AIBU? I'm probably over thinking but I actually don't know

[CowOnTheMoon]

Hi, first post.

This isn't really an aibu but aibu to be pissed off with my partner?

We were having a chat and one thing lead to another and it got on to our past history and I told him something that I've not told many people.

I told him that when I was younger I went to a house party and I don't really remember what happened, (I believe I was spiked) I also believed I was raped. I woke up during the night and a man was sat next to me stroking my leg (I later found out it was my friends step dad) and told me to get up to bed, I went because I was really drunk and tired. I woke up the next morning wearing just a bra and pants.

This really isn't the issue, I've pretty much got passed this and i don't tend to give it much thought.

The thing that has got to me is my partner saying that if I "didn't get myself into those situations" then it wouldn't have happened and pretty much victim blaming. He then went on to say its the company I keep and that if I was sensible then these things wouldn't have happened.

I don't know my aibu because I feel HIBU I'm just upset that I love someone that has this sort of mindset and I just needed to vent it out.

YANBU. I would be livid, and questioning if I want to spend my life with someone with a 'well, if a woman is asking for it, she shouldn't be surprised if she is raped' attitude.

WTF?!

He would no longer be my partner. He's a twat.

YANBU. It’s bad enough that he thinks that way, even more so to actually say it to you! You were not to blame. I am so sorry that happened to you and also that your partner reacted so awfully.

Off to fuck with him. Victim blaming is awful because of the sheer lack of empathy for another person. Victim blamed = abuser in the making.

@Subtlecheese that was my exact thought the "victim blamed = abuser in the making"
I just, I dunno, hoped I was overthinking things and that I should go to bed and see things clearer in the morning.

I once shared a similar incident on a long thread about sexual abuse/harrasment, my then partner read the post, he then had a massive go at me because I had never told him . Think that was the final nail in the coffin of that relationship. It limped on for a bit.

Have you talked to him about his victim blaming? It just reveals such a shitty world view.

@Mrsjohnmurphy when he said what he said I went on to say that he was wrong and that someone is raped because the person is a rapist not because the victim put themselves in a vulnerable situational.

He then said "no, if you didn't go out with her then it wouldn't of happened. I've seen the way you used to dress, you can only blame yourself"

Get rid! That's a disgusting attitude. Most (good) men would be gutted to hear something like that and feel so powerless as they weren't there to protect you.

I definitely agree that people who have his attitude are probably people who would do something like that themselves. He also sounds very controlling

OP, first of all I'm so sorry you went through such a nasty experience when you were younger - and you were very brave to open up to your partner about the incident. How horrible to reveal something so personal, and traumatic, and to feel judged, unsupported and also blamed by the person you are meant to be loved by. I'm really sorry.

Frankly your partner's attitude stinks. It's a very scary belief to have, and as you rightly say, suggests that it is the victim's fault for falling prey to such an incident. The fact is nobody deserves that, and no series or circumstances could ever justify what happened to you as your fault. The fault lies solely with the abuser, and it always does.

Personally I would perhaps reconsider your relationship. As difficult as that is, your partner holds some worrying thoughts about women and rape culture. And even if he didn't, he did not give you support and understanding when you opened up to him - this suggests he won't really be there for you when you need him.

You have to do what's right for you, but this is quite a big red flag and you're not being unreasonable. The fact that you ever consider that you might be unreasonable or overreacting suggests he is gaslighting/controlling you and getting in your head. You deserve better.

You are not being unreasonable
He sounds like a horrible human being, please really consider leaving him, you / anyone deserves so much better than the likes of him.

You're already seeing things clearly.

He's a misogynist. Leave him.

You'll be grateful in the long run that he's shown you what he is now. Please cut your losses and move on. You need someone who is on team CowOnTheMoon, and he ain't it.