To be really cross with DS?

[youarenotkiddingme]

He is 13 but has ASD so socially is behind.

He's not settled in well back to school this term but as much as we talk to him he can't get out of his mindset. He is revengeful in thought generally but it has been worse since he had a knife pulled on him at his old school at the end of year 7.

I've always told him he can't control others behaviour but can control his own and when he behaves just as badly in reaction he will get held equally accountable.

Today he went to the park over the road - I can see it from my lounge window. He generally plays nerf guns with children aged about 8-11.

I could hear clanging and so looked out of the window and him and another lad are swinging the swings trying to get them over the bar. There was a few adults there with lots of children aged 4-8 (ish).

I went straight down and called him in and said he's grounded for a week with no tech.
I told him he's been raised better than to think damaging public property is ok and is a fun thing to do.
He looked at me blankly as if he couldn't actually understand what he'd done but I made it clear it's unacceptable and he was fuming yesterday when a boy at school was physical with him and broke his elastic bracelet band and a teacher told him it 'wasn't a big deal' it was broken.

I'm so cross with him - but AIBU to be this annoyed and punish him so severely?

Too severe in my opinion. They hadn't actually caused any damage by the sounds of it. By all means tell him to be more careful but I really don't think it was equal to the punishment.

I think that was over the top as well. And I get why he wouldn't really get why you're so upset about it when other adults didn't say anything about it.

I'm not sure what they were doing was damaging public property. Swinging the swings back and forward is kind of what they are for, no? Swinging them over the bar not ideal ,but no really putting any more strain on them than swinging normally as high as you can (or climbing on the swing frame, which I'd also have no problem with).

I think if you're trusting him to be out on his own then checking up on him and wading him is OTT. As is your punishment for what he did.

OTT

Trying to knot up the swings if annoying and out of order but I think you've gone OTT too. Calling over, telling him off and teling him to stop would have been enough imo (if this is the first time he's done this). Or making him come in for today, if hou really wanted to make a point.

They were damaging them - a massive risk of it. The swings were going on top and crashing down with the most horrendous noise.
I saw the adults say something to them (don't know what) but the boys didn't stop which is why I went down.

But this is where I struggle. Ds will think nothing of treating public property that way but if someone was playing with his stuff in a rough way or even touched it he'd go ballistic.

He needs to learn that his behaviour needs to reflect that which he expects from others.

I am also for the short sharp shock punishment..Otherwise it just becomes part of life and they adapt ..

I think that's ok. He's unlikely to do it again, surely?

Have ypu had that conversation with him though? "What if it was your swing and friends came round and did that?" Etc.
Maybe he just needs more help seeing it from that POV

I don't think you were being too harsh. That is really low behaviour, best to nip it in the bud.

I agree with you with regard to punishment for swings, what if it had hit another child. Saying that his behaviour will probably mature in a couple of years. He's probably liv

Lovely in lots of other ways.

Pickles everyday we have a conversation about things like this!

Ds generally has every reason to be cross and angry but he takes it to extreme. He holds others to very high expectations of behaviour (i.e. Don't piss him off!) yet when his reaction is to scream and shout and swear he justifies it as ok because they annoyed him.

I don't think what he was doing was ok. But I came down harshly because if he'd left his scooter (for example) laying down in the park and another child just had a go and maybe did a jump or went through a puddle and he didn't like it he'd go mad, most likely shove them off really hard and give them an earful of abuse.
So I feel he needs to experience the same reaction from another person to something not ok - e.g. An extreme 1!

That's probably why I feel a bit bad. I know I'm being harsh but I'm out of ideas.

I think even neurotypical teenagers just don't 'get' things. They can be driven by emotions nor rationality - and not capable of thinking beyond the moment.

I am not sure that extended punishments work because then they just feel resentful towards the parent (or teacher), rather than genuinely being able to reflect on what they have done.

I imagine that he enjoyed being able to play with someone in his own age group - especially if school relationships are difficult.

Maybe he liked the feeling of being in control - if there is so much in his life that currently feels out of control.

Again socially unconfident teenagers find it particularly difficult so say things like, 'I don't really think this is a sensible idea.' They get pulled into stuff.

In your shoes I'd just be saying, 'I don't ever want you to do that again.'

I think it is an overreaction. Guve him a bollocking for being a pest, yes.

So I feel he needs to experience the same reaction from another person to something not ok - e.g. An extreme 1!
Maybe his ASD changes things, but generally, it's better to lead by example, not follow their poor response with an extreme of your own.

More worrying that he was with another lad, if he's not good with social cues and understanding what is appropriate in some situations, he may be taking his cues from his peers as to what is the 'correct response' Which is fine if his peers are responsible, respectful types, and less so if they are not.

I know some of the struggles you have with DS & I know it's hard when it's day in, day out. All day, every bloody day. I think if this was a 'one off' your reaction would have been over the top, but sometimes we just reach our limit. You were there, you know what was actually going on & I totally trust your judgement. Don't doubt yourself 🌷

He may find it very hard to empathise - actually put himself imaginatively in someone else's shoes.

"You must not do that to the swings - it means that they cannot be used by the next person and that is bad. Do not do things that makes things harder to use for other people" may be a better approach.

Parent of a 13 year old with Asperger here

I always pick my battles with dd, she's usually quite well behaved but could easily be distracted or mislead. I find giving a long punishment doesn't work, it has to be instant but only last for the rest of the day, she usually gets really upset if she has done something wrong and feels really guilty so a couple hours without electronics or being made to do a few jobs works fine. If I took her electronics off her for a long period of time she would be inconsolable.

I think you punishment was harsh, yes what he was doing could have harmed a small child but he probably wasn't thinking about that and just joined in with what the other child was doing. I think the embarrassment of your mother walking into the bark and shouting like a banshe was probably enough.

Ds doesn't feel bad. He's just annoyed he can't have stuff he wants.

I'll be honest - punishment or consequence doesn't really work with ds. But he is handing them out constantly to others who do him wrong.

I know it's deeper seated issues as he had a severe trauma at 11yo and the adults who should have safeguarded him justified the other lads behaviour. As a result ds had to move schools etc. But he loves his new school and they are generally very good with him.

I also imagine hormones are playing a part as he's going through puberty.

I've explained the consequence to ds as restriction of liberty. Explained that destroying public property is criminal damage and he needs to experience minor restriction of liberty as criminal damage could result in arrest and prison.
I'm hoping seeing the real possible worst possible outcome will get him to think about his behaviour in terms of consequences rather than in terms of justifying it by what's going on on his head iyswim?

I know it's harsh and I feel like a total bitch (hence my post). But this is the lad who was telling me he was going to get a chair and smash it over a supply teachers head because he took ds ruler and pen from him.

(I will add the teacher wasn't informed he's autistic and the teacher was reacting to ds reaction to kids being unkind)

I want him to accept responsibility for his behaviour as I think until he does I won't be able to get him to modify it. (We had made progress here).

I didn't walk in and shout like a banshee
I simply called ds and said time to come home.

I suppose given that the teenage years are years of rebellion, what are you going to do next time he does (worse) stuff that is wrong.

Keep in him his room for a year?

My stepson has high-functioning autism and frankly the teenage years were a nightmare. His mother got so angry with him. He got so angry with his mother.

I think adolescence hit him harder. Learning how to process things was more difficult.

There is the urge to make children behave. The more they start exerting their own will as they grow up, the more you want to control them.

I am not saying that antisocial actions shouldn't have consequences.

But that ultimately it should more be a question of how you can actually help them to think things through in a better way.

Not easy though.