other family members to want to chip in large sums of money towards this gift.

I bought a big gift for my mum a few years ago (£500-ish) and I'm pleased I did it as she loved it, but I wouldn't do it now as money is tighter now we have 2 DDs and I would prioritise putting that amount of money towards a holiday for us all over a present.

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