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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to share a bed with DP

19 replies

Happyhappyveggie · 01/10/2017 02:51

After years of bed hopping with young kids, things have finally settled down.
But the problem now is that I can't bear to share a bed with DP. He snores loudly, twitches a lot, wakes me up when he comes to bed late, wakes me up in the morning early with a fucking half hour of snooze button and is just really annoying!!
I'm also perimenopausal and not sleeping well so it's even more annoying!
Aibu or is it a sign of relationship rot
He's woken me up now (2.50am) and I'm currently in bunk bed with 9 yr old DS

OP posts:

highinthesky · 01/10/2017 03:02

I don't think it's necessarily a sign of relationship rot, but being ready to kill him because of chronic sleep deprivation would be....

Just do what you can to get a good night's sleep.

SouthWindsWesterly · 01/10/2017 03:03

Actually that's pretty bloody selfish. Snoring and twitching he can't help, but the snooze button and coming to bed late waking you up is bad. Talk to him - tell him if he can't be arsed to come to bed quietly, then he can sleep elsewhere. You shouldn't have to move beds halfway through the night because he's woken you up coming to bed late. The snooze button also needs to be sorted. Make him change the time to later - problem is he's probably sleeping through because he's got to bed late.

Vitalogy · 01/10/2017 03:10

Get him a good quality sofa bed. Sounds like he spends half the night in the living room anyway. Got to try and make an effort for "connecting" once in a while though or things can drift apart IMHO.

Egis · 01/10/2017 03:16

I understand you well. I get the same with snoring and fidgeting. Our children are still little and wake me up almost every night so I've developed insomnia. Fortunately Some nights I just sleep because I must be exhausted.
The reasons for snoring are usually simple: being overweight , smoking or drinking. Mine used to sleep on the sofa but not sure if it's a good solution. I don't know is there's a solution...?

Charolais · 01/10/2017 03:22

A king size bed helped us but I know many couples who have separate bedrooms and there is no relationship rot. My husband has explosive farts btw.

highinthesky · 01/10/2017 03:25

My husband has explosive farts btw.

In bed??! LTB

cluelessnewmum · 01/10/2017 04:00

Plenty of couples are sleep incompatible (my dh and I are) and it's not relationship rot but changes need to be made or you're heading for seperate rooms.

Need to agree a mutual bedtime (I basically can't get to sleep until dh in bed), for me it was 30 mins later than my ideal, for him it was 30mins-1hour early.

One snooze 10 mins before and that's it - I used to snooze for at least 30 mins but cut into dh sleep so I stopped.

Visit to GP about snoring. I hate people that snore but don't sort it out,it's so antisocial, not just for partner but on holiday etc.

If he won't do any of those things then you just need to have seperate rooms in my opinion to save your sanity. I say this as someone who has been through this and all the problems need to be addressed.

blueberrypie0112 · 01/10/2017 04:18

Get an ear plug or white noise. Not all snoring is solve by GP (some will just say lose weigh or get a surgery because of the nose issues)

And get a daybed that can be used as extra seating

marymoosmum · 01/10/2017 05:21

I don't really like sleeping with my DH, he snores terribly and twitches like your dp, throughout my pregnancy he slept in the sofa and I loved it I have to admit. I love him but I also like my space and sleep. My DH is also a human radiator. We are having to share a bed atm though as our lo wakes for feeds in the night so I need to be able to go in the front room/kitchen.

Mummyoflittledragon · 01/10/2017 05:44

Dh now sleeps in the spare room. I'm chronically ill. As I've got older, I do wake up in the night. As winter approaches, I have two sleeps as did our ancestors. It's called biphasic sleep and am awake in the night for an hour or two. Since I discovered our bodies have evolved to sleep, wake during the night and then sleep again, I find it a lot easier to go back to sleep again. I'm no longer stressed out about going back to sleep, which makes sleep easier.

Cheby · 01/10/2017 05:55

We are still in the young kids bed hopping stage, but my god I prefer to sleep alone or with the baby. I get so much more kip with DH in the spare room. He feels it's a sign of us drifting apart. But then he falls asleep the second his head hits he pillow and he is snoring again (result of weight gain, henpreviously lost weight and stopped snoring), so he is getting enough sleep. I'm not!

Toadinthehole · 01/10/2017 05:56

Be careful what you wish for. I used to suffer from restless legs syndrome. I also prefer to go to bed 30 minutes to an hour later than DW. I tried going to bed at her time and simply lay awake counting sheep I've been sleeping in the living room for 5 years now.

I honestly tried my best, but DW gave me such a massively hard time about these things that I now can't get to sleep in the same bed as her because I can't relax with her there.

Because our evenings inevitably end with her heading to the bedroom and me to the living room, there isn't the natural intimacy a relationship ought to have.

nippey · 01/10/2017 06:08

My DH and I have had separate beds for years, it's amazing.
He snores terribly and we have very different sleep patterns, I'm up at 5 for work and he doesn't finish work till 1am, so it made sense. Its not caused us any issues.
I think we really benefit from it actually, being well rested means we are both much less grumpy!

greentea4me · 01/10/2017 06:13

Get separate beds/bedrooms! It's saved many a marriage.

missarcher · 01/10/2017 06:16

A gp can't cure everyone's snoring sometimes it's just one of those things

gottachangethename1 · 01/10/2017 06:24

I am currently in dd's bed (she's at uni) and admit that this has become a regular habit. Dh wakes me up coming to bed in the early hours, stomping around when he gets up for work and snoring. I love sleeping on my own. If/when dd moves back home I'm going to invest in a king size bed. Can't cope with sharing a standard double anymore.

Ilovetolurk · 01/10/2017 06:39

My husband has explosive farts btw.

I once had a boyfriend whose explosive farts used to lift him off the bed. It was very alarming the first few times

Original poster

Happyhappyveggie · 01/10/2017 07:58

Well, I got a couple of hours sleep in the single bed with my DS Am going to discuss with DP later as posts here make me realise how sleep incompatible we are!

OP posts:

Grimbles · 01/10/2017 08:04

DH and I sleep in separate beds too. He is a night owl, snores, and gets super hot so it's like sleeping next to a radiator. I wake up earlier, am a bit of a fidget and need to have the windows open even in the depths of winter.

Sleeping apart suits us and hasn't caused any problems with our relationship. On the contrary we get along much better now we can both get enough sleep.

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