Reaction to death - tacky and tactless

[CoughLaughFart]

This is probably outing, but I can't name change, so hey ho.

I learned today from a Facebook group that an old school friend has committed suicide. I was deeply shocked - we haven't seen each other in years (close once, fell out, made it up but were never really close again) but it's still thrown me.

But it's not just this I'm struggling to get my head around. Some of the comments on the Facebook post are impossibly trite and tactless. One woman (who I've noticed before seems to have had a common sense and tact bypass) commented 'Who was he?' - just that. Someone posted an old school pic with him circled and she responds 'How did he die?' (The original post didn't mention suicide.) OP and one other say they have no idea. 'How do you guys know about it then??' OP says his fiancée posted it on FB. 'Oh okay, fair enough'. Fair enough?! What did she think - they were playing a really tasteless hoax?

She was the worst, but others also chimed in with pointless comments such as 'Don't remember him but RIP'. Who the fuck is that meant to benefit? Are they just desperate to show how caring they are - taking a whole 15 seconds out of their oh-so-busy lives to post even though they don't even remember the deceased?

As I say, I personally hadn't seen him in years, so wouldn't go a state far as to say I'm grieving. But I know he was still close to many school friends who will all be able to see these posts. What sort of comfort is this supposed to bring them? 'Didn't know him, but can I have the juicy details anyway?' 'My life is way too busy and exciting to remember your dear friend, but soz anyway?'

In an already tragic situation, I feel all the more sad that people can't have just the tiniest bit of sensitivity. His friends really don't need to read that kind of thing.

I'm so so sorry OP :( that's so awful

Yanbu. People forget where they are posting. That it isn't a private conversation. That anyone linked can see it, including, presumably the fiancee.

Shitty comments. But best ignored by you.

If you were a very close friend to the person making the comments I'd say pull her aside and tell her to stop being an idiot. But if not, and you aren't directly involved, just step back

But if not, and you aren't directly involved, just step back

Exactly what I've decided I have to do. A big part of me wants to tell them all to for God's sake think for a moment, but I know it isn't really my place. I'd feel like I was painting myself as a much closer friend than I was, which would be almost as bad as the 'Don't remember him but sad anyway' comments.

Ugh. YANBU. People can be so inappropriate and Facebook really seems to bring that out sometimes. I’m sorry about your friend

That's unfortunately the reaction you'll get from people within a (school?) group on social media tbh.Presumably the family were OK with the news being put onto FB in the first place and the people who didn't know this person probably thought it was nicer to say "didn't know him but RIP" than say nothing at all.
I don't see the problem tbh.

I had to use my DH's Facebook to tell of his death last year, after I'd 'phoned and spoken to as many people as I could. I had nothing but respectful and entirely proper comments.

I'm so sorry you had this, Cough, and especially for this kind of death. All deaths are horrid, I know, but suicide ought to bring out the better , the more gracious and tactful part of people.

I see what you're saying, but it's not 'I didn't know him' - it's 'I don't remember him'. If it's really that important to them to say something, they could simply say 'Very sad news' or similar. Deliberately mentioning they don't remember him tells me they are posting for one reason only - to show how sensitive and caring they are (when actually if they did give a toss they would be more thoughtful).

Thank you echt (cross-posted with my response to perfume)

It's grim. I've seen this happen on FB quite a lot when someone dies. A friend who is affected will post something about their bereavement and you'll get a random comment from a rubber necking friend of a friend who clearly didn't know the person and doesn't understand that boundaries apply on social media too.

This happened to a good friend who has had multiple bereavements recently.
They posted a scientific article which posited that the brain continues to have activity for a while after death. Really they were clutching at straws but it was understandable in the circumstances.

A friend of mine, who doesn't know the posting friend or any of the people involved, just commented that the article was bullshit science.

I couldn't believe how crass this was.

Who was he? How did he die?
Ugh omg what a crass nosy bitch.

She has asked me really personal questions on Facebook before. The only reason I don't delete her is her car crash value.

A friend of mine recently committed suicide and I noted very similar comments. Fucking vultures picking over someones death for some juicy bits of gossip. The best response is no response.

I'm on a few FB groups and the faux outpouring of grief are grim.
Lots of Riping and fly high with the angles. Spelt like that.

Fly high with the angles. Spelt like that.

'Don't be sad. He's with the isosceles triangles now'

Thank you for a much needed giggle this morning!

The only reason I don't delete her is her car crash value.

Your 'moral' high ground isn't much higher than a speed bump either. Yes, those comments were on the crass side but to listen to you, you'd think she killed hiim.

What a needlessly bitchy thing to say to someone who has had bad news. Feel good does it?